Saturday, January 19, 2008

Chancleta: Cooking with Cojones

Professor Chancleta drops the Hialeah accent to help a friend from the northeast learn a few basic words in Spanish.

"I feel like little red riding hood ... I wish the big bad wolf would visit me at night. Eh, he's such a wuss!"

"Everything is so freakin' complicated with Cubans ... when you say to a Cuban 'I'm going to give you a cracker' you could also be saying 'I'm going to bitch-slap the shit out of you' ... it's all about context."

"When Cubans eat a banana, they are reminded of the bloody, money-greedy history of colonialism, when plantation owners brought slaves from the country of Guinea."

"If you are in fact referring to testicles, use the word COJONES."

"Spanish-Cuban people put chorizo in EVERYTHING. I don't care if it's a birthday cake!"

It's all about the paprika ... and that sliced chorizo? NOT a Lorena Bobbit moment, ok?

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Friday, January 04, 2008

Cold Weather Crisis in Florida!!!

It was very cold in Miami during the past couple of days. Cold trumps everything for us tropical creatures, zOMG! I mean even the iguana that lives in the tree behind my apartment died! It was floating in the Biscayne Waterway, so sad! Plus, there was free frozen gator meat festival in the Everglades all weekend. Oy! Let's not even talk about citrus fruit and such. This was one hell of a cold front. It even snowed in Daytona, typically the land of hot rods and loud carburetors. Do you think Julia Tuttle could've pulled the wool over Henry Flagler's eyes with this one? Julia Tuttle, the founding "mama" of Miami, sent Flagler orange blossoms as proof we do not have freezes down here, just to encourage him to extend the railroad down to our hot, sticky swamp. Julia, was that a well-intentioned fib?

In any case, the cold seems to be passing. Looking forward to the disgusting sweltering subtropical heat we all know and love very soon. And to think that I wanted to go to Buffalo for college! I could've gotten a degree in hypothermia!

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