Steelclit: Conversation With Bill Gates

Unscripted and improvised.

Bill Gates calls Dr. Annie Steelclit for some much needed advice about sex, but gets a great investment tip instead.

"Women don't care about money, Bill. It's all about the hair."

"The woman who writes this blog is a cheap ho. You can buy her for five million and turn Sex and the Beach into a Jenna Jameson empire."

"It's kinda like vodka, but family-sized vodka."

tags: you tube, humor, comedy, steelclit, microsoft, facebook, bill gates

Sexcrunch: Good Positions, Bad Boys

All the news that's fit for bed, served between the sheets. Don't ever say you aren't getting any!

AMERICA, STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER
Techmeme notes a recent study by advertising agency JWT that examines just how antsy Americans feel when separated from their cellphones and computers. As a matter of fact, some of them would rather finger a keyboard instead of their partners. America, listen up: if you're more interested in Twittering than achieving deep emotional intimacy, then at least get off your fat ass and go fuck somebody! (Consensually, of course.) Haven't you ever heard the phrase: use it or lose it? Otherwise, guys, your penis is going to shrink to the size of a raisin and ladies, your vagina will shut down faster than a bilge pump on a sinking boat. [Gaping Void on Twitter]

SEXUAL POSITIONS FOR DUMMIES
Is it any wonder then that a computer application can help us sexually impaired, tech-addicted Americans find bump and grind bliss? After all, it's hard enough to find sexual compatibility -- even on a deserted island without cellphones, computers and (gasp!) wifi. But what if that "island" is a lonely bed in Manhattan? Ah. Imagine that your text-messaging fanatic of a lover barges into the bedroom, looking like he could bounce a quarter off his penis, but you, you're so premenstrual, you just want to lie under him like a bloated whale before raiding the fridge for chocolate. Well, let iVillage's Perfect Position Selector tell you what position to assume. No one has time to read the Kama Sutra nowadays -- it's longer than 140 characters! Note to iVillage: how about a masturbation guide for us single gals? [Truemors]

THE FUCK BOAT
In local news, it's hard to tell who deserves the Darwin award in the following scenario: is it the nightlife entrepreneur pimp who throws a look-but-don't-touch party for drunk, horny dudes? Or the bimbo who uses xanax as a booze-modifying drug? There's nothing funny about sexual assault aboard the Ultimate Party Cruise. Hey, big spender, no means NO, even if she's three sheets to the wind. Read Ashley Harrell's article Wet T-Shirts, Titty Fights and Ugliness at Sea at Miami New Times.

FACEBOOK POSSIBLE PREDATOR HOTBED
Just when you thought it was safe for tweeners to get their social media on ... surprise! Seems like some of the perverts who got the boot from Myspace found a new home at Facebook. Yinka Adegoke at Reuters reports that New York State Attorney Andrew Cuomo's office has subpoenaed Facebook for not doing enough to keep the social networking site sicko-free.

Facebook, get your shit together. How can you complain about breastfeeding mothers when you've got convicted or potential sex offenders prowling about teeny-bopper profiles? For more on the breastfeeding scandal, start with Tere.

tags: facebook, ultimate party cruise, sexual position, ivillage, JWT, sexual dysfunction

zOMG b00bz video

tags: you tube, boobs, humor, video, apple, comedy,facebook,myspace

A Drop of Water in the Ocean

Why would you want baubles and beads, when the most precious jewel beats inside of you?

Today I have the honor, pleasure and pride of announcing that I will blogging on a professional basis with Stephanie Quilao, publisher of four fabulous blogs: Back In Skinny Jeans, Simplr, Tinseltini and Noshtopia.

The first blog focuses on health, wellness, diet and body image, among other women-friendly topics. Simplr is just as its namesake implies – simplifying technology. Tinseltini celebrates famous folk over 35. And finally, Noshtopia gives a much-needed good name to healthy snacking. I’ll let Stephanie tell you more, in her own words.

Stephanie is a beautiful, courageous woman whom I deeply admire. Our business relationship stems from a friendship forged online and phone (she lives in San Francisco) and is a living testament to the good that can come when the positive energy of like-minded people is harnessed on electronic media.

My career background couldn’t be any more different than Stephanie’s. She worked with some industry cowboys in the tech world of Silicon Valley, whereas I didn’t even know the world “blog” two years ago. In spite of this, both she and I have followed our hearts, come to a place where our creativity can flourish and shaped a new reality for ourselves by aligning our intentions with our careers.

