Was Immaculate Conception the Original Safe Sex?
Insurance companies suck ass. Who do they think they are? The Catholic Church? Holy Mother Mary, is this what you had to deal with when you popped Jesus out in the manger? Fuckin' A! You know, that's what I call a calvary. Why didn't the three wise men bring you insurance coverage?
I pay just over $200 in health insurance each month, which is a real steal for a freelance writer, trust me. Knock on wood, I barely have to use my insurance -- no meds, but wouldn't it be lovely if they covered Belvedere
But guess what? My renewal policy, which arrived in the mail today, tells me that if I want to
"Above premiums do not include pregnancy. For maternity coverage, add $110 per month. A 15-month waiting period applies to maternity coverage."
Do you know what that means? It means I need to pay an extra $110/month and WAIT 15 months to be sperminated. Whoa! 15 months to have intercourse? Crazy!
Oy Vay Ist Mir! Love of my life and father of my child, do you hear that? So even though I haven't even met you (or perhaps I have, wink, wink), we need to talk about procreating before we do the wild thing, you see? Because you know, if we're going to have sex before the "waiting period," you'll have to wear not just the obligatory one, and not just two (gives a whole new meaning to plus one, like it?), but five fucking condoms, or at the very least saran-wrap the hell out of your wanker, plus I'm going to have to cover my cervix with sperm-killer like a Miami Beach spring breaker filling up on beer, don't ya know? My vagina might as well be like a house tented for spermites!
OMG, 15 months makes you a virgin practically all over again! I don't even know if I will be able to locate my sperminatable parts after such a waiting period. I will definitely have to get technorati to ping me, via sonar. In the meantime, I'll shave my head and move to a cave in Tibet and practice total brahmacharya.
OK, on the other hand, if I pay $1650 towards pushing a watermelon
OK, seriously. Manola has nothing against the little intrepid buggers. I guess that's why they call it family planning! But heck, I'm pushing 40, not pushing babies. Is it worth the investment to pay for a baby just in case I get sperminated by man I haven't quite met?
Well, at least my home girl Balou has got support from the entire planet. Skip the wedding directly, mamasita. Have the baby! I'll bring you frankincense, myrrh and a damn good insurance policy.
And as far as the male pill is concerned, wise James says it best: "Be careful about the extent of your hanky panky before you and yours are ready to have kids." Oh James, it's no wonder Viagra commercials cater to the post-menopausal. Insurance loves it some low-risk erections!
tags are like floating sperms: sperm, birth control, pregnancy, health insurance, pill, sex