Abscess of Malice

What a trooper. I've been planting smooches on boys with Mc ... as a last name since childhood!

DISCLAIMER: ACTUAL QUESTION SUBMITTED BY TRUE FRIEND AND LOYAL READER. NO SCOTTISH BROGUES OR MIGHTY PENILE ORGANS WERE TOUCHED OR HARMED IN THE PROCESS.

Dear Manola 180,

The other night, I went on a date with a man that I recently met online. I thought this guy was cool, but I am a bit of a germaphobe, so you can imagine how dismayed I was to hear, during dinner, that he sees no reason to wash his hands after going to the bathroom, especially at home.

While I was contemplating what I imagined to be the various assortment of biological specimens now growing on the stem of his wine glass, my date stuck his index finger in his mouth and started to feel around his gums. The ill-mannered gesture took me so by surprise that I was totally unprepared for him to do it AGAIN. While I chattered on about who-knows-what, this fellow rooted around the inside of his mouth like he was looking for last week's lunch.

Eventually, I was so grossed out and embarrassed that I grabbed his wrist and yanked his hand out of his mouth, muttering, "Please STOP that."

He looked at me with sad puppy eyes, and I had to explain to him that it was very impolite to have one's fingers in one's mouth, nose, or ears at the dinner table and the only appropriate place to do such things was in the men's room. And then I remembered his unwashed hands and began to dry heave. The kicker was his explanation: he was only trying to feel an abscess in his mouth. Oh, goodie. Just in time for dessert!

Please tell me how I should have handled that situation.
Sincerely,
Grossed, Point Blank

Dear Grossed, Point Blank:

As the great poet William Shakespeare once wrote: Feeling one's abscess is such sweet sorrow.

You know, reactions to such questions are spermtacular. What say you hit this man on the head with your fragile imported glass in which your martini was served, or better yet -- beat him with lashings of adverbial impropriety with words spelled starting with the letter "f" and "a" ... or let's be lady like, as we are wont to do -- you probably did the right thing -- hopefully, NOTHING AT ALL.

Ha ha ha, look at that, is there a chunk of filet mignon trapped in your chops, date? I have an ice pick in my purse. Want to borrow? Stop abscessing! I mean even Manny's Right Testicle is coated with protective silicon, what gives? What's up with the confit-appropriating properties of your pearly whites?

MEN ARE FULL OF SPERM AND OTHER HARSH REALITIES

Same thing goes for you, girl. If you are a germaphobe I highly recommend not dating. Men will always give us pleasure and cooties all at once. Men are full of sperm. Not only that, they piss and take shits and burp and are generally super gross and smelly, plus hairy. I love them still, but you know what I mean?

I really wish that men would be perfectly cootie-free, but then again, the slightly slobbering kisses of humans with Scottish brogues have recently reminded me of the universal search for a holy grail.

My point is: sex is wet, mushy and involves sharing germs, no matter how you paint it, babe. Oh and there might even be some emotional intelligence involved. Crap. And we love it, don't we? More crap. Crapola!

MANOLAENTOLOGY PURIFICATION PROCEDURE

We turned on our Oujia Board to contact Sigmund Freud for consulation. Siggy darling told us that "whenever a man tools around in his own mouth, he's clearly sublimating yet expressing his desire to probe a vagina."

Now, darlin, as far as I'm concerned, you know if the aim of all life is death sex, there's no better way to turn a woman on to her philosophically implicated spread eagle ways than a finger on the abscess. Wow, you know, next time you look at a man, if he's not fingering some mushy, microbial, infected part of his mouth for morbid pleasure, what else can you expect of him? On the other hand -- oops! sorry choice of words -- let's hope that at least he's reaching you in some way, and hopefully, in a good one.

Oh Gross Point Blank, I wish I had a better answer for you, but the muck is reality. What we gonna do?

tags: manola 180, relationships, advice, humor