Planet Manola: Kooks vs. Books

Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently.

I want to see pictures of boys' pee pees!

VAMOS TO HELL

Just because we simply haven't had enough warmongering among the males of the local blogosphere about the clusterfuck known as the "Miami-Dade School Board Does Not Heart a Book Called Vamos a Cuba," let's look at some of Manola's favorite reads, which have been considered unsuitable for the tender minds of innocent Americans.

Decameron by Boccacio: Call Homeland Security! All those damn Italians yapping about Muslims having orgies!
Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller: All those damn American expat writers having sex with French whores in Paris and washing their genitals in bidets! Ew!
As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner: You sicko, your dead mother is not a MILF!
Canterbury Tales by Chaucer: That Wife of Bath was some skanky old ho!
Lady Chatterley's Lover by D.H. Lawrence: Crippled husband with no penis? Yum! Can I have fries with that?
Lord of the Flies by William Golding: Stupid ass title. Americans worship fries, people!
Little Red Riding Hood by Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm: You know what the big bad wolf really wanted, eh?
Candide by Voltaire: Those damn French people again! Over the limit in allowable number of rapes and disembowlments per chapter!
Ulysses by James Joyce: Ew, Irish women menstruate and men fart? That's not literature! Gross!

Who needs fuckin' books anyway? They only fill your mind with gobbledygook and make you question things. Who has time for that shit? Let's just get rid of all books in all school libraries. We could fill up the stacks with Martha Stewart tchotchkes from Kmart!

I JUST CALLED TO SAY I LOVE YOU

Ladies, here's some practical advice from Maestra Manola.



tags: books, vamos a cuba, miami, parody, audiocast, satire, spanglish

Planet Manola: Is Your Bunghole Spotty?

Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently.



MIAMI BLEACH

Intrepid New Times reporter Joanne Green wanders into a waxing salon on South Beach and discovers bunghole bleaching. Just when you thought human beings couldn't possibly be more vain and shallow, a genius invents Anal Bleach Cream. Let me tell you something: if you are peering at my asshole, you better not fucking complain about the shade of its complexion. Have some manners, you sicko!

Now here's a product we must have! Where did I put the phone number of that pharmaceutical company exec who brought me drinks at ... ?

CYBERSPACE VS. MEATSPACE

What's up with people trying to hook up through blogs? Just because a woman writes about sex doesn't mean she's advertising her interest in dating to the world. Let me tell you something: a blog is not a fucking personals ad. You want to date? Go to fucking mismatch.com, ok? As a matter of fact, the author of this blog is a pimply, overweight raging lesbian Buddhist monk mother of three brats spawned by Mighty Dyckerson with a terrible case of gonorrhea who suffers from boils and lives on welfare while practicing abstinence. And no, you can't nominate me for Jerry Springer's show. I love my privacy. Fuckin' A.

PS ... NY Mary, are you proud of my Queen's English?

I'M PROUD OF MY BIG CUBAN ASS

Ay mi Celia! Mi reina! The world is not the same without you, but your legacy lives on! You were the body electric, mama! You put the song in our hearts and the wiggle in our butts. Whenever anyone gives me shit about being Cuban, I just want to hold up a banner that says: don't mess with the memory of Celia! AZUCAR!

So just in case you thought South Beach was full of vain and shallow people who want their assholes to look like a newborn baby's scalp, let me remind you that our fair island does boast some signigicant culture. Don't miss the exhibit devoted to Cuban music's firebrand at the Ass Museum of Fart Bass Museum of Art, ongoing until August 19.

PIMP ME WITH A CHERRY ON TOP

Join the author of this blog at Miami Beach 411 for sizzling coverage of Top Chef Miami!



Beach sex photograph courtesy of never-ceases-to-amaze-me Miami Fever.

tags: miami beach, anal, south beach, butt, bleach, celia cruz