My Underwear Is So Ugly ...

My underwear is so ugly, my clitoris goes into hiding when I put it on. Heck, it's a good thing I have a muffin top, this way I don't have to see those fug bloomers. And my bra? Forget about it! It's so drab, even an Amish woman wouldn't wear it.

Mel Gibson won’t even scream at my underwear – yes, it’s THAT heinous. I mean when they say Victoria's Secret, they really mean "let's keep Maria's ugly ass underwear a secret." Even Walmart won't carry this shit. Even pubic lice won't come close to it! Even the face of Jesus won't make an appearance on my unholy undergarments!

My panties are so dreadful, Jack Sparrow used one as a flag on his pirate ship.

Yeah, my underwear is so embarrassing, British royalty wears it on its head.

Oh and you know when mama said to always wear nice underwear in case you got into an accident? Well the other day, I got into one and while I was bleeding to death the paramedic looked at me and said: "you didn't listen to your mama, did ya?"

But there's a silver lining to all this ...

Artists are inspired by my underwear. My panties sag so much, Cristo wants to hang them over the Sears tower.

And, of course, I can always go commando, although I would hate for my hot punani to contribute to global warming.

I tried entering the Kotex "Makeunder" Contest for a chance to be in a series of web videos with Kathy Griffin but the website was screwed up. I also think the submissions were curated and if so, I was doomed from the start because I wasn't writing some sob story about how I'm some pathetic housewife with an asshole husband and three kids bla bla bla ... But hey, how could raunchy, tasteless and non-pc humor be an issue? It's Kathy Griffin, for pete's sake! The PR folks I contacted never got back to me to answer my questions about the technical details. Oh well.

Anyway, this post may or may not reflect the current condition of my lingerie drawer, but it's classic Manola.

Photo credit: Iamagenious on Flickr