Thursday, June 08, 2006
Oh boy, GYN!
Each year, barring any unforeseen health complications, I pay a visit to a doctor who really cares about my vagina and I look forward to this routine as much as I look forward to being hit by a truck.
A friend of mine, prodigious mother of four, once told me that when you arrive at the hospital for delivery, your vagina becomes Grand Central and that, like husbands, children and credit card debt, you get used to it.
Ladies, I don't know about you, but I never get used to it.
Even though my doctor couldn't hurt a fly and in spite of the fact that -- in case you didn't already know: I am not a virgin, but a woman who has been struck by cupid's arrow, actually make that a variety of "arrows" in all shapes and sizes -- each and every time my doctor says "OPEN WIDE" I wince in anticipation of the clicking sound and tight squeeze of the speculum and the sensation of having my uterus swabbed with a long q-tip and scraped by a metal scrub brush, which feels like getting a bee sting where the sun don't shine.
But what truly never ceases to amaze me are the conversation topics that ensue while laying supine, legs in stirrups and ass propped on a cold table while a physician pokes around in my netherlands. To wit, here are my favorites:
IS THAT A BASEBALL BAT OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO EXAMINE ME?
Manola: "How 'bout dem Bears?"
Doctor: "They beat the Packers."
(Duly noted, neither physician nor patient know the difference between a sports team, a meat facility and a furry mammal.)
SPECULUM MEANS MIRROR IN LATIN
Manola: "Dominus vobiscum."
Doctor: "Semper Ubis Sub Ubis."
ALTHOUGH I LOOK LIKE I JUST SAW A GHOST, MY CERVIX IS ROSY
Doctor: "Your cervix looks a healthy shade of pink, Manola."
Manola (with deadpan glare fixed on the fluorescent lights ): "Oh, that's just dandy! It'll match my suede sling-backs."
THE BURNING QUESTION ABOUT THE BURNING BUSH
Manola: "So, when did you decide you wanted to look inside vaginas for a living?"
Doctor: "Oh, this is just a hobby. My real job is helping women push watermelon-sized humans out of a keyhole."
ASS A MATTER OF FACT
Doctor: "Please bear down and relax. In order to check your fecal matter for blood, I must unfortunately insert my gloved index finger into your rectum."
Manola: "You know, if you only looked like George Clooney and we had candlelight, wine and soft music, this moment would be incredibly romantic."
THE TRUTH IS IN THE PEEING
Doctor: "Before the exam, please empty your bladder into this cup."
Manola: "I am so not pregnant. I haven't got laid in months."
Doctor: "I insist. Look at what happened to Mary."
Doctor: "What are you using for protection?"
Manola: "A bullet-proof vest."
Manola: "Doctor, if you can get me laid by George Clooney, I'll send you a bouquet of condoms, ok?"
Doctor: "Have you noted any unusual lumps in your breasts lately?"
Manola: "No. I whisk cornstarch in cold water to thicken the gravy."
Doctor: "Was your ex boyfriend Mr. Thinks He's Huge a jerk? I see traces of bad relationship on your uterine wall."
Manola: "Oh my God, no wonder I couldn't read the writing."
A CLEAN BILL OF STEALTH
Doctor: "Ok, you can put your clothes back on now."
Manola: "But I was planning on sneaking out of the hospital in this paper gown!"