Sexcrunch: Valentine's Day 2010 Edition

From the "love" series by Gaping Void.

A story without love is indeed not worth telling, and the same applies to food. At least that's how I felt when I used to be a writer for a romantic travel magazine -- I'd always end up writing about the food I ate on my Caribbean trips.

Strolls down the beach and umbrella drinks are so cliché, but exotic, local fare is always new, tantalizing the senses. I remember the smell of cinnamon wafting up from warm breezes in Grenada far more than the name of the luxury resort where I slept. I can still vividly imagine the sensation in my throat when I drank a guava, passion fruit and nutmeg rum punch in Saint Lucia -- pure creamy smoothness the likes of which I've never experienced again -- and that makes me want to return to that honeymoon suite overlooking the sea. It's too bad I was alone and not on a honeymoon ...

The sensual enjoyment of food is a tantric practice, which I already wrote about in my post "The Chocolate Meditation" over at Noshtopia. If you can savor what goes in your mouth and down your throat slowly, chances are, you're probably a better lover.

Don't treat your lover's body like that Big Mac you gobbled down before reaching the stop light in rush hour traffic. Don't flash fry your sex. Slow down and simmer your passion instead.

And now back to your regularly scheduled humor. A few lustful links ...

FLUSHED WITH LOVE

A restaurant in Canada is giving whole new meaning to the mile high club, except that this "club" is located closer to the sewer. Mildred's Temple Restaurant has always had trysts in its bathrooms and Valentine's Day should be no different:

"Have you given any thought to moving beyond the bedroom?" patrons were asked in a not-too-subtle promotional e-mail.

The individual bathrooms will be open for sexual escapades from the 12-15th February. According to the manager, Rory Gallagher, a french maid will be working the toilets, making sure everything is "going smoothly and kept clean." [Huffington Post]

I don't know about you, but this sounds more like swinger's club to me! I really don't want to hear moans and groans while I'm peeing or pooping in another stall, but I guess some freaks out there might be into that.

The real question is: which will straight or gay couples choose, Ladies or Gents? And what's more, can you imagine if they did this in South Beach? Oh wait, they already do. And the only lines you see for the bathroom are the kind folks snort.

SEX ON A PLATE

Chat Up Line by Gaping Void.

And speaking of restaurants, Himmarshee in Fort Lauderdale's lovely riverfront area won't be encouraging you to get it on in the crapper, but will potentially inspire tremendous mouthgasms. Every time I eat here, I leave feeling a little moist in the loins.

Yes, I confess, this food makes me horny, so let me bestow praise on my two favorite menu items:

Butternut Squash Purses (shitake mushrooms, pecan oil, parmesan, sage and brown butter sauce) are so good, they should be served and consumed somewhere near your lover's belly button. Every flavor explodes yet melts on the palette. It may not be sex, but eating one of these suckers is definitely oral. If you order this, please close your eyes and chew slowly.

The Porcini Braised Short Rib (served with smoked gouda mac'n cheese with crisp parma ham and spinach in onion suboise, and grilled sweet and spicy peppers), gives me a boner every time and I don't even have a penis. Himmarshee is casually elegant, but I swear, if it was a honky tonk rib joint, I'd suck that bone down like nobody's business, right in front of everybody.

Don't ask me about dessert. I've usually reenacted the orgasm scene from When Harry Met Sally by then, to the complete embarrassment of the staff.

("Sex on a Plate" borrowed from the fabulous of Jennifer Iannolo of Food Philosophy, whom I've written about before at Sex and the Beach. If you have food lust, #sexonaplate is a great hashtag to follow on Twitter.)

If you enjoy wine, a great way to sample Himmarshee's appetizers is at one of Matthew Horbund's monthly wine tastings. Follow him on Twitter @mmwine or visit A Good Time With Wine.

FOR MY SINGLE LADIES

Women Are From Venus by Gaping Void.

Ok, now that I'm with someone, I'm not going to gloat about the amazing weekend ahead of me. But I've got to tell you that El Hombre (let's call him that for now), has planned not just a dinner but a whole three days of surprises for me. Listen, I've been quite miserable and dated several worthless assholes in the last few years, so I'm going to pull a L'Oreal this time and proudly claim "because I'm worth it."

But I haven't forgotten you! This is still a woman's guide to chronic living. And no one knows "chronic living" better than my wonderful friend Stephanie, who has chosen to approach this Valentine's Day with humor and zest for life. She offers six tips, here's one of them:

Here's the beauty of solo lovemaking. You know you are going to get lucky. You are guaranteed an orgasm, and you will get exactly what you want in bed because are you going to say no to you? No way! This is a chance to make sex all about you because heaven knows many of us know what bad sex is like.

