Disclaimer: the following is not intended as professional medical advice, although it may make you laugh as humor is, after all, the best medicine.
In this the first of hopefully many "Ask Dr. Steelclit" installments, we attempt to answer actual search engine queries that have tricked hapless and unsuspecting visitors into our seductive lair. Don't ever say we don't aim to please!
SOUTH BEACH VAGINA CREAM
"I Googled South Beach Vagina Cream and found your site. Have you heard of it?" -- Itching in the UK
Hmm ... no, actually I've never heard of it, unless you mean "cream" as a verb and I'm pretty sure you don't. While there are many OTC products available for vaginal conditions such as yeast infections, none exist that specifically address the condition of South Beach. Perhaps some greedy pharmaceutical company should seize the potential to sell this snake oil to millions of gullible tourists. In any case, here in the land of sun and fun such a cream would have to satisfy many women's needs.
South Beach Vagina Cream should ...
... help women who suffer from fat vagina to lose all hoochie blubber in a matter of hours, eliminating the need for liposuction. No longer will you have to wear a tent dress because of embarrasing moose knuckle!
... on the opposite spectrum, cure all skinny bitches once and for all of equally embarrasing camel toe! What's up with giving your vagina a wedgie? Are you a world-class competitor in Extreme Tight Pants? Is your vagina a black hole
... act as gentle, waterproof lube and nuclear-powered spermicide.
... serve as a convenient disinfectant seat wipe to avoid contagion from someone else's icky cooties. (See South Beach Miniskirt Crisis.)
... cure untimely yeast infections acquired by wearing a wet bikini for a prolonged periods of time. How can you screw the cute bartender if your twat hurts?
... when applied directly to the forehead, provide user with instant gaydar.
... provide instant vaginal reguvination to old hags so they can bang a hot gigolo. Adverse effects: causes vagina belonging to gold digging bimbo who stole old hag's first husband to become as loose and undesirable as his dignity.
... in case of date gone bad, offer women mild orgasms with just a thin application to the surface of the vulva. Upon return from a visit to the ladies room, all you'll hear is Harry Connick Jr. seductively crooning instead of your date incessantantly blathering about the Marlins, his dumb ass job and his evil ex-wife.
... instantly rid all vaginal, perineal and anal surfaces of sand after a romp on the beach, leaving you with a clean, fresh feeling.
I'm no marketing expert, but it seems to me that this product would benefit a great deal from viral marketing. Ladies who lurk here, can you think of other wonderful applications for the wondrous South Beach Vagina Cream?
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A STUPID QUESTION
"Do we need to wash after intercourse?" -- Scruffy in Sacramento
Hell yeah, girlfriend! Kick his lazy fat ass out of bed and make him do the dishes!
"I need to know how to make my thong not stink." -- Odorous in Ireland
Two things: a) Don't wear one. b) Fucking wash it!
"Do thongs cause wedgies?" -- Confused in Cincinnati
This question is redundant. A THONG IS BY ITS VERY NATURE A WEDGIE.
"Is my neighbor a velociraptor?" -- Terrified in Tallahassee
This is not a sex related question. However, if your neighbor looks like Sobesaurus and drives a Bentley, haul ass!
Sobesaurus by Manola. Bikini babe with ambiguous crotch bump courtesy of the bokehlicious Miami Fever.
tags: vagina, thong, advice, humor, paris hilton, sexual hygiene, south beach