Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Manola Hearts Horatio Cane

Dear Producers of CSI,

Boy do you have it all wrong. Ending your season with impossibly blonde Calleigh Duquesne wearing black stilleto pumps to a crime scene? Oh and Mr. Hot Lips -- aka DELCO -- whose labial assets reminds one of the most delicious blood oranges sautéed in tender garlic is now lusting after Miss Alice in Fisticups? And seriously, screw the mojo, what about normally way cool and superbly stoic Alexx Woods -- honey pie, you may dissect bodies, but how can you wear such hideously obvious hair extensions and still call yourself a professional medical examiner?

Oy, it drives a Miami girl crazy, let me tell ya!

Most importantly, what about all the dead people, drug running, corrupt politicians, environmental abuses and crimes and shit?

OMG, your story lines are so freakin' pathetic. You think that just because you throw in -- a) a few anorexic models with attractive faces who act like stupid bimbos b) a smattering of highly photoshopped alligators c) boring-ass aerial shots of I-75 and c) random stupid undergraduate psych 101 course topics about fucked up peeps -- that you can make a TV crime drama set in SoFla?

Has it occured to you that maybe there are beautiful people in South Florida who have brains who just take perverse pleasure in the fact that you are making mondo bucks from misrepresenting Miami?

Plus the fact that you shoot 90% in LA, hello? That's Mickey Mouse set plus two! Mickey Mouse, you hear me? How can I possibly take this prime time tv drama seriously? Most importantly, you so need to hire Manola as your script consultant. Please call 1-800-SMART-WRITING and I'll help you put together a solid story line, ok?


Manola BBB

24 Hour operator available at your service! Need some verb advice? Got an itch regarding adverbs? Just need to jack off to conjugation? CALL US!

Oh and by the way THIS is the best outfit to wear in South Florida, especially if you are a crime scene investigator! Let me tell you something, people who read this blog from far and abroad, nothing, absolutely nothing, can compare to trying to be a respectable human being while sweating like a pig in our climate, which is why I'm trying to tell you, the first issue I have with Miami CSI is the fact that its cast of characters don't dress appropriately for the climate. Heck, I might even start a new blog: SWEAT AND THE BEACH. What do you think?

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PS ... the resemblance between Emily Procter and teh real Manola is scary! I had to make the mash-up OBVIOUS!


Gawpo said...

"Fell faster than David Caruso's career" is one of my favorite sayings.

I can't stand CSI. Too much SMS (Stupid Movie Shit). It is nothing like that in real police work. NOTHING LIKE THAT.

Comment enabled is good.

ADW said...

Why would anyone prefer filming in LA over Miami?? That is enough proof in and of itself that they are Morons.

wormbrain said...

Is that his johnson you drew there?
Dearie, someone needs to teach you how to draw a proper penis.

Manola Blablablanik said...

Wormbrain, feel free to send us sample sketches!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I want to do unspeakable things to your avatar.

wormbrain said...

You asked for it!

8=====> (_o_)

I threw in the butt as a bonus!

native phloridian said...

Thank you for the best laugh I have had all day! I completely agree with you about the joke that is "CSI:Miami". From the clothes to the cast to the locations to the story lines. I would gladly consult on the show for FREE.