BREAKING NEWS! Magic City Wankers Are Weenies!

Miami's wankers may be smallish but no other city has cojones like this one, baby. Oh, and we grow bananas, too.

Rubber retailer Condomania really loves penises, obviously, so they amassed an astonishing amount of data after surveying 27,000 requests for condoms from their tailor-made TheyFit line of prophylactics, which come in a whopping 76 sizes! According to the data, based on measurements of girth as well as length, penises vary from three inches to over ten inches.

Miami ranked 12 in a list of 20 cities topped by New Orleans and fizzling out with Dallas/Fort Worth. This really depresses me, because a dear friend of mine who is single lives in that Texas city and I imagine she would enjoy the thrusting of a European cucumber over that of a baby carrot.

I am not concerned for myself as El Hombre is from a city that ranked pretty high, so I can personally vouch for the accuracy of this study.

Interestingly, the map for top 15 cities reveals a notable absence of sexual activity involving condoms in the Midwest. My guess is that this part of the country doesn't have sex unless it's for procreational purposes with multiple wives.

Also, according to the study, penises are bigger in blue states. Will this affect policy in Obama's new health care reform? Because you know, if there's one damn thing that should be dirt cheap in this country, it's freakin' birth control! All those people screwing around without condoms and having babies is what's wrong with this great nation of ours!

Out of the 50 states, Florida ranks number 24, which is surprising, because being peninsular, we are truly the nation's dicktip. If you look closely, Cuba is like a big wad of sperm floating around in the Caribbean Sea, which makes sense when you consider how the US acts like "I'm not going to come in your mouth" when it comes to dealing with that island.

So if the biggest penises are in New Orleans at over ten inches, this means (scientifically, of course), that Miami's dicks are probably just about five inches. But what Condomania doesn't know is that if you add a Maserati, a dinner at Prime 112, a fake Rolex and a cocky attitude, an erection grows about an extra two inches.

Kudos to Condomania for making tailor made condoms for the safety and pleasure of men who put their junk in body cavities. This brings whole new meaning to cut me some slack -- they should tie this in with the bespoke suit industry!

Anyway, I am really glad Condomania published this study, because now women all over the country can decide where they want to relocate for career purposes. And college-age girls can choose New Orleans for their next spring break destination. I bet the Greater Miami Visitors and Convention Bureau, the Beacon Council of Miami and local chambers of commerce are hustling right now to prove the Magic City is an ok place to live and play in spite of its weenie wankers.

Also, I am so relieved for my fellow sisters enduring schlong strikes and penis embargos. Before I met El Hombre, I could barely sleep at night, tossing and turning, wondering about where to find the biggest penis in a city full of dicks. Forget Miami -- I was planning on doing a whole social media project, driving around the country in a sponsored automobile, sleeping with 27,000 different men and tweeting about their penis sizes and facebooking about how they act like dicks! Oh wait, no ... that wasn't for me ... that was a reality show idea for the Kardashian sisters.

And this gets me thinking: we all know one size does not fit all, so somebody needs to figure out a way to measure vaginal cavities. This way, 4" number two pencil will fit inside a skinny bitch and papi chulo with the hanging ham could ride his big chonga with comfort and ease. Condomania, you should start your own dating website with all that data!