Saturday, November 10, 2007

EXCLUSIVE! Manola Interviews Maria! Scandalous!

manola blablabanik
Manola Blablablanik interviews Maria, the author of Sex and the Beach, on the occasion of her fortieth birthday. Bonus Seesmic video added below!

Manola: Happy birthday to my favorite ho! Tell me, what does it feel like to be a withered old hag with dried-up ovaries?

Maria: What are you talking about you cheap tramp, I'm only 40 and I feel better than ever!

Manola: Oh come on, get real. You're supposed to have a mid-life crisis, babe. By Hollywood standards, you're already a prime nip/tuck candidate. And to add insult to injury, you can't even be a MILF because you've failed to push out a baby. Double whammy!

Maria: Listen, bitch, the only "double whammy" here are the cheeks on my big fat Cuban ass! Manola, I can't believe you buy into that stupid shit! First of all, I'm still HOT and what makes me even HOTTER is the fact that I'm wiser and no longer a twenty-something Britney trainwreck about to happen, but a real woman with her high heels firmly planted on the ground. Hello? I survived the doormat years with grace, chutzpah and barely a wrinkle!

Manola: What about rug rats?

Maria: If it's meant to be, I'll manifest a solid, loving relationship with an extraordinary man who also desires a child. Call me crazy, but why should I settle for a spermsickle up my yin yang instead of a hot beef injection from someone who adores me?

Manola: Well yeah, a romp with your hunk is the best way to be sperminated, but what if ...

Maria: Look it. No one really has a baby, you know. You have a human being and you shouldn't bang one out just because your uterus can keep it alive for the first nine months. It's a serious matter ... can we talk about something else?

Manola: Ok ... calm down. Damn girl, this is supposed to be a fluffy interview! So, speaking of "extraordinary men" who are you banging these days?

Maria: Well, I know you're not going to believe this, but I've been celibate for over a year.

Manola: SHUT UP! GET OUT! You are so fucking lying to me!

Maria: Nope. I actually took a vow of celibacy about a year ago to devote myself to a spiritual healing practice. Celibacy isn't just a hiatus from sex, but also from emotional entanglements that distract you from facing the void. Sounds scary, doesn't it?

Manola: Sounds BORING!

Maria: Actually, taking personal inventory is the best fucking thing any woman can do for herself. The results are quite sexy -- I'm more confident, secure, at peace with myself and the world and far more capable of loving.

Manola: Oh, who cares about all that rubbish. Come on, a whole year without sex? Not even a little smooch?

Maria: I've lived life well (wink, wink) so I haven't missed much.

Manola: I don't believe you.

Maria: Well, I might have been walking on the beach and accidentally slipped on someone's penis a couple of times, but that's none of your fucking business!

Manola: Oh come on, dish!

Maria: No.

Manola: I bet that "slip-up" was a blogger.

Maria: Shut the fuck up.

Manola: Does he follow you on Twitter?

Maria: Cut it out.

Manola: Oh wait! I bet he's a dude in one of your cartoons ...

Maria: I am SO going to walk out on this interview!

Manola: Ok, ok ... FINE. So how could you write about sex if you weren't into it?

Maria: Ah, that's the magic of the craft, grasshopper. When I started this blog two years ago in October, I was actually deeply depressed and had only just begun to refine the art of being reclusive. Never would've guessed it, huh?

Manola: What? Wait a minute. Now I feel shitty. Did you create me just to vent your frustrations? Is that all I am to you? I feel so used!

Maria: Manola, there's a little bit of me in you and little bit of you in me, but we're not the same person. One fine day, I'll grow up and hook up with a deserving man, but you, my dear, must always be single.

Manola: Always single, huh? That sounds like fun! But Maria, if you don't have sex, how the hell am I going to get some dick vicariously? I mean, you don't plan on keeping your hoochie hidden under lock and key for the rest of your life, do you?

Maria: Don't be ridiculous! Of course I want some dick, but I want some heart, too. This isn't about morals, it's about getting to that point in your life when you don't do dinner and bullshit anymore.

Manola: So let's go to Club Douche tonight, get real drunk and pick up some ...

Maria: No way. I'm not a cougar who's into prowling bars, even though the chastity belt is off. You swig a wine cooler with the tourist boys, honey. I prefer to sip a fine, aged scotch. I'm perfectly content to be who I am, where I am, how I am ...

Manola: Ugh. You and your stupid spiritual crap! Sometimes you sound like Oprah and Dr. Phil's love child. Why can't we just talk about penis and pussy?

Maria: Dude, we have been talking about penis and pussy. Sheesh!

Manola: OK, well, hmm ... I was hoping that by being a nosy bitch I could get a sordid confession out of you, but I see you've decided to be all deep thoughts instead of deep throat.

Maria: Honey, at my age, "classy" is the new porn.

Manola: Well, Maria, I'd love to wish you a very happy 40th birthday and hope that you'll get laid soon with some "nice" guy. Geez ... picky, aren't we?

Maria: I've learned so much from you -- you impudent, foul-mouthed slut! You're resilient and aren't afraid to speak your mind. You've been one of the greatest joys in my life. Thanks to you, Manola.

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Jorge said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jorge said...

LOL. Quality read. Happy Birthday oh WISE one!

SUE said...

Of course I want some dick, but I want some heart, too.

Well said.

Happy candles.

Ann said...

You make me damn hard. I see now from your photo that we truly are twins..I look just like that under my clothes too!

Happy Birthday!

Tere said...


Yoli said...

Happy Birthday Maria!! Welcome to the 40's! It is a wonderful time and very liberating.


Yoli said...

I just saw your Cuban secret for looking so young at 40. Between the lard and the boniato, you are going to look 30 forever girl.

Matt Heller said...

Happy birthday Maria!

It takes a real woman to publicly confront her own sex-crazed, verbally abusive alter ego. Well, either a real woman or maybe a borderline schizophrenic. But I would definitely put you in the real woman category.

Carrie-in-TN said...

Feliz Forty, Maria! Welcome to the Lightness! Un abrazo...and thanks for the many good laughs.

GoingWiddershins said...

I hope you have a wonderful birthday and many more happy, healthy, sane and especially loving ones!

I'm still giggling over the spermsickle.


Xavier said...

Happy belated bday Maria!

Verticus Erectus said...

Women like you need a good spanking. Until I started dating a Brazilian woman, I didn't know what sex was. And then she did that celibate thing. I haven't been the same. It's nuts because it never was all about sex with me. I truly loved her. We drifted apart. She "married" a fellow Brazilan to help him get his green card but still kept her vow of celibacy because he's actually gay and living with his gay lover (it's complicated). Life is too short for celibacy not too mention it doesn't compute in the natural world. I did like your "Classy is the new porn," but it too makes no sense. How can you not want to wake up in the morning with some man's loving arms around you after having some great sex?