It's June 1, ladies and here we go again ... another six months of grueling anticipation that reminds us of love: "expect the worst, hope for the best." That's hurricane season for ya and if you're single, it's always helpful to have a man around, a real man with true grit who cannot only keep us entertained in those long, sweaty, mosquito-infested nights, but can also do a few things around the house.
In years past, we have showered Harry Connick, Jr. with love because he could sing us sweet lullabies while rescuing people from receding floods. We also admired Chef Robert Irvine's biceps and no-nonsense, wicked talent in the most spartan of kitchens. We even thanked God for bringing us lusty Father Alberto, who left the church to fulfill his carnal needs, but who could at least put in a good word with God about diverting storms to Palm Beach County.
You just never know what's going to happen each hurricane season -- some years can produce fierce storms and others blow no more wind than a hamster fart. The same goes with Hurricane Season Boyfriends -- 2008 and 2010 were duds -- producing no worthy candidates.
But ladies, this year is different! I am so thrilled with this year's Hurricane Season Boyfriend because he fills in a categories we've never covered in this pantheon of tropical demigods! We've already had musical, culinary and spiritual boyfriends, but this fearless man packs a triple punch: he's an explorer, a sportsman and an adventurer who has survived malaria and a plane crash. He doesn't drink Dos XX but he is quite possibly really truly the most interesting man in the world.
THE ENVELOPE PLEASE ...
Move over metrosexuals. We don't want any pussies for Hurricane Season Boyfriend. Any man who can catch a Goliath Tiger fish in the Congo and not fuss about a manicure is a friend of mine!
This year's Hurricane Season Boyfriend is none other than extreme angler Jeremy Wade of Animal Planet's River Monsters!
Come on, what's not to love? If we could only get him to stop fishing for a while, Jeremy Wade, with his lean, rugged good looks, would make a great Hurricane Season Boyfriend!
This fisherman has lured us in and here's why:
First of all, he could catch dinner. Vicious snakeheads, which they say are good eatin', have invaded Miami's canals and should be eradicated. See? He'd even be doing the environment a favor by putting a dent on this non-native species.
And besides, River Monsters has featured several kinds of fish from around the world that we also find in South Florida: alligator gar, peacock bass, bull shark, sawfish and catfish. OK, so a slimy, grunting catfish aint no dainty sushi, but when you're in survival mode, you can't bitch about fresh fish.
He always carries his angling tools with him, which put to creative use could come in handy. You can tie up a lot of things with fishing leader, although I wouldn't recommend that for the headboard. And because he's British and not from Miami, you know he'll always do repairs on time.
As a writer, he has a creative side, able to regale you with stories about his adventures around the world with that delicious accent. Oh and he could build you a fire to cuddle around for said storytelling. Because yes, a fire when it's 80% humidity outside and 90 degrees farenheit is still much more romantic than a gas Coleman.
A fishing freak, Jeremy Wade likes weird finny creatures and their myths but he's also a scientist who tries to stay objective. This means that if the chupacabra shows up at your house, he'll probably ask him in, get a couple of beers out of the cooler and prep the sucker for an impromptu interview.
Jeremy Wade has gone deep into the heart of the Amazon, the Congo and India's mountain rivers ... how could an ice collecting trip to Hialeah possibly faze him? He once tossed himself in a pool full of ravenous piranhas in Brazil and fed himself to voracious, chomping eels in New Zealand -- driving in Miami without traffic lights would be a walk in the park for Jeremy Wade!
With his mad shore casting skills, Jeremy Wade could hook you that last bottle of Chardonnay at the Publix shelf all the way from the check out, skipping every desperate Pinecrest housewife who has booze on her hurricane supplies list.
Two weeks without electricity? No big deal -- Jeremy Wade has lived in the wilderness far longer! Bugs? Who cares? Jeremy Wade isn't going to run away from an insect like some wuss. Flooding? Jeremy Wade knows how to paddle a canoe over fallen trees. Feeling unsafe after curfew? Jeremy Wade has stayed up countless nights waiting for the big one -- he's got built-in sentry.
But the most important thing, ladies, besides clearly having the cojones and determination to catch humongous, rare and dangerous fish in the most remote places in the world, is the one thing that singles him out from all the rest.
Fishing requires a lot of patience. So much patience, in fact, that you'd think it'd be a woman's sport.
But even a woman loses patience at times. So when you're whining about how you haven't had a hot shower in two weeks and you're sick of moldy peanut butter sandwiches, Jeremy will be patient.
Who doesn't love that in a man?
Who wouldn't want to be his girlfriend during hurricane season?
Congratulations Jeremy Wade for finding your way into this most coveted hall of fame.
Old fishing stories by yours truly: Nature Girl, A Sea Change