Thursday, August 24, 2006

Breaking Condom News! Oops Pill Available!

Are you screwing around? Afraid of a tragic sperm-spill? Well, I have good news! After three-years of playing russian roulette with the fate of people who have intercourse in this country, the FDA (Fuck a Dick Administration) has finally approved non-prescription sales of Plan B pill!

For those of you who never have to worry about hormones, let's review: Plan B is basically a whopping dose of birth control in two pills taken every 12 hours. In the animal kingdom, this dosage schedule is equivalent to giving a chipmunk the same amount of hormones that would be effective in a full-grown elephant.

When taken within 72 hours of "the accident," Plan B can prevent those little guys from squishing and squirming their way into the egg. How? The egg plays hard to get. She won't come out and play.

This, I believe, is poetic justice, especially if you've just had sex with an asshole whose presence in your life you already regret!

Non-prescription pills should be available to us horny babes by the end of the year; however, it's OTC with a BTC catch. The FDA requires proof of age and a prescription for kids under 18 years of age who are doing the deed.

According to Dick Waad, leader of the Sex is Unnatural, Sex is Bad conservative lobby, this makes sense: "We want to prevent abortions and out of wedlock pregnancies in our youth. By forcing young women under 18 to wait for a doctor to actually call in a prescription, whom she may never call out of fear and shame, we are increasing her chances of pregnancy. We know that even using the letter s, e and x can lead young men and women into riotous, orgiastic states of sexual frenzy, so we have banned these letters from the alphabet indefinitely. Clearly, this will make the pill unnecessary and we see no reason why older, responsible women who practice safe sex should benefit from its availability."

Nonetheless, the current approval represents a good start toward making this pill more widely available to women of all ages who are engaging in intercourse.

What does this new development mean for sexually active women?

Well, if you are sexually active, take a pre-emptive strike. If your crappy condom breaks (you ARE using condoms, right?) go to the pharmacy as soon as this pill is available and keep it with you at all times, BEFORE the accident. Why "morning after" pill? Are you kidding me? How about right after you both look at each other in utter shock and scream OH MY GOD to high heaven? Why wait for the store to open? Why waste precious minutes driving to the store? Why add to your anxiety? As is, until you start bleeding, you're going to be a raging, ticking time bomb!


Mighty Dyckerson said...

I can't wait to see the commercials for this during the nightly news. The animated graphics should be spectacular.

James Burnett said...

I say full-body condoms are the only way to go. But don't they already have head to toe body rubber? Some kind of fetish, I think.

Michelle said...

Luckily, the good people at Planned Parenthood have been distributing the "morning after pill" for years. No parental signature or prescription required.