Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Will Work for Sex

Will Work for Sex

When people ask what it's like to live on Miami Beach, all I can say is why would I be inspired to do this blog!

Do you think this chick needs a job?

The Real South Beach Diet

But wait, maybe she's too busy being picked up by these guys!

The New SoBe Dining Trend

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Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Planet Manola: Club Douche, Balls and Dating

Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently. If you are easily offended, do not read on!

Learn more about Club Deuce here.

Well my birthday week was quite intense. As you can see, I grew a whole new head of hair, courtesy of Beatnix, a new and vintage clothing and accessory store located at 1149 Washington Avenue. The shop is great for all your drag queen needs -- wigs, fake eyelashes, fishnets, platform heels and more at reasonable prices!


Flickr Photo Download: mariapkge.jpg
Uploaded with Skitch! Original photo by the fabulous Shveckle.

Well, even though this blog is a single woman's guide to chronic living, I wanted to point out some very cool things going on in the world where testosterone reigns supreme. Remember breast cancer awareness month? How about health problems involving the other two ballsy objects we love to fondle? Even though November is almost over, it's not too late to sponsor Darren Rowse of Problogger for Movember.


Speaking of playing with balls -- of the pool and ping-pong variety -- my new friend Scott from Ipanemic has shared some candid tales about dating in South Beach. Navigating the relationship waters in this town full of transient folk is not easy. Such courage I do admire!

Read his first, second and third dates, respectively.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Beaujolais ... WHAT?

While getting ready for a Beaujolais Nouveau party, I pondered the curious thoughts that the syllables "beau/jo" brought to mind. In Spanish, the word "bollo" (pronounced bo-yo) means two different things across the Atlantic. In Spain, it refers to a sweet bread roll, but in Cuba and Miami? Something else entirely!

Read more about my adventures with "bollo" at Meridian.

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Saturday, November 10, 2007

EXCLUSIVE! Manola Interviews Maria! Scandalous!

manola blablabanik
Manola Blablablanik interviews Maria, the author of Sex and the Beach, on the occasion of her fortieth birthday. Bonus Seesmic video added below!

Manola: Happy birthday to my favorite ho! Tell me, what does it feel like to be a withered old hag with dried-up ovaries?

Maria: What are you talking about you cheap tramp, I'm only 40 and I feel better than ever!

Manola: Oh come on, get real. You're supposed to have a mid-life crisis, babe. By Hollywood standards, you're already a prime nip/tuck candidate. And to add insult to injury, you can't even be a MILF because you've failed to push out a baby. Double whammy!

Maria: Listen, bitch, the only "double whammy" here are the cheeks on my big fat Cuban ass! Manola, I can't believe you buy into that stupid shit! First of all, I'm still HOT and what makes me even HOTTER is the fact that I'm wiser and no longer a twenty-something Britney trainwreck about to happen, but a real woman with her high heels firmly planted on the ground. Hello? I survived the doormat years with grace, chutzpah and barely a wrinkle!

Manola: What about rug rats?

Maria: If it's meant to be, I'll manifest a solid, loving relationship with an extraordinary man who also desires a child. Call me crazy, but why should I settle for a spermsickle up my yin yang instead of a hot beef injection from someone who adores me?

Manola: Well yeah, a romp with your hunk is the best way to be sperminated, but what if ...

Maria: Look it. No one really has a baby, you know. You have a human being and you shouldn't bang one out just because your uterus can keep it alive for the first nine months. It's a serious matter ... can we talk about something else?

Manola: Ok ... calm down. Damn girl, this is supposed to be a fluffy interview! So, speaking of "extraordinary men" who are you banging these days?

Maria: Well, I know you're not going to believe this, but I've been celibate for over a year.

Manola: SHUT UP! GET OUT! You are so fucking lying to me!

Maria: Nope. I actually took a vow of celibacy about a year ago to devote myself to a spiritual healing practice. Celibacy isn't just a hiatus from sex, but also from emotional entanglements that distract you from facing the void. Sounds scary, doesn't it?

Manola: Sounds BORING!

Maria: Actually, taking personal inventory is the best fucking thing any woman can do for herself. The results are quite sexy -- I'm more confident, secure, at peace with myself and the world and far more capable of loving.

Manola: Oh, who cares about all that rubbish. Come on, a whole year without sex? Not even a little smooch?

Maria: I've lived life well (wink, wink) so I haven't missed much.

Manola: I don't believe you.

Maria: Well, I might have been walking on the beach and accidentally slipped on someone's penis a couple of times, but that's none of your fucking business!

Manola: Oh come on, dish!

Maria: No.

Manola: I bet that "slip-up" was a blogger.

Maria: Shut the fuck up.

Manola: Does he follow you on Twitter?

Maria: Cut it out.

Manola: Oh wait! I bet he's a dude in one of your cartoons ...

Maria: I am SO going to walk out on this interview!

