Ah, puppy love! So young, naive, hopeful and utterly blind!LOVE IN THE TIME OF DIARRHEA
Actually, who are we kidding? Most grown-ups have their heads up their asses when it comes to love. Case in point: my dear friend Yvette, who does not have her head up her ass, but has dated many assholes -- literally.
I can count one hand the number of times in my life I have uttered to another human being the words, "I have diarrhea." There are lots of other ways to say that you are unwell. Saying that your stomach is upset does the job nicely. Saying that you have a stomach "thing" is universally understood. But the professor said, "I have horrible, horrible diarrhea!"Now, even though I refrain from dating in my present life, I still take to heart some very sage advice Sir Fish A Lot's mother once shared with me. A retired police officer, she was the first white woman to walk a beat in the Bronx, so you know she's one tough cookie. "Whenever a man breaks your heart, just think of him taking a dump on the shitter."
When I was a crazy South Beach girl actively dating all kinds of loonies I met on mismatch.com, I used this advice preemptively. Why wait until he disappoints you? Whenever you decide to be a lemur and take that leap of faith called the first date, just picture the man in front of you taking a dump on the shitter. If the thought makes you want to run to the bathroom and hurl then you know he's not the one for you. But if you're able to see past that then proceed to date number two.
EXPIRATION DATES
Top ten warning signs on subsequent dates:
1. He brings alcohol to the movies, beer to bed and drinks giant margaritas with gummy fish.
2. He argues with you about the location of the urethra relative to the vagina and he's not your ob/gyn.
3. He's a Chilean who makes sophomoric and insensitive jokes about Cubans and you're Cuban.
4. He expresses vehement hatred toward entire foreign civilizations.
5. He's 46 years old and throws rocks at cats.
6. He tells your friend, whom he just met and is serving dinner at her home, that she doesn't know how to cook.
7. He blows smoke in your face even though you don't smoke.
8. He takes you to a cheap all-you-can-eat sushi dump and tells you about the million dollar condo he's about to buy on Collins Avenue.
9. He takes your hand, places it on his dick and says "Look how big it is!" All this while hugging good night in front of people dining outdoors at Smith and Wollensky.
10. And last but not least ... he takes a dump in your toilet and forgets to flush!
PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY AND GROSS
And speaking of gross, do you remember Oregano Man? OMG, he was standing in line behind me at the Morningside Publix the other day! I haven't seen this man in nearly 20 years and he still looked like he had just bathed in a vat of EVOO!
SIR FISH A LOT TAKES A HIKE
I received some exciting news the other day. EX BF #2 is going to do the Appalachian Trail and write a book about his experience. He will spend six months hiking the trail from Georgia to Maine. I am very happy for him. He's such a talented writer with a great passion for the outdoors, much of which he shared with me. I wish him a safe journey and Godspeed!
Photograph of young lovers kissing at the 41st street lifeguard stand courtesy of locarbhiflavor.
tags: dating, humor, shit, love, miami beach
7 comments:
I didn't forget to flush. I just chose not to. I'm big on water conservation.
What a great idea, a book about 5 or 6 months spent hiking the Appalachian Trail... I'm so glad he thought of that 'cause there just aren't enough books on that topic!
Date issues? Get even at Sendahole.com
He brings alcohol to the movies, beer to bed and drinks giant margaritas with gummy fish.
Is bringing gummy fish to bed OK? Because I'm totally into that.
No wonder you gave up dating. By the way, unless Sir Fish A Lot has a sense of humor to balance out his talent and love for the great outdoors, he might want to reconsider. Bill Bryson already did it with a great book called "A Walk In The Woods."
Great list... sometimes I forget that being single wasn't entirely great.
I think if I pictured an ex or a "datee" who had pissed me off taking a crap that would probably ruin me for all future relationships. I'm a germophobe of almost Seinfeldish proportions.
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