At some point during my yoga teacher training, my teacher Gaia took us students to the beach. She told us that yoga was you – a drop of water in that great ocean, empowered and humbled all at once, connected with God (whatever ‘god’ means to you), but above all, not a solitary drop, just a drop in the vastness, abundance of life.

The internet is an ocean of sorts; it gives us the perfect marriage of what the Hindu sages have known for thousands of years. Shiva is the driving force and Kali the vessel for manifestation; they are inseparable, creation and creative all in one, masculine and feminine, all united in the passionate exchange of energy that gives life meaning.

Whenever we follow our dreams, we harness the power of Shiva and Kali in all of us.

And so it’s with great humility, gratitude and love that I embark on that ocean … one drop, one word, one connection at a time.

Join me today then at Stephanie's online digs: can we eat without the skinny smugness?

tags: blog, blog news, maria lemus, stephanie quilao

Bloggers Anonymous

Oops! My name is Manola and I'm a blogger.

tags: cartoon, parody, blog, alcohol

How 'Bout Dem Apples?

This cartoon is dedicated to Fanless, the b00bz crusader par excellence!

So like the other day, my hard-ass friends were giving me shit because I didn't know about Guy Kawasaki. Hello? Unless you're Buddha, Jesus, Ghandi, Mother Teresa, Angelina Jolie or my parents, please have your receptionist call mine and maybe we can do lunch.

Listen to Manola's unexpected Southern Baptist evangelist cousin chime in for a religous rant with a totally fake accent! This ignorant, back-assward blogger confesses she doesn't give a shit about blogosphere celebrity. Don't get her wrong ... it's not about the bloggers, it's about the hype!

We apologize in advance for the crappy quality of the audio. We also apologize for the customary irreverence and disrespect. The truth is, we do appreciate the hard work, talent and worldly influence of so many folk who have forged ahead in our era of electronic communication ... but seriously, shall we grieve if we not know wherefore Guy Kawasaki?



Kawasaki let the good times roll ...



guy kawasaki , technorati , blog, humor, parody, audio, apple, boob

Silicon Chips vs. Silicon Tits

Inspired by a true story of sexual harassment way yonder in California but also my current musings on the web 2.0 phenomenon, which are both favorable and unfavorable. Most people barely have the emotional skill sets to have real relationships in meatspace; life online only complicates matters. It's a catch-22: the internet brings people together, but also has the potential to kill intimacy.

I still feel it's a tool, a means to an end, as easily manipulated by the end user as a good white lie and a poker face in conversation. Intuition is difficult to muster without flesh and bone and a voice to gauge. I do spend much time online because of my writing and art, but I also set boundaries in order to harvest what's best for me from that enormous net I've thrown into the sea.

This phenomenon is particularly interesting for my generation because I didn't grow up on web 2.0, but I'm still young enough to be growing up on whatever new webs we are currently weaving (3.0? 4.0? 5.0? I contend this scale would be best utilized for rating orgasms!)

I used to write my high school term papers on a typewriter. (Boy, do I miss the clankity-clank of the keys and ca-ching of the carriage return!) In those days, we lacked a second, ethereal world tied by cables and electrical impulses that creates a simulacrum of ourselves.

Still, most of my dear friends today are people I've met thanks to this blog. But that's just it: we met there and moved on. We no longer live online; the internet is simply our carrier pigeon which, thankfully, helps us share so much of ourselves as an extension -- not a substitute -- of ourselves.

Like I said, catch-22.

Call me old school. Last week at The Abbey, I felt a sudden urge to write and draw. I asked the bartender for paper. He handed me a small notepad and I shook my head: "Oh, no. I'm going to need A LOT." He understood. After looking under a stack of old newspapers, he placed a glorious yellow legal pad before me, which I wrote in feverishly for six full pages. Once satisfied, I thought the words were going to spill out onto the bar, overflowing like the foamy head on my Duvel.

This inspiration would've never occurred on a laptop. Nothing can replace the raw sensuality of writing or drawing with ink on paper.

And most importantly, nothing can replace true human interaction.

Bah. Enough seriousness. Stay tuned for the South Beach version of this cartoon, coming soon to a sexy blog near you!

tags: cartoon, parody, web 2.0, social network, sexual harassment, feminism

Modern Love: EAT MY FACEBOOK!

If you find the letters a wee bit small to read, do please click on this delightful image for a Ron Jeremy size close-up.

Oh my! I am SO going to hell for this one. YEAH! I got some of my mojo back ...

tags: facebook, twitter, cartoon, parody, web 2.0, social network, sex, cunnilingus