Groping on the Beach

Tourists, be safe during your visit to Miami this Superbowl week! Craig Ferguson interviews officers from Reno 911 who really know how to cop a feel. Remember, don't wear your wallet on your ass and don't let perverts grope your tits!



tags: superbowl, miami, humor, groping, reno 911, craig ferguson

Planet Manola: Sex and the City

Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently.



Manola hawking motor oil back in the day when she met men in Miami who were running dry on respectability.

SEX AND THE CITY

My boys are getting all Carrie Bradshaw on me!

White Dade confesses to a love hate relationship with Miami, or as I call it, the new MILF: Miami I'd Like to Fuck. Or have fucked. Or have been fucked by.

Because you see there are cities you marry and cities you fuck. And Miami, well, Miami is the city you fuck. A lot of people come to Miami and fuck her for a weekend and go home. And they swear it's the best sex they've ever had. Many get a taste of her and make the mistake of trying to make her theirs. But most, after a few months, realize her inherant sexiness wears thin pretty quick. They learn about her insanity, her volatility, and her constant abuse, wise up and leave. But man, it was a good time, wasn't it?

And Duran at Miami Nights confesses he too is a masochist for Miami:

I don’t think anyone loves this city more than me, but White Dade speaks the truth when he states Miami is the city you fuck, not the city you bring home to your mother. Read his post, because it couldn’t expose more the abusive relationship we are all in with this city. I’m one masochistic bitch.

Now, a funny thing happens after a thirty-something woman who has lived in Miami all her life reads this sort of commentary. First, a really good laugh, because it's true. I never married the crazy dipshits I met in this magic city whose charms wore off faster than a slippery condom; however, I never approached my native city with the same Henry Milleresque bravado of a gringo in a foreign city. Miami was and is my hometown and so I couldn't fuck Miami for the weekend. If we even ever made it to bed after the shmuck told bad Cuban jokes and talked about his car all night, I'd have to wake up with him on Monday morning and then kick him out of bed.

Miami is only a backdrop now and so I wonder: as you get older, doesn't sex eventually become a state of mind? A physical manifestation of your unconscious self? If you are what you eat, aren't you also who you sleep with? Still, I'll be damned, if I ever tie the knot, the marriageable man I bring home to my parents had better be doing the best job ever at releasing my root chakra!

MANOLO BLAHNIK CALLS HORSE SHIT

And speaking of Sex and the City, Liz Doup at Sun Sentinel reports that in Palm Beach, Manolo Blahniks are coming dangerously close to stepping on equine dung!

First, it was Sex and the City. Now, it's boots in the saddle.

Manolo Blahnik, the sultan of sensuous shoes, is trotting out paddock boots for the well-heeled horsy set just in time for the Winter Equestrian Festival. That's Wellington's high-falutin' horse show that pairs pricey horseflesh and top-tier riders starting Wednesday.What next? Tiffany sterling silver bridle bits?

SEXY WORKOUT ON SOUTH BEACH

And speaking of unusual finds in unexpected places, you know it's a good week when you're a straight woman working out at your fabulous no-attitude gay gym on South Beach, which you love because the gay meat market is lost on you (imagine a vegetarian who has come to peace with bacon and still invests in pork futures), which makes working out just that: working out and nary a thought about all that delicious flesh being off limits!

Then, out of the blue, a man who could be at least 25% straight (I have the WORST gaydar) sweet talks you up about going to see his show at La Bare. Heck, not only does he give me free passes, he also regales me with tales from stripperdom, such as his rivalry with a French dude who knows how to be suave with the ladies and isn't in it for the art; or the private VIP rooms where one can touch ass even though it's illegal to remove boy shorts from the boy. CAN'T REMOVE BOY SHORTS FROM THE BOY! WHAT? And so as I did my leg extensions, I also wondered if I could telepathically extend this thought to him: why yes, honey, that's all I'm thinking about while pumping my humble little iron -- I can't wait to get out of here and go stick dollar bills down your sweaty crotch!

tags: south beach, gay, stripper, manolo blahnik, sex and the city, milf, miami, boy shorts

Tits and the Beach

American Beauty star Mena Suvari contributed to the local scenery this past weekend. Perhaps the site of real breasts confused some locals; as SoFi reports, violence targeted at nipples erupted just a few blocks away.

Photography courtesy of Mavrix Chatter. Copyright Mavrix Photo, Inc.

mena suvari, naked, topless, miami beach, celebrity, tits

Planet Manola: Good Sucks and Slim Pickins

Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently.