Read more of Stop Wallowing in the Snuggie at Noshtopia.

Sexcrunch: Fat People Booted From Dating Website

Big Brother is watching your waistline. Or at least the all-seeing community at Beautifulpeople.com, which recently banished 5,000 fatties to ugly land for posting pictures that revealed a bit too much of holiday pudge.

Even though it sounds like a publicity stunt from a would-be Eugenics Society, that's exactly what happened, according to various sources.

From Mashable:

Those holding the reins blame members’ holiday overindulgences for their harsh actions and have been notifying former members via e-mail of their expulsion. Of course, all is not lost; should those same members get fit again, they can reapply for membership.

And Techrunch:

The social network, which prides itself in not letting ‘ugly’ people enter the site, claims these users had it coming by putting pictures of themselves celebrating during the holiday season, revealing that they ‘may have let themselves go’. The company also says ‘vigilant members, who take pride in the standards demanded by the site, called for action’.

In an exclusive interview, Sexcrunch got the down-low from Beautifulpeople.com consulting relationships coach, Dr. Dandy Dickfrost.

"Fat and ugly people pose a serious threat to the tender sensibilities of beautiful, sexy people," said Dr. Dickfrost. "One of our members was hospitalized for a severe panic attack after he discovered his date had a tiny patch of cellulite on her left buttock. He's still in recovery from the shock."

In our endless search for fair and unbiased reporting, Sexcrunch asked its resident medical consultant, Dr. Suck Mygupta, for a second opinion.

"Apparently, Dr. Dickfrost is not aware that most of the civilized world is fat and ugly and yet most manage to hook up, get it on and live happily ever after," he explained. "The truth is, relationships based on pure narcissism never succeed."

But in vapid universe, the matter is grave -- criminal, even. More important than world hunger and homeless polar bears.

"These gluttonous slobs who put on a pound or two over Christmas for eating grandma's cookies deserve to wallow in a pit of loneliness and despair for the rest of their lives," Dr. Dickfrost admonished.

"Frankly, it should be a federal crime to offend the eyesight of our perfect clients. What little pride they have, they invest all of it in their looks. Some of them even step on the scale after shaving just to see if it makes a difference. Only these people deserve to go out on dates."

Sexcrunch: Breaking News! Super Sperm Invading Planet!

All the news that's fit for bed, served between the sheets. Don't ever say you aren't getting any!

Image courtesy of from Stacy Lynn Baum on Flickr.

Sperm has been active in the news lately, which, of course, has spawned a wave of critical thinking worthy of a new blog post here at Sex and the Beach. To start with, Discovery News has just published a story on a study, Sperm Travels Faster Toward Attractive Females:

The study, conducted on red junglefowl, a director ancestor of chickens, adds to the growing body of evidence that males throughout many promiscuous species in the animal kingdom, including humans, can mate with many females, but chances of fertilization are greater when the female is deemed to be attractive. . . .

The mechanism behind this remains a mystery for now, but the scientists have an intriguing theory.

"Males may alter the velocity of sperm they allocate to copulations by strategically firing their left and right ejaculatory ducts, which can operate independently," they explained.

Stimulation from sexy, attractive females, therefore, leads to the double firing.

Now, if you can suspend disbelief for a moment (after all, this "speed factor" was observed in fowl, not humans!), let's pretend that the same were true for humans. This begs many questions!

Discuss:

Does Michael Phelps' sperm swim faster?

Guys like to go fast but hate asking for directions. Is the same true of sperm? What is the point of going fast if you don't know where you're going?

If a dude has a really long schlong, does it matter how fast his sperm travels? Would a dude with Lamborghini-speed sperm and a short dick get better results?

If you are a sperm and are going really fast, do you get a concussion if you hit the domed end of a condom?

If you're a German guy screwing someone whom you think is beautiful, does your sperm think it's on the autobahn? Does it automatically slow down to 20 mph if Helga is dowdy?

What if a dude is wearing beer goggles at 3 am. Does he "fake" his sperm into going faster? What is the mind-body neurological connection between "deemed attractiveness" and sperm velocity?

Does sperm velocity differ if a guy is jerking off to his favorite porn star? Is an actual vagina required for fast firing?

Also, does sperm travel just as fast in gay encounters where nary a sperm shall meet an egg?

