Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Planet Manola: Sartorial Edition

Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently. If you are easily offended, do not read on!

Since we're all going to die from swine flu, I thought I would focus on vanity in this edition of Planet Manola.

buttcrackNot even the finest, most elegant pair of shoes could undo the damage of this common South Beach fashion faux pas.


Today's Herald features an article about Donna Sozio, a self-proclaimed "shoe-ologist" who claims she can size up a man based on his shoes:

If the shoe is really clean and the stitching moves in one direction, then the person may be balanced or organized.

If the shoe has cluttered stitching, then the wearer may welcome chaos in his life.

If the shoe has long laces, then the man has boyish characteristics.

Is this for real? Well, here's my rule of thumb. Never date a man whose hair is more fabulous than yours! Let's start talking about hair. You know how important that was for Bill Gates in rescuing his marriage!

Seriously, I never think to look at a man's shoes. Does that make me a piss-poor candidate for Millionare Matchmaker? Oh Lawd! I might as well pop that can of Pabst Blue Ribbon and trim my toenails while watching Jerry Springer, right? Does this mean I'll end marrying Mr. Buttcrack? And what would Joe Plumber have to say about that?

Well, there's so much more to a man that what he puts on his feet. And besides, all the sartorial fireworks in the world aint gonna make up for a lack of personality. If he's just right in every respect but his shoes, why kick him out of bed?

For real. If he's some rich dude and is way too obsessed with his footwear, I'd be turned off. But you know, a barefoot crackhead on Biscayne Boulevard won't get me to come hither either.

So how about a happy medium? The idea behind Never Trust a Man in Alligator Loafers is definitely sound:
... her theory explains how a man's relationship with himself trickles down onto every relationship he has, which includes his relationship with shoes and his relationship with his significant other.
True, guys. If you can't take care of yourselves, how are you going to take care of us? Still, while I wouldn't want you to look quite this trashy, I'd rather you take more care of other things than your shoes.

Shoe stuff is girly stuff. Amen.

Read more here and join the forum discussion, started by Carlos Miller at 411.


New contributor at Miami Beach 411, recent northeast transplant and utterly lovely Christy, goes where no voluptuous, big-ass Cuban woman dare go: South Beach boutiques! If you wonder why South Beach is famous for its scantily clad denizens of nightclubs, it's because most dresses sold are barely larger than a maxipad and far less absorbent than a shamwow! (That's Manola talkin', not Christy.)

In her words:
There are many factors at play in our decision to wear a cocktail dress. We want to show off our tan, show off our body, and it’s hot here! We enjoy getting dressed up and looking as sizzling as our town’s nightlife. We’ll save those skinny jeans for a night out in NY, thank you very much! And most of Miami’s tourists play along. A friend of mine revealed that, to her, one of the best parts of coming to Miami is being able to wear the racy dresses that somehow accumulate in her conservative closet!
So to make the long hem short -- you guessed it -- South Beach is the place where it's ok to like a ho! We've always known this here on Planet Manola. And we also know that in South Beach, "cocktail dress" refers not to the length of your hem, but the alcoholic beverage that you will be wearing after some coked-out asshole spills your drink all over your boobs as you make your way to the bathroom.

How to get that look? Read more at A Girl's Guide to Shopping and Style in South Beach. Kudos to Christy for showing us the ropes to get inside the velvet rope! There are tons of fashion-savvy tips about different shops in the area -- from the relatively economical to the Black Amex splurge.

Now ... go buy some clothes and strut your stuff!

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