Tuesday, June 18, 2013

BREAKING NEWS! Hurricane Season Boyfriend 2013 Revealed!

No, it's not a giant continental dildo; it was the predicted path of Tropical Storm Andrea, 2013.

It's that time of the year again, oh my!

June 1st marks the beginning of Hurricane Season and as of today, we've been visited by Tropical Storm Andrea and are witnessing a Tropical Depression Number Two near Belize.

So, single ladies out there who don't have boyfriends or husbands to take care of shit around the house -- you need to include an ideal boyfriend in your preparedness kit, along with batteries, flashlights, bottled water, cans of Spam and tranquilizers.  We need to figure out whom we'd want to have around during the next grueling, impossibly humid months in South Florida, where even venturing outside for a few minutes requires wiping one's sweat with a maxi pad.

A hurricane season boyfriend is someone creative who can deal with all the technical preparations before the storm and all the hassles after its aftermath.  More importantly, he can deal with our moods after spending days without a/c, drinking hot beer and eating Velveeta spread on stale bread -- you Hurricane Andrew veterans know what I'm talking about!

Past luminaries in this pantheon include Harry Connick, Jr. -- the crooner showed off his pecs in as he carried victims out of harm's way after Hurricane Katrina.  As well, Chef Robert Irvine comforted us one summer as we knew that he could create a meal out of nothing in the most rustic of settings -- the ultimate boy scout -- and especially if that meal had been caught by fisherman Jeremy Wade, one of our most famous boyfriends of all time.  I'd love to see those two in an arm wrestling match!

This year, instead of focusing on food, we are focusing on structure.  Yes, structure. Because hurricanes suck and Miami is full of abodes that won't stand up to 200 MPH winds during a hurricane's fury.

See, I'm an architect's daughter. And my dad, who came up with a great system of attaching roof tiles together so they wouldn't fly off under 200 MPH winds, taught me two great things in life: "Always put sugar in your coffee and hurricane 'glass' only works in theory, in the laboratory."

Now think about it -- at least in terms of engineering and physics. We're in a hurricane zone and we live in glass towers. WTF? See? This is really important -- because we want to have our cake and eat it too in South Florida. We want to enjoy our views yet still be protected when the shit hits the fan during a cataclysmic storm.

So this got me thinking:  if my house and/or apartment windows get blown away, who would build me a new hovel? Or who could build a structure that wouldn't blow away? And who could that? Is there a  super cute guy who is not a member of AARP whose diapers I have to change?

Ladies, please meet our 2013 Hurricane Season Boyfriend ... drum roll ... none other than Danish architect Bjarke Ingels!

Even his hair is wind-swept!

Bjarke Ingels gives whole new meaning to the idea of a Danish pastry, because seriously, he should really be called a stud muffin.  This innovative, 38-year old architect has a firm whose URL is www.big.dk.

Now please take a moment away from your coffee cup and pronounce that in English. BIG DK.

You see where I'm going, right?

Mr. Ingels is known for the shape of his buildings, some of which are very tall, erect, yet curvy and twisty, which makes us wonder if he'd know how to caress a woman's body under distress, especially after a week of not being able to watch Lifetime movies on TV because the power is out.

He has also built green roofs, and you know, whatever is left of vegetation after a hurricane, it's all going to be green, anyway, because after a few harrowing hours of wondering whether you'll live through the low barometer pressure and shaking walls, your surroundings will look like a botanic garden that just had a wild seizure, with electrical wires and debris thrown all over the place, to boot. If you're a tidy gal, you aint gonna like hurricane aftermath.

Oh yeah, also, you're going to be living au naturel with green everywhere, even up where the sun don't shine, until civilization returns.

So speaking of green ...

We are impressed by Mr. Ingels large scale, eco-friendly works, some of which include pools and terraces that allow you to sunbathe in the nude without showing your naughty bits to neighbors.  Now wouldn't that be a great Miami real estate feature or what? Not that I like tanning.

Also, he uses words like "hedonistic" and "pragmatic" and "sustainability" in the same sentence.  (Although we know that during and after a hurricane, we also use words like "we're screwed" and "who told you to leave that 500 pound stag horn fern hanging from the tree that just blasted through our living room window?")

Now who doesn't love a guy who says "hedonism" in a sentence who has smart brains like this? I swear, I have searched local match.com to no end an haven't found one.  I mean this Danish could definitely trump any Miami pastelito, if you know scholarly girls know what I mean.

It's an extremely sexy use of the word hedonism: well, in his words, he doesn't agree that "it has to hurt in order to be good."  And we love that translated into the bedroom!

We have no doubt that he could build us an amazing hurricane season shelter during the aftermath, made of all the trees that have fallen over and that he'd probably an electrical saw around plus nuts, bolts, hammers and a drill in his hurricane preparedness kit to accomplish this very purpose. You always need a backup just in case your camping tent blows away, right?

And he knows how to manage heat -- not the Miami Heat, but architecture that is heat-friendly. We like that!

In fact, I'd encourage him to design a hurricane-proof room in the middle of any glass, concrete and steel encased condo, with a community generator able to power-up, just in case that next Category 5 should blow through Miami's skyscrapers.  We need them in South Florida ... just like folks who have basement shelters to escape from tornadoes in the mid-west.

And speaking of poolboys, how the fuck is anyone going to walk up and down their 40 story or more condo without Spiderman to the rescue?

In fact, Mr. Ingels, if you ever read this ... could you design a portable aftermath shelter for us tropical mavens? That'd be brilliant! These are real problems for South Florida structures. And please figure out how to keep us cool with chilled servings of Moet.  You know, I'm not asking the architect to BE the poolboy, but just to make it comfortable to hire the poolboy after the fact. And I have faith you could do it with your amazing imagination!

Congratulations to starchitect Bjarke Ingels for earning this most honored accolade!

PS Mr. Ingels is in fact, leaving some kind of footprint in Southeast Florida.  He's up for the new Miami Beach Convention Center project, as well as Grove at Grand Bay in Coconut Grove and Marina Lofts, although I'm not sure they should move that rain tree.


LuAnne said...

Oh wise one you have chosen well. I'm not convinced though that he's 38. :-} Make sure you send him the blog, my dear, so he can get working on that project.

Unknown said...

I am an architect or was in my former life 10 years ago and have had my share of architect boyfriends and I have to say you have made an excellent choice. Nothing like a creative dane to come sweep a girl off her feet if she has not been swept away by the hurricane that is.