And OMG, what if a dude is diphallic? Does he pick and choose his squirter?

What is the speed limit, if any, inside a woman's vagina? Do we measure sperm speed as in 0 to 60 in 1 millimeter?

What about intrauterine speeding tickets? Does this apply if you are a husband in Pinecrest cheating on your wife with the maid?

How come NASCAR hasn't gotten into this?

PUBLIC SWIMMING POOLS: THE NEW CURE TO INFERTILITY

And just when we thought it was really hard to get pregnant ...

Local reporter and blogger James Burnett has put in his own two cents on an unbelievable tale of the little sperm that could! In his recent blog post, he mentions a case of seminal litigiousness that makes me wonder why Javier Bardem's sperm hasn't magically impregnated me just by the mere fact that I think about him when I touch myself!

Magdalena Kwiatkowska and her 13-year-old daughter recently vacationed in Egypt. When they returned home, the daughter told Kwiatkowska that she was pregnant. But Kwiatkowska says her daughter didn't meet boys on the trip, so the girl must've been the victim of "stray sperm" in the hotel pool.

Holy shit, here I am 41 years old and my biological clock has about 2 seconds left. What's in the water in Egypt? Maybe I should vacation there! And please ... stray sperm, huh? Boy, all those stray sperms out there ... can we put them in a shelter and hope they get adopted?

So the mom is suing the hotel, not the father, mind you, and not even the sperm itself! I think she should sue the offending sperm, because it's not some jackass's fault if he jerked off in the pool, and that his microscopic, DNA bearing, Speedy Gonzalez evolutionary advanced cum made it past bathing suit reinforced crotch-fabric, squeezed through the cervix and implanted itself into the egg of a virgin woman.

Seriously.

I guess the "his penis accidentally slipped into my vagina" defense isn't going to fly well by mama. And to think, the accidental penis-slip happens ALL THE TIME in South Beach, even outside the water. Tsk, tsk. Miracle baby, indeed. I wonder if its face will appear on a grilled cheese sandwich.

Can't wait to see what the judge says about this one.

Sperm sign image courtesy of Mayu ;P on Flickr.

Sexcrunch: Holy Sex! Plus, Wanking Off For A Good Cause

All the news that's fit for bed, served between the sheets. Don't ever say you aren't getting any!


WHAT A CUTIE!

Oops! The handsome and dashing Father Alberto Cutié, a local "celebrity" priest, was caught by paparrazi in flagrante with an adult female lover. Why didn't anyone smell this coming a mile away? For Christ's sake, look at the man! Even my old Cuban mother lusts after him! What healthy woman wouldn't want to stick out her tongue to receive a wafer of grace and the promise of eternal life from this hunk? Talk about burning bush, man!

Seriously, I can't believe the Catholic Church would get its papal robes in a twist over this, what with all the sexual abuse cases of minors under its belt. I don't personally know Father Albert (or the Albert formerly known as Father), but I know people who know him, and I do know he is a well-respected spiritual leader in our community, plus he had a Spanish-language relationships advice column in El Nuevo Herald, which I've read. How groovy is that? The advice he gave was always sound, compassionate, modern and relevant -- never judgemental, never fire and brimstone.

I hope he will continue to serve as a spiritual leader, even if he has broken his vows of celibacy. I understand that a vow is a vow -- a discipline and a practice that you choose when you follow a certain path. Catholic priests are not the only religious people in the world who take such vows. The yogis call it bramacharya.

But we're all human, after all. I don't think we should judge this man for an earthly discipline he has broken (it's between himself and his conscience now); perhaps we should admire him for all the good work he has done, in spite of this. And perhaps, what with all the advice he has already offered, as a "regular" man he may make an even better and more trustworthy crusader for healthy relationships. Whatever happens, I just hope it isn't another Thorn Birds.

And as the bible says: Who shall cast the first thong?

Full story at Miami Herald. Discuss more at Miami Beach 411.

TO ERR IS HUMAN, TO WANK OFF IS DIVINE

What is celibacy anyway? Does masturbation violate that vow? Masturbation is the safest, healthiest form of a sex a person can enjoy. Just think of it - it's like the pleasures of a one-night stand, with the benefits of a full-time committed, monogamous relationship. And you can't really cheat, can you? Has anyone ever said to themselves: "I'm going to break up with you. Our sex life is too boring."

The folks San Francisco's Center for Sex and Culture know this, which is why they organized the annual Masturbate-a-thon on May 2nd.

