Friday, June 01, 2012

Hurricane Season Boyfriend 2012

Here we go again. Tropical storm Beryl hit before June 1st, the official start of Hurricane Season 2012.

Oh my! Can it be already one year? How time flies! Jeremy Wade of River Monsters did a great job as Hurricane Season Boyfriend 2011 but it's time to pick a new one today. It's June 1, the official start of hurricane season and with three named storms already, we're shaking in the knees.

We've had many nominations, including Old Spice Guy. But he's a little too laid back for this role. Sure, he's suave and smells good, but he probably wouldn't stand in line for three hours just to get you an ice cube that's going to melt on the way home.  He's a lady man. And only a true love would put up with such a stupid errand just so you can have a cold Skinny Girl Margarita.

Some of our Florida femmes got political.  A favorite nominee was Barack Obama:  "He can expedite your FEMA request like no other."  Sure POTUS would be great for dealing with bureaucracy in the aftermath, but we just get an icky feeling about all those secret service agents looming about, especially if they're not servicing us.


Ladies, you know that each hurricane season we must have steadfast partners for six months. These men, who are utterly dispensable during the tourist season, must be able to put up hurricane shutters in 50 mile per hour winds while fierce rain falls sideways, hard rain drops pelting their shirtless, sinewy chests.  They must also be able to handle wilderness in the aftermath of the storm and by wilderness, I mean your whining ass after two weeks without electricity and waxing appointments.  You must be able to trust this man with a machete, if you know what I mean. He aint just cutting a swath down fallen Banyan trees in your driveway.

The best Hurricane Season Boyfriend isn't afraid of nature nor the beast within -- you know that beast within you that complains about not having a hot shower and having to eat moldy peanut butter sandwiches instead of raw vegan salads from Whole Foods.

This year, we have decided to go local and pick not one but two gentleman who would fit really the bill. Why settle for one pair of balls when you can have two?  That's four cojones for the price of one!

So without further ado, drum roll please ...


Paul Bedard and Jimmy Riffle of Gator Boys.  Photo: Animal Planet/Bob Croslin.

What's not to love? Just look at them!  They are knee-deep in the swamp because they want to be, not because they have to.

And you know, after a month or so with a tarp protecting the roof, your house is going to look like this anyway. After the storm surge, expect a wayward snapper from Biscayne Bay to land on your car. Lizards, scorpions, a boat that was moored in a marina 20 miles away, lost hipsters and drug-crazed zombies might also show up on your mud-covered Ikea sofa.

Eventually, weeds will start growing from your lingerie drawer.  The simple engineering and well-ventilated design of a humble thatched-roof Seminole hut is going to make way more sense than a waterfront McMansion.

Or if you're an urbanite, you're going to curse the day you invested in a glass-and-steel Brickell condo on the 50th floor because of the "great view."  Start making friends with carrier pigeons now. If an Andrew category five hits downtown Miami, you're going to need a helicopter to to deliver pizzas from Fort Lauderdale because Miami will be out of power and you won't be able to charge your mobile phone.


But we digress! Why focus on the hardships of surviving a hurricane when we have luscious men to make it all better?

In addition to water and batteries, these biceps and forearms should be in every single woman's hurricane supply kit.  Photo: Animal Planet.

Take a look at Paul Bedard. Would you kick this tri-athlete out of what's left of your mattress when the roofed caved in over your bedroom? I bet not.  You see that groovy necklace he's wearing? That could double as a cuticle pusher, a hair accessory and a nifty utensil in case you have to gut a python if that's all daddy could bring home for dinner that night from the hunt.

Don't you love a man who can tame a beast from on top? Photo: Animal Planet.

And just feast your eyes on cutie pie Jimmy Riffle.  If he can cuddle a ferocious reptile without fear, imagine what he could do with you if you had PMS!

Also, these guys know Florida.  They've worked out of Weston and know that gators in your swimming pool are a hell of a lot safer than a mob of teenagers watching movies at a Kendall mall.  And while they may not be able to haggle the price of a fake Louis Vuitton bag in Hialeah, they'll probably know the difference between a real contractor and a price gouger from another state.

(By the way, the alligators they rescue do not become purses or belts.)

The pair are like Florida's very own Brawny men, but instead of pushing paper towels, it's rolling papers.  OK, totally kidding. Actually, they seem to be clean, which is a big plus. But bet you a drop in  barometric pressure that it'd be fun to kick back and have a beer with these guys.

Congratulations to Paul Bedard and Jimmy Riffle of Gator Boys for becoming part of this most coveted Hall of Fame, which so far has included Harry Connick, Jr., Chef Robert Irvine, Father Alberto and Jeremy Wade, plus many other honorable nominees such as Anderson Cooper and Bryan Norcross.

To learn more about the team, visit Animal Planet's series, Gator Boys.  They're in the business of rescuing nuisance alligators in South Florida.


Neo said...

From one writer to another: You know how to turn a phrase. Nice work, Maria.

knowaging said...


Anonymous said...

I think Jimmy Riffle is soooooooo soooooooo soooooo soooooooo soooooo sooooooo sooooooooooooooooooo undeniablely The HOTTEST guy EVER!!!!!!! He should win the sexiest man award!!!!!!! Whoever his girlfriend is, is the luckiest woman ever!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I find myself wishing there were gators in New Jersey because I think I might be a little bit in love with Paul Bedard. I began watching the show because it's cool and continued out of pure lust. LOL!