TINKLE, TINKLE LITTLE SLUT
Hey, modern girl: do you squat at the toilet and practice safe sex with condoms? Well, guess what? That's not enough to stay healthy. Micro miniskirts, aka microminis, are the next chick flu vector according to Manola 180 health correspondent Dr. Suck Mygupta.
"Manola, the potential for epidemic is severe. Even if you wear a thong, don't be fooled! You might as well be going commando. A thong is useless against your vagina's natural cleansing mechanism. As you paint the town red, you're also turning the beach into one giant pantyliner!"
So in spite of having teflon nipples and non-stick personalities, women sporting the offending skirts are infecting our community with offensive bodily fluids. Hazmat clean-up crews are powerless in keeping up with municipalities in dire need of disinfection.
"It's easier to wipe gum off the sidewalk," explains Dr. Suck Mygupta. "And there just aren't enough stray dogs to do the job!"
The sexy Hindi is careful to emphasize that there's nothing morally wrong with the fashion -- it's public health consequences that raise a stiffer concern. The bottom slime: women who wear twat-exposing clothes in public distribute their vaginal, anal and urinary tract excretions all over our city.
"If you want to hose down a five-alarm Viagra-motivated priapic erection with your passion juices while you make consensual adult love behind closed doors, go crazy. But become a Front Door Bamby, and we're suddenly dealing with a Daisy Dukes of Health Hazard infestation!"
The issue, then, isn't about being pervy, it's about wearing clothes in public that make you an oozing bacteria-laden Typhoid Mary!
Although the Center for Disease Control refuses to leak any information about the gravity of this health crisis, we managed to milk the following statement out of researcher Dr. Candida Albicans: "Our team researches and analyzes ways to prevent the spread of germs that occur through stupid harebrained fashion trends. We've ruled out extraterrestial influence and quite frankly I'm very worried about the impact that
SHOW SKIN, NOT SIN
Could this be irresponsible fashion gone wild and will it affect the snowbirds who spend millions of dollars each year in supporting our tourism industry?
Mr. Scum Foley, an unsuspecting tourist from Bumfuck, North Dakota, has gone into therapy since his first visit to Miami Beach last year.
His heartfelt letter finally reached us via the Woolly Mammoth Express. Foley describes how his life changed when, after having lunch at Bollo Tropical on Alton Road, he hailed a cab and started fantasizing about women who look like plucked poultry.
"The fantasy eventually became a nightmare. I mean, her skirt was so short, I don't even know if it was a skirt, shorts or what. Skorts, maybe? But it was more like gaucho pants meets the application instruction on a box of Monistat! Unable to deal with the trauma, I focused on the childhood memory of going into a sauna with a Catholic priest
This young man's dream of a career in obstetrics and gynecology was cut short by this traumatic experience -- all because he became delusional after seeing a micromini so short, he could peer inside the woman's ovaries and diagnose her yeast infection from several yards away, which even Superman never managed, in spite of the x-ray properties of kryptonite!
We are sad to report that instead of swearing the Hippocratic oath, this fella is now interested in becoming a politician and spending the rest of his life sucking ass, the juices of which we know are hardly savory and will never be the secret ingredient at Iron Chef.
COP A FEEL
This fashion trend may be a nightmare for health professionals trying to protect the general public from the spread of general ick, but it does represent a boon for a CSI trace lab swabbing its way to justice!
Horatio Cane, director of Miami-Dade Photoshop Enforcement Department, believes the epidemic could be easily contained.
We attempted to contact the calm, cool and collected H for comment, but his secretary informed us that he was still pausing before his next line, placing his sunglasses in slow-motion over his nasal bridge.
Finally, after holding our breaths for a million-dollar tv advertising second, Horatio promised to keep us safe. "We'll swab every barstool in Miami, Manola. Whatever it takes. Next time you see my pasty face and stare deeply into my compassionate gaze, you'll be able to sit your big Cuban ass down without fear of mortal contagion."
SHOW SOME CLASS, HIDE YOUR ASS
We love to trust us some H, but in the meantime, I'll use one of those toilet seat covers on a barstool at The Delanus Hotel. Or better yet: Tanqueray at 80 proof would make an excellent disinfectant. Looks like that girl's can of mace should include a sidekick of gin spritzer.
tags: miami beach, sex, foley, miniskirt, parody, humor, vagina, yeast infection, catholic priest, satire, ass, sexual health, miami csi