Apparently, some new records were set:

New World Record - Men's time record of 9:33 hrs broken by the previous record holder Mr. Masanobu Sato now set at 9 hours and 58 minutes.

New United States - Men's distance record held by (nom de plume) Mr. Flint Greasewood - 5 feet 4 inches.

Hey, why not wank-off for a good cause? Here's the mission statement: ". . . to provide judgment-free education, cultural events, a library/media archive, and other resources to audiences across the sexual and gender spectrum; and to research and disseminate factual information, framing and informing issues of public policy and public health."

"Judgement-free education," aint that the truth! Priest or otherwise -- the worst enemy is not sex, but the lack of education about sex. We could use an organization like this in Miami, too.

And speaking of ... if you're out there for good information, don't forget to check out Scarlateen, a website devoted to sex education for young adults and teens.

PUT OUT BUT HOLD BACK

My blogger buddy and colleague Matt Meltzer wants to know what you men think about to avoid premature blast-off from mission control. Guys: What do You Think About so You Don’t “Finish” Too Fast? Go proffer you advice, which can be anonymous.

Sexcrunch: Of Grooves, Gaits, Ohs and Moans

All the news that's fit for bed, served between the sheets. Don't ever say you aren't getting any!


Guys, are you having trouble keeping your woman happy in bed? Maybe it's not you! No, no ... it couldn't possibly be you, darling. Or even her, for that matter. Good grief, don't you have a good, decent co-dependent bone in your body? Blame it all on the damn bed!

You see, my dear, you need The Groove, a $10K bed that will turn even the most timid Tiny Tim into a tremendous Trojan Titan -- all on the flick of a switch.

Pop-styled and built for play, it features a 150-watt sound system with speakers that pulsate to whatever music you're playing, two powerful massage systems (one for you, one for her) with 12 programs and an automatic shut-down feature, and smooth, fast, quiet motors that can custom contour the mattress into a variety of positions. (Getting her into a variety of positions is up to you.)

-- The Bachelor Guy

Baby, we don't want a 150 watt sound system. We want:

... a 150 watt VIBRATOR!!!

... two powerful massages systems: one that keeps us relaxed and you from farting, burping and snoring after sex!

... an automatic asshole shutdown feature!

... a mattress that can contour to a variety of features, including our premenstrual bloating, aka, the proverbial 'fail whale' of the boudoir!

Ok, it does sound exciting, but also so lame, when it comes down to save-me-from-the-Titanic-disaster-brass-tacks. In some ways, it's the equivalent of my-Lambo-equals-my-penis school of sexual technique. The only thing that's missing from this bed is the tires on a Low Rider.

Ladies, here are some red flags before purchasing this product. Is 'hot lover' included, batteries extra? And besides, if you walk into a bachelor pad where this bed is a centerpiece, wouldn't you consider pulling out the anti-other-woman-cootie-spray? Actually it has a rather Kubrikesque Clockwork Orange look that I find mildly disturbing, white pantsuits and black bowler hats not included.

Oh, but I'm not being fair. The products this bed company offers sound really groovy if what you want is a bed where you can relax after a decent romp on the floor. I'm actually liking the other beds they're selling. Guys ... a bed is a sacred thing, but you have to be able to the deed sacredly, even without the geek-friendly gadget bed, k?

And Hollandia, if you really want to have a big hit, manufacture the Orgasmatron! I'm sure it'll be a big hit in Wallmart. [Via The Bachelor Guy]

ARE YOU STRUTTING YOUR OOOOOOOOOs?

Are you fucking kidding me? ORLLY? Apparently the length of my stride, which is somewhere in between a poached escargot and a foot-bound 90 year-old Chinese woman (unless I'm dancing tango, of course), is the marker for my level of sexual satisfaction.

A new study found that trained sexologists could infer a woman's history of vaginal orgasm by observing the way she walks. The study is published in the September 2008 issue of The Journal of Sexual Medicine.

Who knew it could be so simple, people! Don't you just love scientific research? 'Cause you know that old term "spring in your step" meant nothin' until now!

Please do note that the researchers behind this are Scottish and Belgian and that Scotland and Belgium happen to be purveyors of some of the best scotch and best brew the world over. Just sayin' ...

Research has linked vaginal orgasm to better mental health.

OMFG! ORLLY? I am so astonished about this! Who knew? A vaginal orgasm, no less! Freud, are you proud? Let's not talk about that little clitoral orgasm, always annoying and getting in the way! Oh no ...

Actually, these guys do have something of a point. The ancient yogis knew this ... it's called your root chakra. If it aint happenin' down there, it gets all blocked up and fucks up the rest of your physical, mental and spiritual being.

