Sexcrunch: Valentine's Day 2010 Edition

From the "love" series by Gaping Void.

A story without love is indeed not worth telling, and the same applies to food. At least that's how I felt when I used to be a writer for a romantic travel magazine -- I'd always end up writing about the food I ate on my Caribbean trips.

Strolls down the beach and umbrella drinks are so cliché, but exotic, local fare is always new, tantalizing the senses. I remember the smell of cinnamon wafting up from warm breezes in Grenada far more than the name of the luxury resort where I slept. I can still vividly imagine the sensation in my throat when I drank a guava, passion fruit and nutmeg rum punch in Saint Lucia -- pure creamy smoothness the likes of which I've never experienced again -- and that makes me want to return to that honeymoon suite overlooking the sea. It's too bad I was alone and not on a honeymoon ...

The sensual enjoyment of food is a tantric practice, which I already wrote about in my post "The Chocolate Meditation" over at Noshtopia. If you can savor what goes in your mouth and down your throat slowly, chances are, you're probably a better lover.

Don't treat your lover's body like that Big Mac you gobbled down before reaching the stop light in rush hour traffic. Don't flash fry your sex. Slow down and simmer your passion instead.

And now back to your regularly scheduled humor. A few lustful links ...

FLUSHED WITH LOVE

A restaurant in Canada is giving whole new meaning to the mile high club, except that this "club" is located closer to the sewer. Mildred's Temple Restaurant has always had trysts in its bathrooms and Valentine's Day should be no different:

"Have you given any thought to moving beyond the bedroom?" patrons were asked in a not-too-subtle promotional e-mail.

The individual bathrooms will be open for sexual escapades from the 12-15th February. According to the manager, Rory Gallagher, a french maid will be working the toilets, making sure everything is "going smoothly and kept clean." [Huffington Post]

I don't know about you, but this sounds more like swinger's club to me! I really don't want to hear moans and groans while I'm peeing or pooping in another stall, but I guess some freaks out there might be into that.

The real question is: which will straight or gay couples choose, Ladies or Gents? And what's more, can you imagine if they did this in South Beach? Oh wait, they already do. And the only lines you see for the bathroom are the kind folks snort.

SEX ON A PLATE

Chat Up Line by Gaping Void.

And speaking of restaurants, Himmarshee in Fort Lauderdale's lovely riverfront area won't be encouraging you to get it on in the crapper, but will potentially inspire tremendous mouthgasms. Every time I eat here, I leave feeling a little moist in the loins.

Yes, I confess, this food makes me horny, so let me bestow praise on my two favorite menu items:

Butternut Squash Purses (shitake mushrooms, pecan oil, parmesan, sage and brown butter sauce) are so good, they should be served and consumed somewhere near your lover's belly button. Every flavor explodes yet melts on the palette. It may not be sex, but eating one of these suckers is definitely oral. If you order this, please close your eyes and chew slowly.

The Porcini Braised Short Rib (served with smoked gouda mac'n cheese with crisp parma ham and spinach in onion suboise, and grilled sweet and spicy peppers), gives me a boner every time and I don't even have a penis. Himmarshee is casually elegant, but I swear, if it was a honky tonk rib joint, I'd suck that bone down like nobody's business, right in front of everybody.

Don't ask me about dessert. I've usually reenacted the orgasm scene from When Harry Met Sally by then, to the complete embarrassment of the staff.

("Sex on a Plate" borrowed from the fabulous of Jennifer Iannolo of Food Philosophy, whom I've written about before at Sex and the Beach. If you have food lust, #sexonaplate is a great hashtag to follow on Twitter.)

If you enjoy wine, a great way to sample Himmarshee's appetizers is at one of Matthew Horbund's monthly wine tastings. Follow him on Twitter @mmwine or visit A Good Time With Wine.

FOR MY SINGLE LADIES

Women Are From Venus by Gaping Void.

Ok, now that I'm with someone, I'm not going to gloat about the amazing weekend ahead of me. But I've got to tell you that El Hombre (let's call him that for now), has planned not just a dinner but a whole three days of surprises for me. Listen, I've been quite miserable and dated several worthless assholes in the last few years, so I'm going to pull a L'Oreal this time and proudly claim "because I'm worth it."

But I haven't forgotten you! This is still a woman's guide to chronic living. And no one knows "chronic living" better than my wonderful friend Stephanie, who has chosen to approach this Valentine's Day with humor and zest for life. She offers six tips, here's one of them:

Here's the beauty of solo lovemaking. You know you are going to get lucky. You are guaranteed an orgasm, and you will get exactly what you want in bed because are you going to say no to you? No way! This is a chance to make sex all about you because heaven knows many of us know what bad sex is like.

Read more of Stop Wallowing in the Snuggie at Noshtopia.