"Dear Manola 180,
I will be traveling to Miami Beach soon but I heard there is a condition called Ass Goiter going around. What the fuck is it and is it contagious?"
Dear Cheeks McGuire,
According to our medical expert Doctor Suck MyGupta, Ass Goiter is the unfortunate condition of being thin yet having a droopy ass. A droopy ass is one that is defined, according to the DSMAD (Diagonistic and Statistical Manual of Ass Disorders) as "having butt cheeks that, when not supported by artificial devices, hang below the fold in between the buttocks and the thighs."
Ass Goiter is easy to detect and does not require a medical specialist to diagnose. Stand in front of a mirror wearing boy shorts and leopard print go-go boots. Lift your arms straight above your head. If you see a mass of flesh protuding significantly below your groin, you have most likely developed the condition. See illustration below.
Ass Goiter is neither contagious nor endemic to subtropical climates. The incidence of cases tends to be higher in blonde celebrities, but evidence of this is only supported by the fact they flash their twats and butt cracks to the camera as often as they do their pearly whites.
While unslightly, Ass Goiter does not produce any symptoms or cause harm to the body. If you suspect you have Ass Goiter and it affects your self-esteem, please contact your local Ass Disorders support group.