In less esoteric terms, we can look at this phenomenon of the wide woman's gait as the body language of someone who has much confidence, but must it rest on the fact of a vaginal orgasm?

And what if, God forbid, his lovin' made it hard for a woman to walk afterwards? And what's more, every woman, even if she's too sexy strutting her stuff for the catwalk, has the God-given talent to fake it in bed.

And did we really need a scientific study for this? And what if you happen to be a professional lambada dancer? Does loose hips and long stride automatically make you orgasm-prone or something? Or could this be the way that some lascivious honkies perceive some juicy latinas? Maybe White Dade, who has recently come back from the dead, should chime in. [Via Truemors]

Sexcrunch: Looking for Sex in All the Right Spaces

All the news that's fit for bed, served between the sheets. Don't ever say you aren't getting any!

Photo by the fabulous Miami Fever

MORE THAN JUST A PITY FUCK

Sexual Healing, an article by Michael J. Mooney at Broward/Palm Beach New Times touches on the emotional side of sexuality. If you really think about it, how many of us aren't in need of the right healing touch? It's no wonder there is only one certified sexual surrogate in the state of Florida. Most people think of sex as something that's supposed to happen a priori, naturally -- a given. But the truth is, we get degrees in all kinds of vocations and yet very few of us actually practice the art of sex, which should be so deeply integrated into our lives as spiritual beings. Caught up in our daily, stressed out, internet lives, many of us have lost touch. Yes, simply touch. And that's why a full grown man can break down in the most innocuous of circumstances:

He extended his hands to her body. First to her hands and arms, then her shoulders and stomach, and soon her breasts. As his hands moved over Catherine's soapy body, he gulped. His eyes turned glassy. His hands shook. He felt a twisting deep in his chest.

Soon it was too much for him. The merchant marine was overwhelmed by the experience. He began sobbing.

While part of me thinks this would be a really fucked up career choice, I can't help but think this woman is doing a few people a healthy favor.

SPACE: THE FINAL FRONTIER

Oh yeah, just when you thought getting laid in gravity-laden earth was a challenge, some scientists are worried about astronauts who may be forsaking sex while in orbit. Oh, give me a break! If I'm traveling to Mars, sex is just not going to be a basic human need like water, food and waste disposal. Nevertheless, I applaud the dudes for thinking about the naughty stuff. After all, floating around in closed quarters may make you horny. And I'm sure that someone has done the nasty up in space. Russians? Americans? Anyone?

FOREPLAY IS FOREMOST!

Well, whether you are bound to the planet or flying in the 100-mile club, I do hope you'll make the best of your God-given ability to kiss. Dr. Marty Klein at Empowher talks about the art of kissing. And ya know, he's gotta point! As my favorite sex therapist/philosopher once said: "Women are like crock pots. Go slow."

So, there is something about kissing that is really, really intimate and I think what it is that kissing takes place up here where we think we live as opposed to intercourse taking place down there which we can have some sort of psychological distance from.

Even though Dr. Klein ended his run-on sentence with a preposition (granted, it's a transcription), I must agree, kissing is pretty much a real litmus test of someone's ability to focus on sex. If a guy can't stop and smell the roses for a few minutes -- er, I mean, stop and let his tongue linger in your mouth (or elsewhere) -- without concentrating his mental energy on so many other things, well then, you've got an intimacy issue. Actually, it's true for everyone. The bottom line is that kissing is a good test for ADD. Multitasking in bed only works if you're multitasking for your partner's pleasure. I say, in this case, a kiss isn't just a kiss, but a foretelling of things to come -- or not.

Next time you kiss someone, pay attention to the energy behind the kiss. Is that person really present and kissing you? Don't you just know if they're faking it?

Wii SEX

Maybe the next level substitute for a real human being surrogate is an electronic one. Hey, don't knock it. It might help a few people work through their challenges.

Sexcrunch: If These Holes Could Talk

All the news that's fit for bed, served between the sheets. Don't ever say you aren't getting any!

Yay! Miami has sexist clubs! To see some real hardcore pussy, scroll down. Photo by Ade Peever.

These Butts Were Made for Walkin' ...

... well, sort of. A pensioner in Germany went in for leg surgery and got a refurbished bunghole instead. Clearly, someone at that hospital wasn't anal retentive enough about surgery scheduling, so our medical correspondent Dr. Suckmy Gupta just had to get to the bottom of this case. In an exclusive interview, he asked surgeon Herr Doktor Feindass if he knew the difference between chronic incontinence and incompetence. "Well, the old woman's sphincter was loose and a little worn around the edges," said Herr Doktor Feindass. "Face-to-face with a fresh, tight anus, I would've known right away that she was the wrong patient."

