Thursday, March 22, 2007

Breaking News! Manola Can't Afford To Be Sperminated!

manola blablablanik sex and the beach condom

Was Immaculate Conception the Original Safe Sex?

Insurance companies suck ass. Who do they think they are? The Catholic Church? Holy Mother Mary, is this what you had to deal with when you popped Jesus out in the manger? Fuckin' A! You know, that's what I call a calvary. Why didn't the three wise men bring you insurance coverage?

I pay just over $200 in health insurance each month, which is a real steal for a freelance writer, trust me. Knock on wood, I barely have to use my insurance -- no meds, but wouldn't it be lovely if they covered Belvedere Bellevue-Is-An-Insane-Asylym Vodka? I mean, why are booze and blood-sucking insurance policies labeled as premiums? Crazy!

But guess what? My renewal policy, which arrived in the mail today, tells me that if I want to fuck around knowing the ob/gyn will get paid enhance my current coverage, I'm going to have to fork over some extra dough.

"Above premiums do not include pregnancy. For maternity coverage, add $110 per month. A 15-month waiting period applies to maternity coverage."

Do you know what that means? It means I need to pay an extra $110/month and WAIT 15 months to be sperminated. Whoa! 15 months to have intercourse? Crazy!

Oy Vay Ist Mir! Love of my life and father of my child, do you hear that? So even though I haven't even met you (or perhaps I have, wink, wink), we need to talk about procreating before we do the wild thing, you see? Because you know, if we're going to have sex before the "waiting period," you'll have to wear not just the obligatory one, and not just two (gives a whole new meaning to plus one, like it?), but five fucking condoms, or at the very least saran-wrap the hell out of your wanker, plus I'm going to have to cover my cervix with sperm-killer like a Miami Beach spring breaker filling up on beer, don't ya know? My vagina might as well be like a house tented for spermites!

OMG, 15 months makes you a virgin practically all over again! I don't even know if I will be able to locate my sperminatable parts after such a waiting period. I will definitely have to get technorati to ping me, via sonar. In the meantime, I'll shave my head and move to a cave in Tibet and practice total brahmacharya.

OK, on the other hand, if I pay $1650 towards pushing a watermelon human being out of my vagina, it's a good deal, considering the valet parking at Mount Shania Twain Hospital costs $2K per minute. And aint that grand: it's like clubbing on South Beach. I'm paying all this money "just to see" if you'll let me in and I'm sure the price tag is compatible with many a club's "bottle service." Crazy!

sperm sex and the beach woody allen
Sperminators Anonymous

OK, seriously. Manola has nothing against the little intrepid buggers. I guess that's why they call it family planning! But heck, I'm pushing 40, not pushing babies. Is it worth the investment to pay for a baby just in case I get sperminated by man I haven't quite met?

Well, at least my home girl Balou has got support from the entire planet. Skip the wedding directly, mamasita. Have the baby! I'll bring you frankincense, myrrh and a damn good insurance policy.

And as far as the male pill is concerned, wise James says it best: "Be careful about the extent of your hanky panky before you and yours are ready to have kids." Oh James, it's no wonder Viagra commercials cater to the post-menopausal. Insurance loves it some low-risk erections!

tags are like floating sperms: , , , , ,


James Burnett said...

Ha ha ha ha! You crack me up. I should have added a couple of "ha's."

As a guy who has gotten false-alarm news from former girlfriends in the past, I can tell you there is no such thing as a low-risk erection.

Ann Nonymous said...

Well said! Well said! You know, if they don't want to fork out the cash for preggos, they should offer free visits to gynoland to stock up on chemical defertilization.

Verticus S. Erectus said...

God how I love the English (and you too, Ms. Blablablanik). Thanks for sharing.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

As your self-appointed sperminator, I saw we start having the sex immediately. The way I see it, it'll probably take me 15 months to finish, so it should time out perfectly.

Now whip out those tatas!

Dayngr said...

Oh but there's more from the insurance companies... Did you know that pregnancy is considered a pre-existing condition. Yeah, you read that right. So, if you are already pregnant you won't be insured for anything baby/pregnancy related. Do make sure you plan, plan ahead! Joy huh?

Amen to the skip the marriage and go straight to baby advice. I second, third and fourth it!

I got an insurance quote yesterday, it was $628 per month on the low end and $728 per month on the high end for our lovely little fam of four.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Smokin' new avatar! But I miss the bathing suit and the orange phallus.

Freckle Face Girl said...

To get around this, you just have to marry a guy who has great insurance through a company. Yes, use him for his insurance. Anyone can be added to a policy through marriage even if it is a pre-existing condition.

Of course, you can divorce him after you have the baby & get child support. :) Evil!