Sexcrunch: Of Grooves, Gaits, Ohs and Moans

All the news that's fit for bed, served between the sheets. Don't ever say you aren't getting any!


Guys, are you having trouble keeping your woman happy in bed? Maybe it's not you! No, no ... it couldn't possibly be you, darling. Or even her, for that matter. Good grief, don't you have a good, decent co-dependent bone in your body? Blame it all on the damn bed!

You see, my dear, you need The Groove, a $10K bed that will turn even the most timid Tiny Tim into a tremendous Trojan Titan -- all on the flick of a switch.

Pop-styled and built for play, it features a 150-watt sound system with speakers that pulsate to whatever music you're playing, two powerful massage systems (one for you, one for her) with 12 programs and an automatic shut-down feature, and smooth, fast, quiet motors that can custom contour the mattress into a variety of positions. (Getting her into a variety of positions is up to you.)

-- The Bachelor Guy

Baby, we don't want a 150 watt sound system. We want:

... a 150 watt VIBRATOR!!!

... two powerful massages systems: one that keeps us relaxed and you from farting, burping and snoring after sex!

... an automatic asshole shutdown feature!

... a mattress that can contour to a variety of features, including our premenstrual bloating, aka, the proverbial 'fail whale' of the boudoir!

Ok, it does sound exciting, but also so lame, when it comes down to save-me-from-the-Titanic-disaster-brass-tacks. In some ways, it's the equivalent of my-Lambo-equals-my-penis school of sexual technique. The only thing that's missing from this bed is the tires on a Low Rider.

Ladies, here are some red flags before purchasing this product. Is 'hot lover' included, batteries extra? And besides, if you walk into a bachelor pad where this bed is a centerpiece, wouldn't you consider pulling out the anti-other-woman-cootie-spray? Actually it has a rather Kubrikesque Clockwork Orange look that I find mildly disturbing, white pantsuits and black bowler hats not included.

Oh, but I'm not being fair. The products this bed company offers sound really groovy if what you want is a bed where you can relax after a decent romp on the floor. I'm actually liking the other beds they're selling. Guys ... a bed is a sacred thing, but you have to be able to the deed sacredly, even without the geek-friendly gadget bed, k?

And Hollandia, if you really want to have a big hit, manufacture the Orgasmatron! I'm sure it'll be a big hit in Wallmart. [Via The Bachelor Guy]

ARE YOU STRUTTING YOUR OOOOOOOOOs?

Are you fucking kidding me? ORLLY? Apparently the length of my stride, which is somewhere in between a poached escargot and a foot-bound 90 year-old Chinese woman (unless I'm dancing tango, of course), is the marker for my level of sexual satisfaction.

A new study found that trained sexologists could infer a woman's history of vaginal orgasm by observing the way she walks. The study is published in the September 2008 issue of The Journal of Sexual Medicine.

Who knew it could be so simple, people! Don't you just love scientific research? 'Cause you know that old term "spring in your step" meant nothin' until now!

Please do note that the researchers behind this are Scottish and Belgian and that Scotland and Belgium happen to be purveyors of some of the best scotch and best brew the world over. Just sayin' ...

Research has linked vaginal orgasm to better mental health.

OMFG! ORLLY? I am so astonished about this! Who knew? A vaginal orgasm, no less! Freud, are you proud? Let's not talk about that little clitoral orgasm, always annoying and getting in the way! Oh no ...

Actually, these guys do have something of a point. The ancient yogis knew this ... it's called your root chakra. If it aint happenin' down there, it gets all blocked up and fucks up the rest of your physical, mental and spiritual being.

In less esoteric terms, we can look at this phenomenon of the wide woman's gait as the body language of someone who has much confidence, but must it rest on the fact of a vaginal orgasm?

And what if, God forbid, his lovin' made it hard for a woman to walk afterwards? And what's more, every woman, even if she's too sexy strutting her stuff for the catwalk, has the God-given talent to fake it in bed.

And did we really need a scientific study for this? And what if you happen to be a professional lambada dancer? Does loose hips and long stride automatically make you orgasm-prone or something? Or could this be the way that some lascivious honkies perceive some juicy latinas? Maybe White Dade, who has recently come back from the dead, should chime in. [Via Truemors]