Will You Marry Me and Tweet About it?

Photo via Mark Hillary's Flickr. It seems he broadcasted his wedding on Twitter.

It's a leap year, which means folks have come up with all kinds of excuses to do whacky things on February 29, including women proposing marriage to men. This got me thinking, of course. The sad truth is that there's no one in this God forsaken dramaville we live in I'd want to marry. Or maybe they're all married. Or maybe I'm in the deep friend zone with most guys to want to marry them. Or maybe they're medicated. Or they're gay. Or maybe ... maybe, so many maybes.

This got me thinking more, of course. As we all know, no one person can fulfill all your needs, carnal or otherwise. What if I could build the perfect man from all my Twitter friends? So I'm giving myself 15 minutes to come up with a list, stream-of-consciousness style ... no editing!

1. I'd marry @sfdb because he can compile editorial in a regular, orderly fashion, likes cool cars and vacations in Colorado.

2. I'd marry @mikelamonica because if we had kids -- oh hell, they'd be stunners! -- but more importantly he could take nice pictures of them and write a sweet, heartfelt blog post.

3. I'd marry @ivanmladenovic because he could fix my computer. Oh and he has a super cool last name that is fun to pronounce with an Eastern European accent.

4. I'd marry @grantstern because he hates Walmart and makes shit happen in the the community.

5. I'd marry @ipanemic because he could photoshop my ass and make me look like a porn star.

6. I'd marry @freddystebbins because he makes me pee in my pants with laughter.

7. I'd marry @mklopez because he drives like a Jedi warrior and there isn't a damn thing he wouldn't do to help me.

8. I'd marry @bradaschenck because he once wrestled an alligator.

9. I'd marry @carlosmiller because he's a great storyteller and friend. I'd marry him in jail, of course.

10. I'd marry @alexdc because he could keep me on track with my diet.

11. I'd marry @brianbreslin just for the cute dimple. No, wait, he could he could also design an iPhone app for me.

12. I'd marry @sean_ohanlon because he loves algae and has the nicest goatee I've seen in Miami.

13. I'd marry all the brothers @beachedmiami after moving to a polygamous community, because they can write so well and are so damn cute you just want to pinch all their cheeks. And I'm not talking about their faces, either.

Ooops! 15 minutes are up! If you didn't make it to the list, don't worry. You are all a wonderful bunch. Thanks for being the guys in my life, even if we aren't married.

Now please retweet this post.

So ladies, what do you think of my frankenhusband? Feel free to leave a comment below on your favorite Twitter guys.

It's Like Gravy on the Chicken: Comedy Improv on the Streets of Hialeah

"People judge you for being beautiful. Unlike a lot of people, I don't care about my looks. It's all about being genuine." -- Lizette, part-time cargo flight attendant who is registered at FIU.

One of the best experiences I've had lately is filming improvisation comedian @freddystebbins in Hialeah as part of the Yo Soy Hialeah project. The out takes -- these particular two scenes -- were precious B Roll that will end up on the cutting room floor for the "clean" version; however, they can definitely have a life of their own here.

Thanks to @oscarpiloto for taking camera duty after two hours because I was literally peeing in my pants holding the mic -- ok maybe not literally -- but you tell me after you see the video above. And thanks to the staff at discount stores ño que barato! and ño que caché for putting up with us.

Oscar Piloto held the camera on the second round. The steady stick helps.

Get your headlamps cleaned, bro.

When Lizette lights up, you just can't help but laugh.

Here are ten things I love about Lizette:

1. She works part-time for Air Miami Cargo, which ferries chickens and Blockbuster Video items on "non stops" [sic] flights to Tallahassee which is less than a couple of hours away by aircraft -- and she gets FREE flights to that ultimate tourism destination, Tampa. While in Tallahassee, she stays overnight at the Quince de Fiesta hotel, which is really close to the outlet mall.

2. She is the daughter of a bearded woman who worked in a circus in Santiago De Cuba in order for her children to get scholarships at FIU.

3. She freely admits to her hormonal problem and she appreciates the candor of her friends.

4. She uses CHANE not CHANEL facial foundation, which she purchased in Hialeah. It does the trick.

5. She breaks down and cries like a regular, normal human being when she talks about her challenging relationship with her ex-husband, Lazaro, with whom she had a child.

6. She's not afraid to call the camera guy a faggot. Or the street pole, for that matter. (For the record, the camera guy is not a faggot.)

7. She's a PROFESSIONAL WOMAN but she's not technically going to FIU.

8. She believes the best sex organ is the brain, but it's ok to be good looking on the outside, too. That's an extra bonus. Ladies, how's that for your self-esteem corny quote of the day?

9. She's the only woman in Miami-Dade who gets a pubic waxing job on lay-away. "$120 for the whole procedures [sic]. I have stubble, but at least I don't have HAIR, you know what I mean? Whatever."

10. She lives in Kendall.

Sigh … I hope you enjoy this as much as I did!