Beachhattan Lifestyle, Part 1

UNREAL ESTATE

Driving down West Avenue in HoBe, where there are so many fucking high-rise condos, you can barely feel ocean breezes or see blazing-blue Goya skies anymore. You forget that you live on a flat-ass barrier island in the subtropics -- an island that is basically a pit stop for every major hurricane that hits the USA. As an expert on the lack-of-topic, I officially baptize my native homeland "Beachhattan" ...

I cannot help but wonder about these statistics, which are -- DISCLAIMER ... ouch, please Oprah, don't give me a guilt trip and drive me into relapse!!! -- somewhat fabricated, so very embellished and completely innacurate. I mean, if you're going to write a memoir a la James Frey, what's a little cake frosting on the freakin' yarn? Why not bribe the fact-checkers (post previously held by author) ... after all, I'm just counting the stray thick hairs on my bar of soap to give me the TRUTH, OK?

STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY

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... average number of monotonous, minimalist and ugly buildings designed by a "so" (can you just SEE the gesture?) gay guy and a maniacal, greedy developer in Beachattan that all look the same -- made of poorly-installed but lovely azure-tinted glass, of course -- design-wise being touted as some architectural marvel, although looking like stiff stainless steel penises on viagra shooting up into the sky: 8,000

... average number of quaint, low-rise buildings, well-designed and ecologically-friendly, respectful of the natural landscape and local culture -- stubby, lowly buildings that experience "sun block" in the afternoon from those towering monsters: eh, maybe 10, if we're lucky?

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... average number of said high-rise buildings that will get the shit blown away from them during a mere Cat 3 hurricane if the eye makes a direct hit because they are made of poorly-installed glass: 8,000

... average number of buildings that will survive a mere Cat 3 hurricane because they were made of concrete in the 1930's: eh, maybe 10, if we're lucky?

COMMUNITY INFRASTRUCTURE

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... average number of people who heed a hurricane EVAC warning on Miami Beach: 8

... number of people who will fucking DIE if they don't get off the island during a mere Cat 3: 8,000

REPENT ... OR RENT

... average number of cheap-ass units author looked at before moving into actual residence: 20

... average number of units looked at where you'd prefer cockroaches to condoms: 1

(OK, smack in the middle of HoBe ... gay owner showing you the apartment -- which is IMPECCABLY clean and cute -- but he whisked the unwrapped condoms off the newly remodeled granite counter top, and showed me to the bedroom, where there was a what he called an "access" door -- complete with chain-lock, that lead to the "community laundry room," and when I opened it, I found a perfectly respectable gentleman, reading the newspaper in his bath robe, somewhat resembling Anthony Hopkins playing Hannibal -- with his dick hanging out for a good hygenic airing. So, in spite of the cedar closets and parking, I declined the offer.)

PUBIC WORKS

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... number of over-priced condos being marketed to wealthy Latin-American drug lords and their harems of abused women trapped in bad relationships but who can afford Gucci bags: 8,000

... number of toilet flushes the infrastructure can actually handle: 800

... number of toilet flushes Miami Beach actually has at any given moment, which give "low tide" that bad olfactory reputation: 8,000,000

MIAMI BEACH MUNICIPAL PARKING AND DRUG AUTHORITY

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... average time it takes to drive two miles from author's home to Hobe if taking most direct route (Alton Road): 20 minutes

... average time it takes a socialite celebrity to park: 20 minutes

(I mean, talk about dumb and dumber! The Lindsey Lohans who keep making parking violation and car accident news -- well, you can't just park your glossy yellow Maserati -- which of course, matches your fake blond hair!!! Oh, let me tell you, it's such a chore. First, you have to manage the hurdle of getting to the thirtieth story of your high-rise stainless steel penis residence and have your packages of decadent-and-totally-unecessary-shopping transported by illegal immigrants, after giving the key to your also illegal immigrant valet, whom you are probably fucking because you hate the sugar daddy drug lord whom you cohabit with because he buys you Gucci bags.)

... average time crook spends breaking into car that has a much coveted parking pass of a Miami Beach local: 20 minutes

... average time it takes a regular Miami Beach local to find a parking space without all this heavy emotional drama: 20 minutes

... average number of parking spaces in Miami Beach: 3

... average number of people seeking a parking space: 3,000

... average number of cheap thrill-seeking teenagers who, coming from the land of the living dead -- suburban mainland Miami -- drive into, make it past the DUI post and park on Miami Beach: 300,000

(Weekends in HoBe: adolescents who want to take EX and screw on the dance floor of an over-priced dance club where you will surely be scrutinized before you even get into the door, I mean JUDGED by the cross-dressing bouncer who announces "vaginas only" and where only Skank Hilton gets in because of her "informal dress," "loose attitude" and "exposed quite frankly and freshly depilated pussy," and, of course, afterwards forking over a good percentage of a trust fund on the cover charge and drinks.)

LOCAL ECONOMY REGRESS REPORT

... average annual salary (net gross) of a local buying condo: $28K

... average monthly mortgage of a local: $28K

(investing in a 700 square foot musty-smelling, art-deco condo with creaking wooden floors, lacking elevator, laundry service or parking but a plethora of loud drug dealers and the unasked for sexual noises of active neighbors heard through the wall)

... average hotel room rental rate (in which you pretend you are NOT on SoBe, 'cause it's so nice, like at The Delano): $28K

... cost of hangover-required orange juice needed at such a presumptious, preposterous place so price-gauged by celebrity status: $28K