Manola News, Miami Beach, June 11, 2006 - BRING YOUR OWN BATTERIES! With all the sex toys abuzz at the Miami Beach Convention Center this weekend, Miami Beach definitely felt some good vibes at Exxxotica -- the East coast's largest adult event billed as “A Celebration of Sexy." Manola Blablablanik also celebrates sexy as part of her daily routine, so she ventured out from under her rock to learn how to celebrate even sexier with a set of triple AAA batteries in her pocket and a press badge clipped onto her ample bosom.
[Warning: Some of the following links do reveal some explicit images. If you are at work, shame on you! And if you are under 18, you shouldn't even be reading Sex and the Beach!]
GLASSY AND CLASSY
No sooner did Manola start patrolling the exhibitor booths than she discovered the first of several non-battery and battery-operated items. The gentleman on the left handed Manola this space-age glass dildo, which was warm to the touch. The glass sex toys manufactured by Know Mind come in all shapes and sizes, are safe to use and are so beautifully sculpted, they could easily double as a tchotchke for your coffee table.
A CASE OF CRABS
Ladies, here's a case of crabs that's actually good and good for you. Manola personally endorses this cute little crustacean, received as a gift courtesy of Loving Craby and shown here in the hands of a convention model. On those days when you feel your man is nothing more than a whining overgrown mammal, give this fella a try.
LARGER THAN LIFE
Oh look! It's bigger than Colin Farrell's penis! Here is the famous golden phallus regularly on display at the World Erotic Museum on Miami Beach. For a mere ten dollars, attendees could pose with the shiny wonder.
LESS IS MORE
This hot mamma, owner of Simple Pleasures, knows how to throw a good party. What could be better than a girls' night out staying in buying fun and funky products for the bedroom in a discreet environment?
One of the more interesting products for sale at hot mamma's booth was the Chinese Shrinking Cream. On those days when your man complains about your vagina being larger than the trunk of his SUV, you can, after hitting him on the head with a frying pan, still please him by applying this lotion to tighten your sweet spot. Hot mamma also recommended using a pair of benwa balls to do kiegel exercises while walking around the house doing menial chores.
MORE IS MORE
Ah, the world of sex is full of contradictions. One minute, your vagina is too loose and the next it's so tight that your man gets out of bed and heads for the garage for a quart of motor oil. After hitting him on the head with a frying pan, you suggest he slather you with this marvellous lubricant, which is odorless and non-sticky. Plus, it reactivates with water or saliva!
The inventor of My Buddy is very proud of his creation! On those days when you've had enough of hitting your husband on the head with a frying pan and he "volunteers" to sleep on the couch, here is a buddy you can always count on for consolation!
LIFE, LIBERTY AND THE PURSUIT OF KINK
According to a group of protesters staged across the sidewalk at the Miami Beach Convention Center, each and everyone us present was a sex-obsessed heathen who will burn in hell!
Even Manola, with all her gripes about anal sex, would not give a damn about what folks do behind closed doors. And even if she did, it wouldn't do a girl proud to vociferate. After all, try standing on a soap box wearing platform heels!
Free speech rules and so does the celebration of sex!
And now if you don't mind, Manola must run to the store for a fresh pack of batteries!
Special thanks to Woody Graber of VT Shows for the press badge!
Tired of reading the Miami Herald? Try the Sex Herald instead.