Friday, April 20, 2007

I'm Too Sexy For My Novel

jane austen paris hiltonWill the real hot writer step forward ...


NPR reports that Christie's is auctioning a portrait of Jane Austen, but some scholars on locarb hallucinogenic diets experts have expressed doubts as to the authenticity of the subject portrayed:

Some skeptics have argued that the short hair and empire-waist dress weren't stylish until Austen, who was born in 1775, was much older. They say that the young girl in the painting is just too pretty to be the author of Pride and Prejudice.


joe francis mugshot Ya know, I wish I were still doing graduate coursework in literature, because inquiring minds want to know: just what exactly is too pretty to write a crappy porn screenplay that you sell to millions without any literary redemeeing value novel? What's more, who are these skeptics? Joe Francis? Mayhaps the panel of judges at South Beach Best Butt contest?

Now mind you, after sitting through week-long doctoral exams that got all medieval on my ass, I must say, academics are no better at judging beauty than a Tennessee pig who suddenly sniffs out truffles in Provence. That being said, however, my closeted gay Victorian literature professor probably had higher esteem of woman's worth than Joe Francis.

As a writer who happens to possess a vagina, I'm so comforted by the heartwarming fact that repressive 18th century England was just as vapid and superficially judgdemental as South Beach in the 21st century. Because you know, a pussy attached to a cute face that happens to have a skill or two at wordsmithing couldn't possibly be real!

jean rhys I suppose I'm going to have to scratch Welsh-descended/Caribbean-born Jean Rhys off my list as one of the most brilliant writers of all time because she was too HOT and far too drunken wild to author a novel as seminal as Wide Sargasso Sea!

So you heard me right, my gorgeous posse, give up blogging NOW. Remain proudly hononymous! Geez, if I knew a few yous were so ugly, I'd at least expect a chapter in my nephew's college comp 101 primer! Tsk, tsk ...


Oh no, I tell a lie ... I truly do ... here is the truth: instead of pretending we're not good enough because we don't know if we're pretty enough, we choose to be GIRLS GONE WILD WRITING ...

The manifesto: ladies, take pornographic relish in your writing ventures, go crazy, unabashed, be wanton, take risks, breathe heavily, live deeply, sexually, real and honest through your writing. Trust your voice: trust it like a reliable orgasm! Above all, don't let any so-called skeptics influence your relationship between the woman and the writer; they are intertwined -- your beauty is your writing and your writing is your beauty.

Alas, Charlotte Bronte, like her Brit-lit musty encyclopedic counterpart Jane, must've been quite fugly. Otherwise, there'd be no mad woman in the attic to have inspired Jean Rhys, her novel's legacy ... So imagine a world where Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte listen to Christina Aguilera on You Tube ... would it have been so impossible to communicate? Would we be drinking rosé on the rocks and saying "fuck you" to the world and writing to our heart's content?

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robkroese said...

Damn. I'm clearly way too sexy to ever be a real writer.

Oh well, modeling underwear pays better anyway.

Anonymous said...

Silly Manola. This is not new, clearly you are not aware of Charles Van Guusten’s work in the 1950s. His groundbreaking research discovered that in women, Brains and Hotness come from the same gene and all women have only a set amount of it…say…100 beans. Some women have all hundred beans in the HTM (Hot Tootsie Mama) Jar, which leaves zero for the Brains Jar. The more beans you have in the Brains Jar, the more you gotta take out of the HTM Jar.

Anonymous said...

Oh Manola, we all know women can't write. You are just suppose to be a baby-makin' factory and a good cook. We don't expect much from the inferior sex :)

ADW said...

Great - now I have had all of my dreams crushed. There is NO WAY and old Hooters Whore could be fug enough to write anything worth reading.

FUUUUCKKK - what to do, what to do? I can't go back to the orange shorts (for several reasons - one being there is no longer a Hooters near me). Thanks for ruining my life M.....

Steve ("Klotz" As In "Blood") said...

Manola sweet prose-lytizer: you know and read Jean Rhys. That makes two of us this century.