Manola Vice East Coast Premiere

Manola News, Miami Beach, July 24, 2006 -- The stars will perspire on South Beach tomorrow as they drip onto the red carpet for the East Coast premiere of Manola Vice at the Stinton Cheese Theater. Tickets to the event cost $1,000,000 and benefit the University of Miami Pee Pee Medical Research Department.

Hollywood's most lukewarm celebs, such as Flimsy Hohan, Possum Hilton and Justnipple Simpson, are also expected to alight into town for a glorious after-party at South Beach's hottest and most humid club, Condo.

When asked about the philanthropic twist to the event, Mr. Colin Farrell slurred: "Bollocks! Haven't you ever ever heard of drinkers with a pissin' problem?"

Co-star Manola BBB, demure and soft-spoken as usual, just smiled and noted that Mr. Farrell is a perfect gentleman when it comes to relieving his bladder: "He always does it downwind."

A recent article from Irish tabloid Jolly Green Giant reports that the two stars are rumored to be engaged, but it is not known whether the copy editors, drunk on Black and Tans, meant to simply say that "Mr. Farrell was engorged."

Critics at the LA premiere last week stark raving salivated over the film's remarkable deep and penetrating story. Touted as this century's Dr. Zhivago, the story is a sweeping, epic romance of one man's quest for a woman who would finally appreciate his wanker. Far from being a corny remake of sappy historical romances, this movie challenges audiences. In one heart-wrenching sequence, Sonny Crockshit and Lara Tankbitch, the two coke-crossed lovers, are seen tredging through the endless maze of mangroves in the Everglades, with only one boiled peanut to eat. Ear-splitting mosquito buzzing replaces violins and we know that they made the right choice: a good blow job over destiny.

No doubt, the flick is bound to stir some controversy. But then again, when it comes to Manola BBB and Colin Farrell, what else to expect?

Here's what the critics are saying:

Annie Steelclit, The Miami Bumpost: "Bring kleenex. A romantic sperm-jerker if I ever saw one!"

Anna Pornikova, Anorexia Daily Review: "A movie so moving, my boyfriend forgot to play popcorn surprise."

Dick Maximus, The McLatchy Hurled: "Mr. Farrell's performance overshadows the great Omar Sharif by several inches. It choked me up."

Tickets to the premiere are sold out, but you can still attend the after-party for $1,000,000. Blow jobs not included. Call 1-800-ASS-WIPE for further details.