Valentine's Day in Miami for Single Schmucks

Cartoon by yours truly drawn at The Abbey, South Beach in '07.

I hate Valentine's Day. No, no, not because I'm single, but because every freakin' establishment has some kind of Valentine's Day special that makes it impossible for single people to have a normal dinner or drink anywhere. Everything is for two: dinner for two, drinks for two, hotel room for two, massage for two ... bla bla bla. What's next? Colonoscopies? Yeah, whatever. On this holiday, try making a reservation for yourself or a group of friends and you'll be treated like a leper.

Surely, there must be something for single people to do on Valentine's Day here in the Magic City. How about these exciting options?

• Dinghy out to the "Piano Bar" on Biscayne Bay and have a picnic for one.
• Go to an AA meeting. You're bound to meet someone perfectly codependent there.
• Hang out with the pervs under the Julia Tuttle causeway. They get it; they aren't welcome anywhere either.
• Make a dinner reservation at The Forge for two then pretend you were stood up and make a scene. See feathers ruffle. OMG!
  

Ok, seriously. I'm kidding! Here are some actual legit options for those of us who aren't in relationships.

BOWLING
Nothing says "screw you, love" like slamming a heavy ball against hapless pins. Splitsville at Sunset Place in South Miami isn't catering to couples but to all lovers of bowling. Expect the following on Monday, February 14: $3 per person per game, $2 shoe rental, $5 well liquors, starting at 4 PM until close. Plus additional happy hour specials 4 to 7 PM. And if you're in the mood to celebrate singlehood with bubbly, consider 50% off premium champagne on this special day.

MOVIES
Thank goodness for Coral Gables Art Cinema, a Sex and the Beach favorite, because after years of no cinematheques, we now we have independent, alternative movies in the City Beautiful once again, with easy, inexpensive parking next door. It's cool, civilized, smart and an utterly refreshing escape from the every day. Imagine going to a movie in Miami-Dade with no chongas from Hialeah making out with their papis while smacking gum in the seat behind you. All this without having to pay the $15 ass-rape parking fees of South Beach.

On Valentine's Day, you won't want to miss the 9 PM showing of My Dog Tulip, an animated film about a confirmed British bachelor who gives up on love and finds a great companion in an adopted dog. The film, based on the novel by J.R. Ackerley, features the voices of Isabella Rossellini, Christopher Plummer and the late Lynn Redgrave.

SINGIN' THE BLUES
It's business as usual at Tobacco Road on Monday, February 14, as they'll be most likely recovering from their big Valentine's Day bash on Saturday. So if you're feelin' blue, go lend an ear to Big Papa E at Miami's oldest bar. It's free ... yes, you heard that right. No cover!

DOUCHE YOUR SOUL
When Jane Austen wrote about truths universally acknowledged, she obviously forgot to mention that you would never be bored by the characters who show up at Club Deuce in South Beach. I don't care what day of the year it is, Club Deuce is an alkaline cleanser for your acidic soul. And just like the Catholic Church, the Deuce takes in all us lonely, wayward idiots without judgment. You needn't wear your Sunday best, but leave the plastic at home. It's cash only and no fake people, either.

MOONLIGHT MUSIC
I'm pretty sure that "music under the stars" was an inalienable right under the U.S. constitution for all people -- not just couples. I almost hesitate to recommend this, but I love the Deering Estate and at $20 a pop for a groovy harpist, it just seems like a really cool thing to do, regardless. Grab your friends and fill up the picnic basket, but leave the coolers at home. They're not allowed.