You heard it here first. In an exclusive interview, we learn that in spite of being an eccentric recluse who played with boy toys and dressed like a snob, Miami-native Perez Hilton overcame his violent nature and became the world's most successful gay gossip columnist!
Disclaimer: the above statement was written by a tabloid editor. When Manola submitted the story, the headline read: "Perez Hilton Done Good!"
As soon as we heard rumors that Perezzer's second cousin, Chacho Spillfrijolez, was willing to give us dirt, we took the first red-eye flight to Los Angeles and scheduled an interview at celebrity-infested Chateau Mounthump. With over-sized sunglasses, we arrived early to beat the throngs of paparazzi waiting for Hollywood's favorite trio of twat-flashers -- team Hilton, Lohan and Spears.
Chacho Spillfrijolez was more than happy to talk since he is a student of Manola's brother, Sensei Kawasaki Kickassez. We struck an exclusive deal -- gossip in exchange for a reprieve. "Manola," Chacho begged. "If I tell you all about Perez, will you keep your bro from breaking my nose during karate class?"
As Horatio Cane would say: "We [pause] agree. We cannot [pause and put on sunglasses] guarantee."
MANOLA: How are you related to Perez Hilton?
CHACHO SPILLFRIJOLEZ: I'm his second cousin. Well, his grandma is my mother's aunt. That makes us cousins, right? We didn't hang out all the time, but we did visit occasionally. Our families spent holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas together.
MANOLA: So when you did hang out, what was that like?
CHACHO SPILLFRIJOLEZ: We would visit his house. His whole family was really cool. He was always so quiet and introverted. He just didn't say much. Sort of kept to himself.
MANOLA: GET OUT! The Queen of All Media, quiet and introverted? NO WAY! Oh come on, surely there must've been some hint of his fantabulous persona as the world's most "devilish gossip columnist."
CHACHO SPILLFRIJOLEZ: No, not really. We were kids, so we would play around and he would show me all his toys --
MANOLA: Did they vibrate?
CHACHO SPILLFRIJOLEZ: -- Uh, no ... vibrate? I'm not sure what you mean. Actually, he had all the cool toys, well, what was cool back in the 80s. Remember? Remote control, GI Joe, action figures, anything geeky kids would like.
MANOLA: So you're saying Perez was a geek who liked macho boy toys that were battery operated?
CHACHO SPILLFRIJOLEZ: No, Manola! What are you, some kind of pervy tabloid editor looking for cheap advertorial on sex toys? They were boy toys, plain and simple.
MANOLA: I'm sure Perez wouldn't mind playing with some boy toys today, but let's stick to the facts. Boys will be boys. Did you guys ever fight?
CHACHO SPILLFRIJOLEZ: Only once. We were swimming in the pool at The Fountainbleu Hotel. He was yanking my hair and I punched him in the face.
MANOLA: Ha! Little did Perez know he'd be doing the same years later to check the quality of celebrity hair extensions. Speaking of hair, we're dyeing to know, what's Perezzelle's natural hair color?
CHACHO SPILLFRIJOLEZ: He always had light hair. I never knew him to be anything other than naturally blonde, a very light blonde.
MANOLA: I knew it! I love Perez au naturel -- almost Panderson Pooper style. Let's complete the look. What did Perezzer wear when he was a munchkin?
CHACHO SPILLFRIJOLEZ: I always saw him in preppy clothing. You know how Cuban parents dress their kids. Always well dressed. Kind of stuffy. But always presentable.
MANOLA: Perez Hilton found himself a niche and flew the coop. He praises when praise is due, but isn't afraid to throw a tomato or two when the joint genuinely stinks. Did you ever imagine that young Perez would be glimmering in the limelight? Did you ever imagine that quiet, introverted boy to be the Queen of All Media?
CHACHO SPILLFRIJOLEZ: My mom and I had lunch with him a couple of years ago. What a change! Today, he's so approachable. He's got a great personality. I would've not expected him to be so out there, but I can totally see him doing what he's doing now. Even my mom got all teary-eyed. She couldn't believe how far he'd come.
MANOLA: Chacho, there's Parrot Hilton. We'd better sneak out the back door. As you know, Manola likes to keep a low profile. Thanks for sharing your memories of Perez and I'll tell my brother to stop treating your nose like a piñata.
Photo courtesy of a great little article about Perez in Papermag.
fags: perez hilton, interview, gossip, celebrity, parody
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