Apparently, Herr Doktor Feindass hasn't looked in a mirror lately! With that kind of medical care, I suppose we should be grateful there are only so many orifices on the human body!

As for the patient, she was feeling very uptight. "I'd just like to get my leg fixed, " she told Dr. Gupta. "I want to leave it all behind me."

Interestingly, on South Beach getting a tight new sphincter might be called a fortuitous event, followed (of course) by a fresh application of anal bleach. [Via Fox News]

Miami Mental Cases Get Purrfect Help

Speaking of medics, Miami New Times' sex and relationships advice blogger Magic City Kitty has been meowing some sense into the addled brains of our local lovelorn. Dr. Annie Steelclit, Sex and the Beach's own resident sex and relationships expert -- whose lifelong mission has been to get Bill Gates laid -- recently reviewed Kitty's refreshing, no-nonsense posts. "Kitty's choice words and sharp wit could make a sailor cry," explained the eminent therapist. "What's more, read the hilarious questions; this alone is extremely therapeutic. Once you realize how emotionally fucked up and sexually depraved your fellow Miamians really are, you feel a lot better about your own humble hang ups."

To Clit or Not to Clit

And speaking of pussies ...

"Women who experience vaginal orgasms may have thicker tissue between their urethra and vagina, which could be the G-Spot."

See, I told you you'd find hardcore pussy if you scrolled down!

We like technology -- especially technology the sole purpose of which is to help us women get our freak on. An interesting article at New Scientist covers a study that examined the presence or lack of a G-Spot in women's urethrovaginal space. The holy grail of vaginal orgasms is apparently hard to find with or without some proto-British king pounding his Excalibur into you!

Imagine the day when you can take a simple OTC home test to find out if you're down one clit, one g-spot to go. Results negative? Then imagine the ensuing conversation: "Well, honey, (sob) now you don't have to try so hard (sob) ... I'm missing a G-Spot."

I don't know about you, but I think I'd rather keep 'em guessing!

tags: sexcrunch, sexist, orgasm, clitoris

Sexcrunch: Oy! Panties and His Royal Member

All the news that's fit for bed, served between the sheets. Don't ever say you aren't getting any!

Photo by the always fantabulous Miami Fever.

Oy ...

In the "no shit, Sherlock" school of science and philosophy, Reuters reports that people who have sex might have more sex and because they're actually doing things that involve sex, there may be problems associated with sexual activity. Look it, I took chemistry in high school. I also may have swapped spit with my high school sweetheart. There were chemical reactions ... I get it!

OK, I'm dripping with facetiousness, but factor in there a drop of truth, buddy. Sex is a normal, human thing. Abstinence-only sex education is like telling a dog to get all soy on you all of a sudden. Realistic? Tell a barking quadruped to not eat sirloin or chew on a T-bone and what do you expect? Wise up and make it real!

More Oy ...

Pittsburgh attorney Todd Hollis is sick and tired of all the bitching over at dontdatehimgirl.com, owned by South Florida local Tasha Cunningham. He couldn't get justice in Pennsylvania because of a jurisdiction issue, but is hoping that reviving the lawsuit in Miami will deliver $75,000 in damages.

Oy vay, this makes me crazy!

So, call me crazy. Playing devil's advocate here.

OK, the guy is pissed off because some women have said stupid shit about him, but it is what it is. Women gossiping about their asshole ex-boyfriends are going to rip them a new one. Obviously, you weren't labeled Prince Charming for a reason. But ...

Call me even crazier -- despite the web site's claim that it's supposed to empower women, a cause I support, of course -- ". . . build your self-esteem, find true love and empower yourself to become the powerful woman you really are!" -- I would never in a million years base my opinion of a human being on what someone I don't know or trust said online. On the innernets, who can you really trust? No matter how you slice it, dating is a crap shoot, ladies and gents. Roll with the punches and act like civilized human beings.

Finally, a nice reprieve from Oy ...

On a lighter note, Raina Mcleod from New Times got her tata autographed by Ron Jeremy! Gives whole new meaning to "brush with celebrity."

You know what, with so much OY! I think I'm going to Greece!



tags: abstinence, todd hollis, ron jeremy, sex education, dating

Sexcrunch: Raging Men, Horny Ladies and Condom Bragging

All the news that's fit for bed, served between the sheets. Don't ever say you aren't getting any!

