Monday, May 14, 2007

Steelclit: Sex Tips for Spiderman

Disclaimer: the following is not intended as professional medical advice, although it may make you laugh as humor is, after all, the best medicine.

In this installment, we answer a reader's questions regarding arachnophilia gone wild.

Dr. Annie:

Is it possible to get an STD from oral sex with a giant mutated spider? How about a scorpion?

Sign me Concerned.

Dear Concerned,

I'm concerned too. There are two issues to address here. First of all, that's not a spider, but a very bad case of crabs. Although the woman appears to be tossing her head back in pleasure, she is actually writhing in agony from severe twat itch. She is a model so she gets paid to pretend she's actually enjoying cunning linguist from a giant spider, but the truth is she is just an airbrushed bimbo bitching about how men get to scratch their balls all the time in public, while women have to deploy discreet maneuvers.

Who can blame her? Let me tell you something, the next time I see some dude fondling his huevos in public I'm going to so scratch my twat with equally smug pride -- I don't care if I'm walking down the red carpet with the Queen of England! That's what feminism is all about! Screw that bra-burning shit. We have every right to relieve our pruritus!

But back to your concern. Don't worry, while uncomfortable, pubic lice is easily treatable with OTC products available at any drustore. Or, if you're into holipstick medicine, try this special Hialeah cure: just wash every piece of fabric in your house in hot water, down three shots of Bacardi rum, watch the Chongalicious video and put a rooster's leg tied in fresh oregano leaves on the doorstep of that vermin you called lover for a night.

To prevent future incidents, find a full-length mirror and take a good look at yourself. What's up with screwing a douchebag with crabs? There's something to be said about moral inventory, honey! Wouldn't you inspect the basement before buying the house?

Second of all, yes it's dangerous to get oral sex from a giant mutated anything, unless it's Gene Simmons' tongue. And speaking of mutated things, I would not recommend idolizing a certain superhero who benefits from his spideresque powers to save the world. Who needs that kind of man? The only tangled web you want to weave is the one that involves your pubic hair and his teeth! Who needs a superhero who is too busy to neglect your sexual needs?

Having been blessed by the astrological sign of Scorpio, I must say there is absolutely nothing wrong with this extremely demented and highly disturbing Kafkaesque mis-en-scene. In fact, it's very important for any woman to be able to instantly whip out her stinger when cavorting with an asshole. Then again, he might enjoy having his tender bunghole ripped open by a sharp, irritating object. You just never know! My advice: if your sexual partners habitually turn into dangerous insects just prior to the walk of shame, you might consider laying off the designer vodka.

But whether your proclivities turn to the local jerk or the dandy tourist, make sure he covers his wanker with a rubber. Sure, you can deal with a case of crabs, but AIDS is not funny!

Just in case you're a scorpion who has been living under a rock for the past few weeks ... check out some brilliant spunkalicious chutzpah from Hialeah! PS ... lip gloss is not good sexual lubricant!

-- Steelclit question via email. Source: New Scientist. Advertisement for a French AIDS campaign: "Without a condom, you're making love with AIDS. Protect yourself."

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Dan said...

That spider is WAY hotter than Toby Maguire. Toby? Give me a break??

B. Goldenwood said...

I'm with Dan. Craving spider fangs on my steelclit as we speak.

Aquaman said...

Maybe you can help me, Doc. I have this nasty itch from what I guess is sea lice I picked up from a mermaid at Davey Jones' locker last weekend. Only way I can get relief is with Octo-contin.....

Gawpo said...

Is it just me, or is there not a place to leave a comment for the CSI post I just read?

I'm sure it's just me. All alone here in the "I can't find her G spot" zone again.

Paige said...

ok, that's just sick funny.