Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Miami Anti-Social

miami beach will work for sexThe only really lucrative profession in Miami, capable of surviving the real estate bust.

Oh GAWD! I swore to myself, no -- I lit candles to San Lazaro -- that I would not blog about this stupid reality show. But you know what? I have to thank Bravo's Miami Social for generating some of the best laughs in the local online community lately. And unlike this blog, which has always claimed to be semi-fictional, Bravo has now done the most awesome thing evar by making Miamians look like the biggest fucking morons and calling it "real" instead of "hyperbole" and "satire," which is really what it should be.

Quiz: can you tell what's real and what's not in the blog post?

Mind you, I haven't watched the complete show, because I couldn't bear it, but the reviews have been supremely entertaining. I have, however, watched a few clips, which has made me wonder if I might not be pregnant, given the sudden desire to vomit at a moment's notice.

No, I know for sure I'm not pregnant. I got gang-banged by a bunch of vasectomy / penile enlargement patients last week while waiting in line at Publix, because South Beach is so sexy and that's how we roll here.

Well, I'll get around to watching the show at length when I'm too tired to wank-off to the Sham Wow guy late at night. But in the meantime, all this got me thinking ...

... here's the thing, in light of this representation of Miami as a shallow place place full of vapid people (holy shit, the entire Bravo network should be called VAPID, with the exception of Kathy Griffin), I wonder if Miami Social stole some ideas from my cartoons.

So, I'd thought I'd take an opportunity to republish them again, and let people know just exactly how stupid, sexually-obsessed and obnoxious we real Miamians truly are.

Miami is the land of ectomorphs with no brains and plenty of promiscuous pussy, dick and assholes who live in high-rise buildings. Oh, but I'm sorry, you snort so much cocaine, your nose is bigger than your [insert orifice of choice]. That's right. Oh and of course, don't forget to bleach your privates, too, because what could be more embarrassing than having an asshole that doesn't match your tan? Sporting a spotty bunghole is no way to go about in life, dearie.

south beach high rises
It's too bad Miami Social's website has picture of Miami Sound Machine and Crocket & Tubs, cause you know, these entertainment classics -- the one a band from a million years ago and the other a fictional TV show -- are just so accurate a reflection of our fair city today in 2009. (PS, Sorry Gloria, I love you ... but Sound Machine was so 80s! Why didn't they have a picture of you NOW?)

south beach diet
Anyway, I'm sorry SoBe Fit, but most people here survive on a diet of vodka, french fries and surely some blow. This is the real South Beach Diet and don't let Dr. Agatston tell you otherwise.

gator and shark south beachOh, and don't forget, it's a vapid-celebrity-star eat vapid-celebrity-star world out there, and this is before you even puke the $15 plain croissant you had at News Café.

You know, I wanted to pitch a show to Bravo about the Horny Housewives of Hialeah (TM), but I think I need to find another network that actually does reality TV. Actually ... you know what? Wanna see truly stupid and ridiculous? Go to any South Beach club or hotel bar and film the women's bathroom. There, you'll see a sad Haitian woman not getting tipped from the women freebasing on hairspray, stealing lollipops and talking about anal sex like it was getting a massage from a stone crab. And people wonder why I hate clubs!

Miami Herald review - OMG funniest read evar!
Debate at Miami Beach 411 - which show is more fake? Miami Social or Miami CSI? And do salt-rimmed margaritas make your feet get puffy?
South Florida Daily Blog
Miami New Times

And for a good dose of reality, please visit my photo group: THE REAL MIAMI BEACH. Just walk down Washington Avenue any day. How's that for a bravo?


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