Monday, June 18, 2007

Planet Manola: Tancredolandia


Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently.

BREAKING NEWS! We interrupt this blog to stray from the subject of sex!

Greetings, citizens of the world, far and wide. It has come to my attention that communication is a major issue in third world countries such as Darfur Miami. So Maestra Manola Finlandia, an expert in Spanglish who teaches at the Ritz Carlos School of Language, has taken on a philanthropic mission paralleled only by Bradgelina to teach the world the language of the new America.

Listen, screw all the news. Many of you bitch about Hispanics but none of you have paid any thought to this very interesting phenomenon: the hard-working, highly-intellectual Cuban-Americans raised in Miami who aren't some yahoos living in mud huts. My Cubanos ... you know who you are and I'm not talking about stogies! It's time we made a statement and flung some verbal frituras de bacalao out into the world!


THIS IS FUCKING AMERICA, GET OVER IT YOU PASTY-FACED CHILDREN OF SLAVE OWNERS FROM TEN GENERATIONS AGO WHO ORIGINALLY CAME FROM EUROPEAN POTATO FARMERS! ONE-LANGUAGE SPEAKING XENOPHOBIC DOLT WHO CAN'T DANCE DOESN'T EXACTLY SPELL WORDLY SOPHISTICATION OR HUMAN WISDOM, EH? WHAT DO YOU EXPECT WHEN THE PENINSULA IS SITUATED SO CLOSELY TO OTHER COUNTRIES? WAR, IMMIGRATION, EXILE, LINGUISTIC CROSS-POLLINATION, ETC; IS LIKE THE M.O. OF WORLD HISTORY AND CULTURE ALREADY! SO DON'T LORD IT OVER ME, YOU HONKY ASSHOLE!

Oh, but Maestra Manola Finlandia has enjoyed deep, rich irony in her life, such as the fact that she too is pasty-faced. Favorite line:
"You're Cuban? Really? I would've never thought so. I thought all people not from America were black and stupid and didn't speak English. Who knew? You're whiter than my South Beach bleached ass and have blue eyes. What's more, your English diction is more impeccable than the Oxford Dictionary tear sheets the Queen uses to wipe her ass on the royal toilet. How can you possibly be Cuban?"
See, apparently many Americans have an issue with Spanish. They get so pissed off about it, they even cancel blogs. Shit! It doesn't matter that the man who "discovered" America was a greedy Genovese (that's Italy, people) mother fucker who screwed the Queen of Spain to kill a bunch of Indians and deplete this continent of its natural resources just to fill his own pocket and masturbate to the cross while millions of Jews and Muslims were being slaughtered in a horrible inquisition.

He spoke Spanish, you say? Well, then that's it. Although not documented, it is said that Sir Francis Drake refused to clink his glass of calvados with Old Columbo! This may have had to do with the fact that one was dead, but heck, it was pirates in the Caribbean back then, and you know ... oh and less does it matter that the first fucking city in the territory currently know as the United States of America was St. Augustine, Florida, founded by a bunch of spick monks. Damn!

Oh and all those desperate English-speaking people who took the bangers-and-mash boat over from England to land in Plymouth because they hated their greedy, disgusting rancid-smelling fat pig of a king who dispensed with wives like he spit out peach pits inspite of all this Magna Carta crap, they were a bunch of mother fuckers also.

Y'all, half of them stayed sequestered in the Appalachians and came out with Pork BBQ and Southern twang, as well as a predilection for maudlin, melodious songs. All these idiots were followed by genocidal-crazy Germans who ended up killing a bunch of Jews (oh no! just broke Godwin's law!), lightbulb-challenged Polacks, pizza-tossing Italians and so forth, while all the peeps who used to live here were treated like shit.

And there you have it, the history of America in one fell swoop. IS IT ANY WONDER WE ARE A 231-YEAR-OLD COUNTRY? GOD BLESS AMERICA! MORE OR LESS THE SAME SHIT THAT HUMANITY HAS BEEN DOING SINCE DAY ONE IS GOING ON NOT JUST HERE BUT EVERYWHERE.

Conclusion: we are all a bunch of assholes from somewhere else and in spite of this, so many amazing people born here have made a positive dent in the history of the world. What would the earth do without the chongas from Hialeah going viral? I'm telling ya, there's hope yet!

PATRIOT PORK

Do you or don't you go for pork? This should be the international law of war. Think about it: isn't the current bellicosity divided so?

Here's what I say: cultures that cook pork should not go to war: this includes, well, everybody excepts for Jews and Muslims but pastrami and goat are fair substitutes. Damn, I ate choucroute French version of bangers and mash in Strasbourg and that was a 2,000 year old city. In fact, my first love, the Nazi, was so into lard that his grandmother tried to pass it off to me as a delicacy while we dined in Cologne. So shut the fuck up and let's have peace and break bread over the caja china, ok?

Hot tamale delivery service aint necessarily a bad thing! Want a taste of the real Tancredolandia? Visit the dangerous blonde! And do support our troops, especially if you are against the war and want peace. I don't care what you believe. Peace starts in the heart, one conversation, one letter, one person at a time.

BACK TO SEX IN MIAMI

In other news, the Miami construction bubble may be burst, but at least someone is making good use of all those cranes!

YOUR SPANGLISH LESSON

Learn all about Tiki Tiki, an indispensable Spanglish word, sort of like a tampon. Especial tanks to Guayn Kokran's hair and to Tere la mamasita mas rica!



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10 comments:

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Christ, I love that accent. You could read a phone book and I'd be turned on...especially if I was looking at your avatar at the same time.

Balou said...

Woohoo! Loved this post. "Ju" go girl! Like I told "someone" once: the only difference between your ancestors and mine is that yours got here earlier (damn us and that "Cuban time").

I bow to you, diva!

blog Portland said...

I pay plenty of thought (and money) to my local Hispanics as I pick them up from Home Depot to landscape my yard.

B. Goldenwood said...

PORK? Yummy! Nothing like a chauvinist pig in the morning. Bring on the chorizo Manola!

Manola Blablablanik said...

tank u everybodee!

portland -- you have Ho Depot yokels in Oregano? Guaw!

balou -- love ya mama!

dyck -- call 1-800-MANOLA and please be a gentleman. Use kleenex.

goldenwood -- the thought of chorizo makes me randy!

nonee moose said...

Miss M-

After this, there should be no more to be said. But alas,....

Yvette said...

I don't know why I can't seem to learn my lesson: never, never, never read Sex and the Beach while drinking, because whatever I'm drinking invariably comes spurting out of my nose, and apple cider is painful on the way out...

Dayngr said...

Suggested topics for future Spanglish Lessons:

Arroz con Mango
UUUY y Ayyy vs. OOOh and AAAH
Lonchando

ADW said...

Hee, hee. Here I am sick and at home laughing my ass off. Thanks for the guffaws.

Oh and hey, I am Spanish by NATIONALITY, not ethnicity, but still struggle to explain to people that there are hispanics (Many) that have blonde hair and green eyes. Dumbasses.

Mami Hen said...

You are my new favorite addiction. Thank you for the morning laugh in the Boonies of Tennessee, Red State and pasty-faces, you know. Pero, not for long, not for long.