Low Brow Encounter at High Brow Miami Resort

On Tuesday, I went to jury duty and sat on a panel about battery and even though I was too much of a smart-ass to get picked as a juror, it got me thinking ...

You see, earlier this month I went to fancy-schmancy Fairmont Resort at Turnberry Isle in Aventura to meet some out-of-town friends for drinks and dinner. Everything was fine -- the property, food and service were top-notch -- just what you'd expect from a world-class resort.

The reason I'm telling you this story is because that night I met a random jackass who threw a cloth napkin at my face.

Yes, you read that right. Jackass balled up a cloth napkin and pelted me close to the temple. It actually hurt my eye. Yes, this happened at the beautiful, elegant dining salon and bar at the Fairmont Resort.

Said jackass was probably in his late forties -- a handsome, well-traveled, well-educated man who owns a resort property somewhere around a famous vineyard region in the state of California. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. It starts with the letter N.

He was at Turnberry for a conference that was held on site earlier that day. A friend of mine who attended the same conference insisted I meet him as he could be a great travel writing connection.

That's all fine and well. After dinner, my friend, the jackass, three of his colleagues and I sat down around a coffee table chit chatting when all of a sudden, out of the blue, jackass, who was sitting across from me, launched the missile.

Folks, I cannot tell you how surreal this was. There was no provocation. In fact, he was mostly engaged in conversation with my friend. Who in their right mind throws a napkin at anyone? Let alone a woman he just met? Who does this? Come on, this aint no honky tonk biker bar where someone might break a bottle of Bud over your head. This was hoity-toity, white-glove service Fairmont Resort!

So here are my theories:

1. He's forty-something going on seven. He threw the napkin because he liked me and that's his way of expressing his feelings, kind of like the boy in 3rd grade who pulled your pigtails when you weren't looking.

2. He's taking flirtation tips from British literature. In Thomas Hardy's novel Jude the Obscure, country bumpkin Arabella throws a pig scrotum at Jude as a sign of her affection.

3. Or au contraire, he threw the napkin because he wasn't sexually attracted to me and therefore felt he could get away with it. A man like that would never dare to offend a woman he wants to take to bed. I don't care if a dude isn't attracted to me, but what's insulting here is that he may have thought he could treat me this way just because he didn't want to screw me.

4. He suffers from a rare form of Tourette's in which soft objects are hurled instead of verbal obscenities.

5. He takes "I'm in Miami, bitch" seriously and thinks that's an excuse to act like a complete asshole.

6. His mother didn't breast feed him so he harbors a deep-rooted misogyny and irrational love of Chardonnay.

7. He's simply a jackass with no manners.

By the way, my first reaction was to say "What the hell?" And after a few minutes of sitting there, completely stunned, I threw a napkin back at him. At least he paid for my drink.

The whole episode was so bizarre; it definitely goes down in my top ten list of "only in Miami" moments.

So if "battery" is non-consensual touch, that which you can't consent to because you don't know it's coming (and man, I really didn't see this coming), do you think I could have taken this guy to court?

The graphic above designed by the inimitable and infinitely talented Nikon Miami. Thanks, Jim!