Thursday, July 09, 2009

Sexcrunch: Breaking News! Super Sperm Invading Planet!

All the news that's fit for bed, served between the sheets. Don't ever say you aren't getting any!

super spermImage courtesy of from Stacy Lynn Baum on Flickr.

Sperm has been active in the news lately, which, of course, has spawned a wave of critical thinking worthy of a new blog post here at Sex and the Beach. To start with, Discovery News has just published a story on a study, Sperm Travels Faster Toward Attractive Females:
The study, conducted on red junglefowl, a director ancestor of chickens, adds to the growing body of evidence that males throughout many promiscuous species in the animal kingdom, including humans, can mate with many females, but chances of fertilization are greater when the female is deemed to be attractive. . . .

The mechanism behind this remains a mystery for now, but the scientists have an intriguing theory.

"Males may alter the velocity of sperm they allocate to copulations by strategically firing their left and right ejaculatory ducts, which can operate independently," they explained.

Stimulation from sexy, attractive females, therefore, leads to the double firing.
Now, if you can suspend disbelief for a moment (after all, this "speed factor" was observed in fowl, not humans!), let's pretend that the same were true for humans. This begs many questions!


Does Michael Phelps' sperm swim faster?

Guys like to go fast but hate asking for directions. Is the same true of sperm? What is the point of going fast if you don't know where you're going?

If a dude has a really long schlong, does it matter how fast his sperm travels? Would a dude with Lamborghini-speed sperm and a short dick get better results?

If you are a sperm and are going really fast, do you get a concussion if you hit the domed end of a condom?

If you're a German guy screwing someone whom you think is beautiful, does your sperm think it's on the autobahn? Does it automatically slow down to 20 mph if Helga is dowdy?

What if a dude is wearing beer goggles at 3 am. Does he "fake" his sperm into going faster? What is the mind-body neurological connection between "deemed attractiveness" and sperm velocity?

Does sperm velocity differ if a guy is jerking off to his favorite porn star? Is an actual vagina required for fast firing?

Also, does sperm travel just as fast in gay encounters where nary a sperm shall meet an egg?

And OMG, what if a dude is diphallic? Does he pick and choose his squirter?

What is the speed limit, if any, inside a woman's vagina? Do we measure sperm speed as in 0 to 60 in 1 millimeter?

What about intrauterine speeding tickets? Does this apply if you are a husband in Pinecrest cheating on your wife with the maid?

How come NASCAR hasn't gotten into this?


And just when we thought it was really hard to get pregnant ...

Local reporter and blogger James Burnett has put in his own two cents on an unbelievable tale of the little sperm that could! In his recent blog post, he mentions a case of seminal litigiousness that makes me wonder why Javier Bardem's sperm hasn't magically impregnated me just by the mere fact that I think about him when I touch myself!
Magdalena Kwiatkowska and her 13-year-old daughter recently vacationed in Egypt. When they returned home, the daughter told Kwiatkowska that she was pregnant. But Kwiatkowska says her daughter didn't meet boys on the trip, so the girl must've been the victim of "stray sperm" in the hotel pool.
Holy shit, here I am 41 years old and my biological clock has about 2 seconds left. What's in the water in Egypt? Maybe I should vacation there! And please ... stray sperm, huh? Boy, all those stray sperms out there ... can we put them in a shelter and hope they get adopted?

So the mom is suing the hotel, not the father, mind you, and not even the sperm itself! I think she should sue the offending sperm, because it's not some jackass's fault if he jerked off in the pool, and that his microscopic, DNA bearing, Speedy Gonzalez evolutionary advanced cum made it past bathing suit reinforced crotch-fabric, squeezed through the cervix and implanted itself into the egg of a virgin woman.


I guess the "his penis accidentally slipped into my vagina" defense isn't going to fly well by mama. And to think, the accidental penis-slip happens ALL THE TIME in South Beach, even outside the water. Tsk, tsk. Miracle baby, indeed. I wonder if its face will appear on a grilled cheese sandwich.

Can't wait to see what the judge says about this one.

Sperm sign image courtesy of Mayu ;P on Flickr.

1 comment:

Suzy Newhouse said...

Have you seen the article re: artificial sperm? Sperm have now been created from stem cells. What will they think of next?