Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Aging: It's Not Just for Old People Anymore!

dove pro-age deodorantBeautiful skin has no age limits? Yeah, right. My big fat Cuban ass!

So the other day I went to CVS to pick up a few items and I happened to walk through the deodorant aisle when I was gently reminded that I should be concerned about the youthful appearance of my armpits. Yes, my armpits! Holy mother of cow shit! Who knew you had to worry about your armpits? I'm sorry, aren't wrinkles, saddlebags and cellulite enough? Sheesh!

Look it, when you've lived on South Beach, isn't it enough to have your ass primped and primed? I mean isn't it ironic that you bleach your ass yet spend hours in a tanning salon? Oh and don't forget, you have to pour hot wax on your privates so you look like a plucked chicken! You can't even be lightly breaded, oh no ... and G-d forbid you should even smell like a human! Oh no, please douche yourself until your vagina smells like the foyer at a cheap bordello!

Oh, but this is only the beginning my friends. Your journey toward mannequin-Stepford-wife-hood would not be complete without a pair of big ass fake tits the size of a Buick. Do you remember Buicks? They were the Hummers when gas was cheap but walking around commando wasn't.

As my photographer pal Miami Fever put it:

q: how do you make a 10 pound sack of fat sexy?

a: put a nipple on it.

Yeah, and put some lotion on it too. Well, I'm only 40 and I look pretty good for my age. I could very well call myself a 1-- pound sack of sexy! But what will I do in five years? What if I raise my arm to salute the flag and I'm wearing a tank top and someone should look at me and say: "Oh my, her armpits look really old!"

Sheesh, does this mean the no-mini-skirts-after-35 rule applies to armpits too? Do I need to wear long sleeves like the impossibly unsweaty ladies of Miami CSI?

While I applaud Dove for its realistic marketing campaign about beauty, I gotta say, this one has me feeling like some old cranky gal. I'll take the moisturizers any day, but please leave my armpits to age gracefully on their own terms!

I gotta wonder if Joan Rivers feels the same way ...

related: armpit sniffer

1 comment:

Yoli said...

Maria the grooming and tending of the armpits is a serious job onto itself. Girl, you have to take care of them as you do your face, twat, hands and feet. Any of these fail and you are guaranteed a spot on that show where they put in a glass closet for everyone to gawk at you and guess your age.