My girlfriend of two months broke up with me because we went to Disney World together and I paid for about 80% of all expenses. She offered to pick up lunch and a few drinks, which I accepted. After the trip she sent me this angry email, accusing me of being a cheap bastard. She admitted that by offering to pay for lunch and few drinks, she was testing me. Apparently all her friends think I'm a scrooge too, even though I've picked up just about every tab since day one.
Since when did paying for everything become proof positive of a man's feelings for a woman?
I may not be Rockefeller, but I'm still a rather generous guy, and don't mind treating a lady during courtship and relationship, as much as my income allows. But I work hard for my money and she makes the same amount, if not more, than I do.
Am I really being such a stingy asshole? Confused about my heart and wallet! Please advise!
Yours truly,
Male Platonic Friend"
Dear Male Platonic Friend,
You just opened a can of worms and they have all slithered out onto my desk and into many little loopholes! When the issue of money gets wrapped up in the sheets, things get ugly.
As I have known you for donkey's ages, I can vouch for the fact that while not wealthy, you are a generous man.
And although I barely know this woman, I say she's an idiot.
You know, true friendship is all about tough love, and if I thought you were being a miser, I'd be the first one to say "dude, you're being a miser." But you don't hoard wads of cash in the bank and you never flaunt fake wealth.
What went wrong? Old-fashioned expectations on her part and lack of communication between the two of you regarding who pays for what. She probably assumed your request to join her was an invitation for weekend-long free room, board and entertainment and here's where I must give you a little slap on the wrist.
On the other hand, her testing is decidely passive-aggresive yuck. Woman, if you're expecting the man to pay, don't test and then backstab him with an angry break-up letter. Speak up or forever shut up.
Woman, you want cheap? How about the man who tried to impress Manola with dinner at one of those all-you-can-eat sushi for $10 dives on South Beach, complete with flourescent lighting and loud TV blaring sports, while talking about how he's buying a million dollar waterfront condo? How about the man who drove from South Beach to Aventura just so he could treat Manola to drinks at a chain restaurant where his friend would serve giant margaritas filled with gummi bears at half-price? After one-hour of debating why she refused to have sex with this disgusting, groping tight wad, Manola called a taxi from the WC and spent more on the ride home than he spent on women over an entire year.
But I digress ...
Male Platonic Friend, knowing that there's one thing you don't buy -- that macho crap when men buy love with money and women buy men with sex -- I absolve you of this most unfair accusation.
But don't let this unfortunate experience sour your generosity. Old fashioned courtship lets a man show he cares and gives a woman the chance to let him be a gentleman.
Ah, somewhere between the dinner bill and the bedroom there has to be fair game.
9 comments:
As much as I would like to agree with you Manola, my experience has been that I simply can't afford a Miami girlfirend.
Yuck Manola. This girl sounds awful. I bet she lives in Wide Lawns because that is the exact kind of crap one of these Basura women would pull. I cant imagine testing a guy like that. Is there really a place that throws gummi bears in a drink?? How odd.
My stomach is still reeling from the idea of Gummi margueritas. I have downed some repulsive concoctions in my day, but that .... *shudder*
And M, you argued with Mr Tightwad for an hour? What part of Gummi tequlia in the face did he fail to understand?
Ah, but who can understand relationships, anyway? MPF, count yourself lucky that you caught the warning sign before attorneys and/or custody was involved.
Just last night my friend told me a funny story. He had met a man who asked him on a date. The friend went and the man took him to the Peter Pan Diner, where the perplexed friend ordered a grilled cheese. Then the man who took him on the "Date" at the diner, asked him to split the bill and to pay for the 4$ grilled cheese, which didnt even have bacon or tomatoes, which would have made it a whole $1.50 more expensive. I think he even said he drank water instead of getting a coke. Now THAT is a cheapskate. Then the guy had the nerve to ask him to go to the diner again!
He's not being cheap at all....at what point are we expecting our dates to pay for trips to disney world? And what's more what about her little trickery? Disgusting. Stay away...I have many nice girls that would love to be treated this way....
Paying for drinks and lunch is least she could do. Personally, I don't feel comfortable when the man pays for everything.
She sounds like a real skid. Your friend could do much better.
Gummi margueritas? BLEARGH! How un-Irish can you get???
Anyway, no, he wasn't being cheap. It's lovely when the guy pays, as it really allows the girl to believe she is a delicate, protected little flower even if she's a stone overweight with a dirty mouth (ahem). I never paid for a thing when I was with The Ex-Boyfriend and I loved it. Having said that, this horrible "testing" bullshit? I'm only sorry this guy didn't fleece her for the lot. What a cow.
Women who test men.....what a novel idea that is.
Dude - if you are reading this you are not cheap and she will not be happy unless married to a pro-sportsman with an endless credit card.
A relationship is a partnership of equals. there is give and take on both sides in all areas.
If she expects you to give all in this areas she will expect that in all areas - very unfulfilling relationship for you.
Sounds like she doesn't want a boyfriend but a sugar daddy. If I was going on this trip I would have expected her to pay her own way, unless a) she was a starving graduate student or b) it was for a special occassion like her birthday. Maybe Joseph needs to pay girls to spend time with him, but I sure don't. I'll usually pay for two or three dates during courtship, but once you'e established a relationship things should be 50-50. A relationship should be a partnership of equals, like Steve says.
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