Friday, June 08, 2007

Planet Manola: Kooks vs. Books

Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently.

I want to see pictures of boys' pee pees!

VAMOS TO HELL

Just because we simply haven't had enough warmongering among the males of the local blogosphere about the clusterfuck known as the "Miami-Dade School Board Does Not Heart a Book Called Vamos a Cuba," let's look at some of Manola's favorite reads, which have been considered unsuitable for the tender minds of innocent Americans.

Decameron by Boccacio: Call Homeland Security! All those damn Italians yapping about Muslims having orgies!
Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller: All those damn American expat writers having sex with French whores in Paris and washing their genitals in bidets! Ew!
As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner: You sicko, your dead mother is not a MILF!
Canterbury Tales by Chaucer: That Wife of Bath was some skanky old ho!
Lady Chatterley's Lover by D.H. Lawrence: Crippled husband with no penis? Yum! Can I have fries with that?
Lord of the Flies by William Golding: Stupid ass title. Americans worship fries, people!
Little Red Riding Hood by Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm: You know what the big bad wolf really wanted, eh?
Candide by Voltaire: Those damn French people again! Over the limit in allowable number of rapes and disembowlments per chapter!
Ulysses by James Joyce: Ew, Irish women menstruate and men fart? That's not literature! Gross!

Who needs fuckin' books anyway? They only fill your mind with gobbledygook and make you question things. Who has time for that shit? Let's just get rid of all books in all school libraries. We could fill up the stacks with Martha Stewart tchotchkes from Kmart!

I JUST CALLED TO SAY I LOVE YOU

Ladies, here's some practical advice from Maestra Manola.



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12 comments:

Balou said...

You're a nut... and I love you for it.

Remember when they tried to (or did?) ban "Catcher in the Rye"?? God forbid we should let children develop their brains and learn about something outside their bubble. Sadly, as a product of the Miami-Dade public school system, I've realized that I was jipped educationally and have had to "self-teach" myself a lot of things. Thank goodness for Discovery and National Geographic!

Xavier said...

My book list will put most people into hibernation.

Ulysses was shoved down my throat in college. I hate it. That's plenty gobbledygook if you need any.

For a long time, until I ventured into private education for high school, I was a victim of the shoddy county public school system.There should be a support group for people like us. Hi, my name is Xavier, and I didn't learn how to add.

Balou said...

Xavier: LOL! I, too, am a mathematical illiterate.

Sadly I didn't realize how bad our system was until my first semester in college when I had to take a Social Environment course that included geography and I realized I had no idea where any place was (I guessed that Portugal was near Brazil... because they speak Portuguese there), because I'd never taken a geography course in my life. So sad!

latinbombshell said...

Me three! Oh wait ... I used a number. :-)

No math was every required of me past algebra and I went to a good high school. But my high school had a great AP program, thank God.

In college, I took logic instead of math, which really helped me with writing, acutally. But as they say, ignorance (of math) is bliss.

I don't think geography was offered in my high school because I would've taken it. I still love it, to this day, but the only class I ever took was in Caracas at the International School during sixth grade.

Xavier, most people take years to get through Ulysses. I managed, but I never made it through Finnegans Wake. It was always a good excuse to drink good Irish whiskey on Fridays in grad school though ...

Count Joyce's Dubliners as my favorite.

Rick said...

monger, monger, monger.....


:)

Dayngr said...

I am taking notes right now & practicing as we espek.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

My God, you have a sexy french accent! Show me your pommes!

James Burnett said...

Hey, I'm all about Canterbury Tales. But then I'm a geek. What's your excuse? Kidding.

And I agree with Mighty Dyckerson. Not asking you to show your pommes, but the accent is excellent!

Verticus S. Erectus said...

Love the Spanglish lessons. Keep 'em coming.

SuperBee said...

Books are most useful for arranging in neat stacks on built-in shelving units, to make one's owner look smart; they also lend that certain "I don't know what" to a Bright and Airy Hamptons-decorated sunroom!

Their spines also lend a handy breeding ground to silverfish.

Princess Banter said...

Aaah a lover of Chaucer :) Very nice!

Lara Wechsler said...

Maria, how do you do it?!!!!!!!