Kids, pants below the ass is ok on Miami's stylish beaches, but not in school. Photo by yours truly.

GIVE HIM THE FINGER
Boy, we could sure use some more creative "emasculating gestures" against asshole drivers in Miami. People of my city, start wiggling your pinkies like our friends down under! Some wanker in Australia flew into road rage after a woman showed him the little finger. Insecure about size much? Read the full story at News.com.au.



Here's another curious report from down under, courtesy of the 2007 Durex Sexual Wellbeing Survey: "In almost every country, men have had more partners than women - the only exception is New Zealand where the women's average of 20 lovers is three more than the men's."

I don't know what's up with those Kiwi ladies, but I do know this: in a world full of lousy drivers, we might as well be getting some mileage in the bedroom!

SAFESAX
There's nothing that says "I'm a loose tramp" more than carrying around a transparent bag lined with condoms! But heck, at least I'm a smart, health-conscious slut who doesn't want to catch anything nasty from my lover and get preggers. Personally, I'd rather carry all things that go near my genitals (ie, tampons, condoms, vibrators, etc;) in a private, enclosed clutch, but any product that gets people talking about safe sex is a good thing.

The condoms are sealed-in and available for emergency use only, which ladies, as we well know, is much better than Plan B.

CARTOON OF THE WEEK

The indefatigable Hugh Macleod does it again! Lord knows what he had in mind when he drew this last week. Could it have been inspired by Apple's release of Leopard, the latest pussy on the block? Of course, this cartoon can be interpreted in other ways. After all, the world's oldest profession has been using pussy 1.0 since the beginning of time, no upgrade required.

On a side note, I can't wait until Apple gets to Liger.

tags: safesax, pussy, road rage, safe sex, durex survey, apple, leopard, miami

Sexcrunch: Cash Cows, Wealthy Lechers and Hot Geezers

All the news that's fit for bed, served between the sheets. Don't ever say you aren't getting any!

Get a room! This classic sex on the beach moment brought to you courtesy of Key Largo Diver, one of my favorite local photographers. Yes, the girl is pulling a Britney, but that wayward thong is too low even for Manola's taste. Click here to see the nsfw full monty.

BREAKING NEWS! FERTILITY IS A CASH COW!
Speaking of exposing your pussy to the world, Scientific American reports on a study conducted by some dudes who proved that strippers make more bucks when they're ovulating. Yeah, seriously. Pole dancers on the pill served as a control group and went home with nothing extra to report to the IRS. The results of this experiment suggest that human estrus still lurks beneath our civilized codes of social conduct, as opposed to baboons, who don't think twice about displaying their engorged rumps to potential mates.

What genius! I'm tellin' ya, who would've thought that showing your pussy to a bunch of horny guys when you're most likely to make a baby results in such financial generosity? I love science.

IS YOUR VAGINA A FOR-PROFIT CHARITABLE CORPORATION?
Speaking of guys who pay for pussy, Isaiah Thompson at New Times Miami reports on the South Florida sugar daddy scene. There's a local company that makes it easy for fellas with disposable moolah to support their darlings -- or, if you choose to look at it another way -- the company offers an online job board for sugar babies. The definition of "sex worker" is quite loose and certainly, the economy of cash and sexual currency has always been grayer than Oscar Wilde's imagination. Me? I'll stick to dinner and a movie, thank you. That'll be all.

NOT ALL GEEZERS ARE LECHERS
Jill Bauer at The Miami Herald writes a fascinating article that introduces Judie Manulkin, a local septuagenarian sexologist. Bauer also focuses on the trials and tribulations of sex life over fifty -- an age that's not looking so old to me right now, egads! Surely, viagra has made many older peckers quite chipper, but there's more to it than erections. I remember when my sister was actively dating in the 50 + scene. Same drama you hear spring chickens yap about, just chased with a shot Geritol. (Cache this article quickly before the paper throws it into archive oblivion!)

A CUPLA CUTE NAUGHTY BITS
Is it a penis or an easter egg? Gizmodo questions Motorola. Hmm, maybe I should trade in my old Nokia!

It's easy to be dirty-minded when you see this cartoonist in action!

tags: stripper study, geriatric sex, sugar daddy, sugar baby, sexcrunch

Sexcrunch: Penile Art, Neoclitori and Repentant Pornographers

All the news that's fit for bed, served between the sheets. Don't ever say you aren't getting any!

