Saturday, September 14, 2013
Eight Sexual Positions Even South Beach Hookers Don’t Dream Of
Dear readers, you know I don’t typically do book reviews, but I just couldn’t resist this one. The Kama Sutra Bath Book had me at “water.” After all, this is Sex and the Beach, right? Although I do write about stuff that’s more interesting than sex, yeah … whatever.
For those of you still stuck on the Mayflower in the 17th century, the original Kama Sutra is an ancient tome from India, a portion of which is devoted to sexual pleasure. Contrary to popular perception, much of it is also devoted to living in a state of grace and love, upholding family life.
Think of it like Martha Stewart meets 50 Shades of Chrysanthemums.
Well, you gotta have sex to have a family, right?
So behold, this little book, which easily fits into the palm of your six-foot tall, body-builder pool boy. It has a whopping eight pages of sexual positions you can try at home.
Now, let’s be fair here. One of the greatest signs of intimacy (and fun!) is being able to bathe or shower together. But getting frisky in the water is another thing. It’s slippery and wet and a bit more risky than doing it on your old, tired mattress.
Each page, illustrated by Nicole de Meneses, comes with (pardon the terrible pun) a rhyming couplet, in a goofy, Dr. Seuss style.
The book starts out with lotus pose – girl sits on guy as they hug each other -- which is easy enough in a tub. But there are other positions, like the hanging bow – man screwing woman while she does a full back bend with hands on the wet shower floor -- which even the most expert yogis shouldn’t try without a really good insurance policy and weeks of workouts at the gym. Make sure you turn the shower off before you attempt this pose, otherwise, the woman will get a good sinus neti pot cleaning as well.
And if he’s kissing your yoni blossom underwater (please google yoni if you don’t already know what that is … and no, it’s not a Cuban starch side dish with garlic sauce, that's yuca, not yoni) … then make sure he doesn’t drown.
Made of vinyl, the book, however, is a definitely a fun accessory for those watery, happy moments in your life with your beloved that don’t involve tears. It could inspire.
Here are my recommendations. Start simple: candles; luxurious, scented soaps; essential oils; a coconut shell full of scented Epsom salts; a rubber ducky; and if all else fails, a waterproof vibrator.
Or heck, well screw all that and how about just two bodies and 20 fingers?
And yourselves. That’s all you really need.
Oh, well wait ... you might want an anti-slip bath mat. And if you are over the age of 50, some handicap rails.
But I digress. Let's get back to simple. There’s nothing like shampooing your lover’s hair with a good scalp massage or kissing when it’s already steamy. If you live in South Florida and have a pool under the moonlight with the frogs serenading at night, fireflies providing mood lighting and gators screwing in the swamp nearby, well then … what are you waiting for?
Just make sure, ladies, that you take proper precautions regarding lubrication, safe sex and birth control. The only mammals that typically have sex in water are called cetaceans, a.k.a. whales and dolphins. They have blowholes. Yeah, I know, some of my ex-boyfriends had blowholes, too.
The Kama Sutra Bath Book is fun, cute and very amusing. It’d make a great bachelorette party or gag anniversary gift. And it will definitely get you thinking about positions whether in or out of the water. If you subject your body to CrossFit, you’ll probably make this part of your WOD.
Besides the hanky-panky, bathing with a beloved is definitely one of the most intimate thing a couple can do and for this it gets a thumbs up from Sex and the Beach. And hey, who says you need a partner? You know, when he’s not at home, wink, wink ... I’ll leave that to your imagination.
ANNOYING FTC DISCLOSURE
The publicist sent me a complimentary review copy of this book, bla bla bla. Please check with your doctor if you have an orgasm that lasts for more than four hours, etc;