Monday, June 04, 2007

Planet Manola: Is Your Bunghole Spotty?

Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently.



MIAMI BLEACH

Intrepid New Times reporter Joanne Green wanders into a waxing salon on South Beach and discovers bunghole bleaching. Just when you thought human beings couldn't possibly be more vain and shallow, a genius invents Anal Bleach Cream. Let me tell you something: if you are peering at my asshole, you better not fucking complain about the shade of its complexion. Have some manners, you sicko!

Now here's a product we must have! Where did I put the phone number of that pharmaceutical company exec who brought me drinks at ... ?

CYBERSPACE VS. MEATSPACE

What's up with people trying to hook up through blogs? Just because a woman writes about sex doesn't mean she's advertising her interest in dating to the world. Let me tell you something: a blog is not a fucking personals ad. You want to date? Go to fucking mismatch.com, ok? As a matter of fact, the author of this blog is a pimply, overweight raging lesbian Buddhist monk mother of three brats spawned by Mighty Dyckerson with a terrible case of gonorrhea who suffers from boils and lives on welfare while practicing abstinence. And no, you can't nominate me for Jerry Springer's show. I love my privacy. Fuckin' A.

PS ... NY Mary, are you proud of my Queen's English?

I'M PROUD OF MY BIG CUBAN ASS

Ay mi Celia! Mi reina! The world is not the same without you, but your legacy lives on! You were the body electric, mama! You put the song in our hearts and the wiggle in our butts. Whenever anyone gives me shit about being Cuban, I just want to hold up a banner that says: don't mess with the memory of Celia! AZUCAR!

So just in case you thought South Beach was full of vain and shallow people who want their assholes to look like a newborn baby's scalp, let me remind you that our fair island does boast some signigicant culture. Don't miss the exhibit devoted to Cuban music's firebrand at the Ass Museum of Fart Bass Museum of Art, ongoing until August 19.

PIMP ME WITH A CHERRY ON TOP

Join the author of this blog at Miami Beach 411 for sizzling coverage of Top Chef Miami!



Beach sex photograph courtesy of never-ceases-to-amaze-me Miami Fever.

tags: , , , , ,

6 comments:

Dayngr said...

What a coinky dink, a girlfriend and I were just talking about anal bleaching the other day and who would be in the market for such a product.

Balou said...

RE: Blogs as personals - I agree 100%. If you are a male blogger, then blog. Don't use it as a vehicle for meeting chicks.

Anonymous said...

oh Manola.... overweight, lesbian, with the clap and three kids..... my god... if I was still single man I'd ignore your blog and propose to you.... I gotta go take a cold shower ASAP..... ;)

SuperBee said...

Why you haven't invited me out for a drink yet at the Standard, I'll never know. I love fat lesbians. And skinny ones too. All Lesbians. We're all GLBT. (Except for the BT part.)

Regardless, I'm waiting by my "hiatused" blog... You name the time, I'll name the carnation color...

B. Goldenwood said...

OK... so don't knock it, but I've actually been considering the bleaching. I think it would be really pretty and fun. Unless it hurts, of course.

That said, no one had better be complaining... I'm with you on that.

blog Portland said...

An angry Cuban woman, proud of her big booty? That's a new one.