Just your average tax collector on South Beach. Does this phenomenon have a neoclitoris?

IS THE PENIS MIGHTIER THAN THE PEN?
As a rogue cartoonist, I do appreciate innovative approaches to art. But this one I could've never imagined!



Learn more about Pricasso here.

SOME GUYS WANT TO BE CALLED A PUSSY
Proof once more that sex and gender are not bedfellows: some people buy pussy, but not for porn. Reuters Health reports that "most people who undergo male-to-female sex change surgery are satisfied with the results." In the process of transexual metamorphosis, feminizing genitoplasty often involves the recreation of a neoclitoris. I really like this word: neoclitoris. It's refreshing. Not just any old clitoris, but a neoclitoris ... ah! Neoclitoris ... strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

WHEN IS AN ASSHOLE A PUSSY?
Speaking of dudes who are pussies, Joe Francis is behind bars but wants you to know he's a really nice guy -- the kind you can take home to mother. The Girls Gone Wild creator has launched a website complete with baby pictures in the hope you'd want to pinch his cheeks, even if the long arm of the law wants to slap his ass hard. You be the judge: go meet Joe Francis.

GOOD READS
"All you need to know about lightning and the mysterious male organ" over at the inimitable Steve Klotz.

Babygirl gives men nine simple tips on how to impress women. My favorite? "Be funny without making burp and fart jokes."

Ariel at Shake Well Before Use critiques a stupid-ass gender-bending experiment at GM. "We dressed him in a garbage bag to simulate a tight skirt. . . ." Because you know, a garbage bag is just like a tight skirt!

Thomas Laquer, whose book Making SEX I'm currently re-reading, wrote an article about the history of the whip for Slate's sex issue. Read more at The Long and Curious History of Arousal.

Photo by the fabulous Miami Fever.

tags: pricasso, penis, transexual, joe francis

Sexcrunch: Good Positions, Bad Boys

All the news that's fit for bed, served between the sheets. Don't ever say you aren't getting any!

AMERICA, STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER
Techmeme notes a recent study by advertising agency JWT that examines just how antsy Americans feel when separated from their cellphones and computers. As a matter of fact, some of them would rather finger a keyboard instead of their partners. America, listen up: if you're more interested in Twittering than achieving deep emotional intimacy, then at least get off your fat ass and go fuck somebody! (Consensually, of course.) Haven't you ever heard the phrase: use it or lose it? Otherwise, guys, your penis is going to shrink to the size of a raisin and ladies, your vagina will shut down faster than a bilge pump on a sinking boat. [Gaping Void on Twitter]

SEXUAL POSITIONS FOR DUMMIES
Is it any wonder then that a computer application can help us sexually impaired, tech-addicted Americans find bump and grind bliss? After all, it's hard enough to find sexual compatibility -- even on a deserted island without cellphones, computers and (gasp!) wifi. But what if that "island" is a lonely bed in Manhattan? Ah. Imagine that your text-messaging fanatic of a lover barges into the bedroom, looking like he could bounce a quarter off his penis, but you, you're so premenstrual, you just want to lie under him like a bloated whale before raiding the fridge for chocolate. Well, let iVillage's Perfect Position Selector tell you what position to assume. No one has time to read the Kama Sutra nowadays -- it's longer than 140 characters! Note to iVillage: how about a masturbation guide for us single gals? [Truemors]

THE FUCK BOAT
In local news, it's hard to tell who deserves the Darwin award in the following scenario: is it the nightlife entrepreneur pimp who throws a look-but-don't-touch party for drunk, horny dudes? Or the bimbo who uses xanax as a booze-modifying drug? There's nothing funny about sexual assault aboard the Ultimate Party Cruise. Hey, big spender, no means NO, even if she's three sheets to the wind. Read Ashley Harrell's article Wet T-Shirts, Titty Fights and Ugliness at Sea at Miami New Times.

FACEBOOK POSSIBLE PREDATOR HOTBED
Just when you thought it was safe for tweeners to get their social media on ... surprise! Seems like some of the perverts who got the boot from Myspace found a new home at Facebook. Yinka Adegoke at Reuters reports that New York State Attorney Andrew Cuomo's office has subpoenaed Facebook for not doing enough to keep the social networking site sicko-free.

Facebook, get your shit together. How can you complain about breastfeeding mothers when you've got convicted or potential sex offenders prowling about teeny-bopper profiles? For more on the breastfeeding scandal, start with Tere.

tags: facebook, ultimate party cruise, sexual position, ivillage, JWT, sexual dysfunction