Sunday, October 29, 2006

Meat Me in Miami Beach

manola's meatballs

Dear Manola 180,OMG! Is it true? Reuters reports that Maxim, the magazine known for featuring twats and tits meat and potatoes on its cover, may open a steakhouse in Miami. How much do you want to bet that this restaurant will be located on South Beach? We need another high-falutin' meat market on this island like we need yet another hole in our ass! OK, look it, why don't we just call a steak a steak and change our name to Meat Beach?

Yours truly,

Chica Churrasco

Dear Chica Churrasco,

Yes it's true, and as far as a bet, I wouldn't kick Matthew McConaughey out of your bed just yet! Our West Coast informant, Back in Skinny Jeans, first took a stab at the controversial issue.

"In an effort to boost their bottom line, Maxim magazine has decided to open.....drum roll.....a chain of steakhouses. That's right people. A magazine that portrays women like pieces of meat is now giving you the chance to literally take a bite of some of that meat, steak that is."

As you know, Manola 180 represents fair, balanced and unbiased journalism. We take no sides of beef, so we sliced through the gristle only to conclude that it's a bloody mess.

Stephen Coleslaw, CEO of Dennis the Menace Publishing, admits that Maxim's steakhouse isn't just another Hooters -- it's a bleedin' CASH COW. The concept is simple:

"It's not a matter of just sitting there, having your meal and then going home and flopping into bed because you've overeaten. It will not be about overeating, it will be about being the social experience of dining." [sic, emphasis Manola's]

OMG, that's fucking brilliant! Until now, no one had ever thought of dining out as a social experience! Stephen Coleslaw is clearly a genius -- the much awaited messiah of meatloaf! Who else brought finesse to our race of overeating troglodyte, Wal-Mart shopping, supersizing Cro-Magnons! This isn't just a new restaurant, it's a paradigm shift for the human race, which would still be dining at home, charring a leg of T-Rex over a bonfire, if it were not for this new revolutionary concept!

But cavemeat emptor: Maxim's steakhouse will appeal only to evolved members of humanity that will pay suck dick high prices for frou-frou.

"In terms of the atmosphere, in terms of the design and also in terms of the food, (the steakhouses) will cater to women as much as men," [sic] Coleslaw told Manola 180 as he sampled one of the signature dishes, grilled prairie oyster in a reduction sauce of dingleberry truffle.

So, in other words, if you are an epicurean, well-to-do grown-up whose sole purpose for going out is dining and/or a high school student with a 10 PM curfew and/or a convict with strict house arrest rules and/or a member of Overeater's Anonymous, and/or a disgusting couch potato wearing a stained wifebeater, Maxim's steakhouse is not for you.


It's not about the food, it's about the experience. Jeffrey Chowderhead, restaurateur and financier of Vagina Grill Management, is spearheading the project.

A very well-researched marketing campaign targets sugar daddies and finicky bulimics who want to see and be seen NOT eating. "We want you to puke that over-priced, thinly-sliced steak tartare before you head out to the club and burn more calories," explains Chowderhead. "We're very innovative. Currently, at China Grill on 5th Street, we already blare loud music causing hearing loss in many of our customers."

Chowderhead is ever the humanitarian."Our most popular menu item -- HOUSE SALAD -- is laced with beta blockers just to make sure our starved, anorexic clients prevent heart attacks but still look like cadavers before pretending to swallow our low-carb spermburgers!"

At the new Maxim's steakhouse, Vagina Grill Management intends to take customer service to the next level. Included among dining amenities are barf bags so that ladies will not have to deal with the emotional guilt trip tipping the poverty-stricken Haitian bathroom attendant who supports five children by providing shallow and ignorant patrons with hairspray.

As a beacon of enlightened civilization, Vagina Grill Management gets its inspiration from bacchanalian orgies. "If you can burp politely in Muslim culture, why not vomit publicly in South Beach?" asks Chowderhead. "What's more, waiters won't just clear the table of the breadcrumbs you pecked at discreetly like a vicious crow, they'll also wipe your seat with Clorox so your vagina can leak confidently!"

NOT-eating NEVER tasted so good!

More sexy informants:

Miami Beach 411

Scene in the Tropics

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That was frickin' amazing! Almost peed in my Penelopes. I must rank this as by far the finest piece of meaty bloggetry since I've been digesting here...I'm utter-ly in tears!!!