"Dear Manola 180: We're here in Fargo, North Dakota, waiting for the planet to thaw and the only outdoor sex possible involves my frigid clit AND my husband's freeze-dried hemorroids. We'd like to go to Miami Beach and have sex IN the water, hoping to defrost, but we're still saving up for vacation. Do you have a recipe for that cocktail, Sex ON the Beach, to help us stimulate our hibernating libidos? We haven't seen flesh since last summer. Any suggestions? -- Mrs. Yah."
Dear Mrs. Yah,
You hit it right on the nut! Sex, grammar and cocktails are important details for Manola 180. No matter how you write it, say it, slice it, stir it, shake it or mix it, baby, having sex ON the beach is not the same as drinking a sex ON the beach.
ON and IN are prepositions. AND is a conjunction. In latin, the word for sentence is copula. Who knew grammar could be sexy?
Getting back to cocktails, dear Mrs. Yah, don't be fooled by that disgusting, goopy, soppy, mawkish, maudlin and saccharine beverage that makes a Shirley Temple taste like grain alcohol mixed with cherry coke.
No, no and NO! The traditional sex ON the beach is like corn syrup mixed with moonshine -- IF. Manola would rather offer you a warm Pabst Blue Ribbon before claiming that she'd even take a sip of such a heinous excuse for a cocktail (see flipflop notes, below).
the official sex AND the beach cocktail
(mixed with a lot of LOVE in an ice-filled shaker to be poured in a chilled martini glass)
3 part absolut citron
1/2 part absolut peppar (or to taste, Manola likes it spicy)
couple of splashes of orange juice
few drops of angostura bitters
1/2 packet of stevia
garnish with orange and lime slices
suggested nibbles for the Manolatini:
•brie and apples baked in phyllo dough, drizzled with honey
•freshly-made tapenade served on crusty french bread
•antipasto of andouille sausage, roasted red peppers, cabrales cheese
Additional and related questions about drinking and having sex in South Beach!Dear Manola 180, can you recommend a cheap place for drinking on South Beach?
Darling, no, I can't, unless your wallet is a mutant cross between the personal expense accounts of Paris Hilton and Donald Trump. However, I can suggest the following: when on South Beach, no matter where you go, never, EVER ask for a mixed cocktail, unless you have slept with the bartender and expect quality OR can afford to pay an arm, leg, fake eyelash and silicon-filled boob for a drink.
Keep it plain and simple. A glass of wine, a bottled beer or a plain martini. Sure, you'll still be paying more for your drink than an appointment at the proctologist, but at least you know what you're getting.
(If you do ask for a Manolatini, print this post and show it to the bartender.)Dear Manola 180, I've heard about this famous tropical drink involving MOJO. Is that a voodoo potion?
No, no and NO. A mojito is the tropical version of a mint julep. When on South Beach, don't you even dare go to Mango's on Ocean Drive. Well go, every tourist deserves to experience a completely stereotypical, artificial and gaudy simulation of what it means to party in Cuban -- at least once.
Do keep the following in mind, however: THE BEST MOJITO ON THE PLANET was made by Rolando -- world's hottest Cuban and most well-coiffed bartender -- who used to work at Condal and Peñamil, the now over-commercialized and over-priced cigar bar on Lincoln Road.
(Back in the day, a mojito would cost about $6 and Rolando made it with love. OH ROLANDO! This hunk of burning rum was head bartender indoors, but he would personally come outside to greet Manola. And to think, she never even slept with him! Now, that my friends, is true service from a real gentleman!)
If you can help it, never order a mojito unless it's from Manola or Rolando, ok? And if anyone has had a Rolando sighting lately, please inform the staff at Manola 180!
A good alternative: buy the ingredients and make it a picnic activity on the beach. Riviera Liquors off of 24th and Collins could be a good start. Good beach access. Parking free after 6 PM.
the official SATB Mojito: the ManolaMoJo
The only low-carb alternative to diabetic-coma-inducing offering at South Beach over-priced bars: muddle stevia and fresh mint leaves. Mix white rum (Bacardi) and shake. Top with a splash of tonic or club soda. Serve garnished with mint leaves in a low high-ball glass with mint. Watch the sun set, the moon rise and your inhibitions melt.
suggested nibbles for the ManolaMoJo
•fried plantains with cilantro mayoOK, Manola 180, after the drinks, I'm going to be consumed by wild passion for my lover and the desire to express this love near the Atlantic Ocean. Pray tell, where are the more appropriate spots where I can dispense of such emotion and female ejaculate?
Best areas of Miami Beach to consummate your marriage, love affair, or one night stand: anywhere north of 21st street and Collins, especially under a full moon. Just make sure you do the deed in between high and low tide. Don't mind the female ejaculate, it washes off with the waves.
Nota Bene: Avoid the TeePee huts at Nikki Beach Club. Not only must you pay an exorbitant cover charge for over-priced drinks, the bouncer will also expect a tip each time you have an orgasm.
Dear Manola 180, now that I know where to have sex on the beach, any advice?
Bring a large towel or blanket, if planning ahead. It's itchy and scratchy, especially on low tide. Sand in your crotch, annoying gnats, broken glass and seaweed. However, your man's nuts will be exfoliated to a lovely sheen. But HEY! Seriously, if you're having happy, spontaneous and lusty sex on the beach, who cares? You can wash off later. A good aloe and oatmeal moisturizer should take care of any post-beach sex itch, especially if your lover slathers it all over your ass. And you can return the favor. Does a couple good -- survival techniques after a good romp on the sand!Dear Manola 180, how about actually have sex IN the beach?
Sex IN the beach? Well, that's a calculated risk. Some staff members of SATB have sworn by affidavit that making love in the bioluminscent waters of the Atlantic is nothing short of magic. Do keep in mind, however, that late at night, critters such as hammerhead sharks (in season), sharp-toothed barracudas and snappy jaw'd snook (regulars) are roaming the shallows looking for dinner. But then again, if you're drunk, fucking and happy, who cares?Dear Manola 180, what are you last words of advice for Mrs. Yah from Fargo?
Mrs. Yah, two simple phrases to help you enjoy our beaches and yet keep you caveat emptor: don't drink anything sugary, don't drink and drive, but do wear sunscreen, stay out of the sun between 10 AM and 2 PM (prime cancer hours), practice safe sex and to keep things interesting -- avoid a mattress at all costs. (Unless you're at BED, of course.) You'll do fine and you'll be the envy of the folks in Fargo.