Manola: Ok, ok ... FINE. So how could you write about sex if you weren't into it?

Maria: Ah, that's the magic of the craft, grasshopper. When I started this blog two years ago in October, I was actually deeply depressed and had only just begun to refine the art of being reclusive. Never would've guessed it, huh?

Manola: What? Wait a minute. Now I feel shitty. Did you create me just to vent your frustrations? Is that all I am to you? I feel so used!

Maria: Manola, there's a little bit of me in you and little bit of you in me, but we're not the same person. One fine day, I'll grow up and hook up with a deserving man, but you, my dear, must always be single.

Manola: Always single, huh? That sounds like fun! But Maria, if you don't have sex, how the hell am I going to get some dick vicariously? I mean, you don't plan on keeping your hoochie hidden under lock and key for the rest of your life, do you?

Maria: Don't be ridiculous! Of course I want some dick, but I want some heart, too. This isn't about morals, it's about getting to that point in your life when you don't do dinner and bullshit anymore.

Manola: So let's go to Club Douche tonight, get real drunk and pick up some ...

Maria: No way. I'm not a cougar who's into prowling bars, even though the chastity belt is off. You swig a wine cooler with the tourist boys, honey. I prefer to sip a fine, aged scotch. I'm perfectly content to be who I am, where I am, how I am ...

Manola: Ugh. You and your stupid spiritual crap! Sometimes you sound like Oprah and Dr. Phil's love child. Why can't we just talk about penis and pussy?

Maria: Dude, we have been talking about penis and pussy. Sheesh!

Manola: OK, well, hmm ... I was hoping that by being a nosy bitch I could get a sordid confession out of you, but I see you've decided to be all deep thoughts instead of deep throat.

Maria: Honey, at my age, "classy" is the new porn.

Manola: Well, Maria, I'd love to wish you a very happy 40th birthday and hope that you'll get laid soon with some "nice" guy. Geez ... picky, aren't we?

Maria: I've learned so much from you -- you impudent, foul-mouthed slut! You're resilient and aren't afraid to speak your mind. You've been one of the greatest joys in my life. Thanks to you, Manola.

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Monday, November 05, 2007

What's In Your Bag?

By special request from Salome's Mom, here's the content of Manola's purse.

Ladies, there are certain items you must have in your purse at all times, especially if you live in Miami Beach.

"Regarding Manolo Blaniks: fuck vanity!"

"We have a problem in Miami. It's the occasional visit from Matthew McConaughey."

"If you don't want to use a cheap-ass plastic Japanese sex toy, use a sweet potato. It's a little rough around the edges, but we ladies like a little feeling."

"Chef Robert Irvine and my refrigerator. I'd love to be a sandwich."

"Fuck botox. You just need to perfect the big fat Cuban chongalicious lipstick technique."

"If you see an asshole, don't give him your phone number."

"If you're stuck on the Palmetto and feel frustrated, burn some sage!"

"Ever since I carry Horatio Cane on top of my left boob, I move around Miami in total peace and comfort."

Ladies, what's in your bag?

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Thursday, November 01, 2007

Sexcrunch: Raging Men, Horny Ladies and Condom Bragging

All the news that's fit for bed, served between the sheets. Don't ever say you aren't getting any!

Pants Below The Ass Not Just For Street Anymore!
Kids, pants below the ass is ok on Miami's stylish beaches, but not in school. Photo by yours truly.

Boy, we could sure use some more creative "emasculating gestures" against asshole drivers in Miami. People of my city, start wiggling your pinkies like our friends down under! Some wanker in Australia flew into road rage after a woman showed him the little finger. Insecure about size much? Read the full story at News.com.au.

Here's another curious report from down under, courtesy of the 2007 Durex Sexual Wellbeing Survey: "In almost every country, men have had more partners than women - the only exception is New Zealand where the women's average of 20 lovers is three more than the men's."

I don't know what's up with those Kiwi ladies, but I do know this: in a world full of lousy drivers, we might as well be getting some mileage in the bedroom!

There's nothing that says "I'm a loose tramp" more than carrying around a transparent bag lined with condoms! But heck, at least I'm a smart, health-conscious slut who doesn't want to catch anything nasty from my lover and get preggers. Personally, I'd rather carry all things that go near my genitals (ie, tampons, condoms, vibrators, etc;) in a private, enclosed clutch, but any product that gets people talking about safe sex is a good thing.

The condoms are sealed-in and available for emergency use only, which ladies, as we well know, is much better than Plan B.


The indefatigable Hugh Macleod does it again! Lord knows what he had in mind when he drew this last week. Could it have been inspired by Apple's release of Leopard, the latest pussy on the block? Of course, this cartoon can be interpreted in other ways. After all, the world's oldest profession has been using pussy 1.0 since the beginning of time, no upgrade required.

On a side note, I can't wait until Apple gets to Liger.

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