Ladies, if you can't grow old, wear a funky crochet short-sleeved blouse, pick your nose and drink a beer in public, what's the point?

YOU SUCK, BUT IN A GOOD WAY

What's better than working out at a gay gym? Working out at a gay gym with a touchy-feely Cuban semi-retired stripper who sweet talks you with free passes to La Bare, that's what! Actually, working out at a gay gym with a touchy-feely Cuban semi-retired stripper of the "oyeme, mama" variety who sweet talks you while you are toning your thighs on the adductor machine ... come on, ladies, haven't you ever wanted to clamp your legs on a man's head just so he would shut up? Tsk, tsk. And you thought cunnilingus was just for pleasure!

SLIM PICKINGS

Sex and the Swamp! Francisco Alvarado of the Miami New Times answered my age-old question: WTF? What's up with the hangman's noose at Loop Road? Naked ladies and a Glades love story. Doesn't get better than that, y'all.

Don Singledom! This aint the new champipple, but a bubbling trend.

Sufferin' Sofitash! Nothing good can come ... unless it's in a relationship and coming already ... but that aint the point!

Photograph courtesy of Vetlife.

tags: miami beach, sex, nose, humor

Me Thinks The Lady Doth Protest Too Much

"Cockle-dooodle-do!" quoth the rooster. "Awaken ye Hens!" -- Edgar Allen Schmoe

Attila the Hun may be long dead, but surely these ladies would've also bared their all to protest his slaughterhouse tactics against humans! Heck, even Ivan the Terrible would've been impressed at their courage, but not before disemboweling several of these fair maidens.

We at Manola 180 do not promote the barbaric treatment of poultry, however, we must question the use of female sex objects as an effective means of engaging public awareness, especially in South Beach, where tits and ass are always in plain view. If these chicks had ruffled their feathers in Buffalo, New York right smack in the dead of winter, no one would deny they had balls!

We contacted Susan B. Anthony with our ouija board for commentary; the legendary feminist was a bit befuddled. "Oh my lord. I thought they were protesting culturally-sanctioned crimes against womankind, such as the cliterectomies still performed today in some African nations," said Anthony. "I'm thrilled these ladies are protesting without threat of bodily harm, but we managed to support universal suffrage without even showing a stitch of our bloomers!"

Whether or not you agree with the protester's choice of wardrobe (or lack thereof), it's clear the girls were not attuned to the linguistic idiosyncracies of Miami's Hispanic culture, where the gesture loses its serious message in translation:

If you want to be taken seriously, everyone knows you should never use bollo to protest pollo!

Get full coverage over at SotP. If you are easily offended, please do not visit www.justsexandfriedchicken.com.

Photograph courtesy of the very lensgasmic Miami Fever.

PS ... I'm back!

tags: kfc, south beach, protest, naked, chicken, bollo

Ass and the Beach

My counsel hath advised me that my male subjects hath committed mockery of the Adonis recently admitted to court. Lest it be written in the anals of history that Queen Manola runneth a petticoat empire to appease the meek desires of the frail sex, I hereby declareth that soft porn shall be meted out justly among knights and damsels both. In this fair kingdom, where flesh serveth as social currency, Queen Manola must not govern with an iron dildo but with a spandex thong. I therefore present to thee, oh salacious gentlemen who careth not to address thy pieces of meat by the Gods of ancient Greece, some pageantry from the Best Butt on the Beach, held at the earthly paradise known as The Clevelander Hotel.

Upon learning of the Queen's generous dispensation, Sir Lancelot, winner of the archery games, bent down on his knees and kissed the hands of the gracious Queen. "Oh your royal vagina," declared the knight. "How magnanimous of thee to provide our sex with a veritable cornucopia of bull's eye! Where dost thou advise me to sticketh my arrow?"

Photograph courtesy of Miami Fever

tags: best butt on the beach, ass, south beach, thong, humor

Pecs and the Beach (UPDATED)

NEWSFLASH!

Here's Craig David acting all gay!





What a girl wants, what a girl needs ... certainly not Jessica Alba's completely useless ass.

Women are practical. We want and need eye candy that's useful around the house. Ladies, may I present to you British singer Craig David, whose sexy chest and come-hither smile graced the shores of Miami Beach last weekend. What tasks would you have him perform?

Photography courtesy of Mavrix Chatter. Copyright Mavrix Photo, Inc.

tags: sexy, craig david, pecs, handsome, sex, beach