Saturday, April 07, 2007

Steelclit: South Beach Vagina Cream

dr annie steelclit cigar sex and the beach
Disclaimer: the following is not intended as professional medical advice, although it may make you laugh as humor is, after all, the best medicine.

In this the first of hopefully many "Ask Dr. Steelclit" installments, we attempt to answer actual search engine queries that have tricked hapless and unsuspecting visitors into our seductive lair. Don't ever say we don't aim to please!


"I Googled South Beach Vagina Cream and found your site. Have you heard of it?" -- Itching in the UK

Hmm ... no, actually I've never heard of it, unless you mean "cream" as a verb and I'm pretty sure you don't. While there are many OTC products available for vaginal conditions such as yeast infections, none exist that specifically address the condition of South Beach. Perhaps some greedy pharmaceutical company should seize the potential to sell this snake oil to millions of gullible tourists. In any case, here in the land of sun and fun such a cream would have to satisfy many women's needs.

miami fever bikini sex and the beachCamel toe or moose knuckle?

South Beach Vagina Cream should ...

... help women who suffer from fat vagina to lose all hoochie blubber in a matter of hours, eliminating the need for liposuction. No longer will you have to wear a tent dress because of embarrasing moose knuckle!

... on the opposite spectrum, cure all skinny bitches once and for all of equally embarrasing camel toe! What's up with giving your vagina a wedgie? Are you a world-class competitor in Extreme Tight Pants? Is your vagina a black hole Hoover vacuum cleaner trying to suck in the rest of the universe?

... act as gentle, waterproof lube and nuclear-powered spermicide.

... serve as a convenient disinfectant seat wipe to avoid contagion from someone else's icky cooties. (See South Beach Miniskirt Crisis.)

... cure untimely yeast infections acquired by wearing a wet bikini for a prolonged periods of time. How can you screw the cute bartender if your twat hurts?

... when applied directly to the forehead, provide user with instant gaydar.

... provide instant vaginal reguvination to old hags so they can bang a hot gigolo. Adverse effects: causes vagina belonging to gold digging bimbo who stole old hag's first husband to become as loose and undesirable as his dignity.

... in case of date gone bad, offer women mild orgasms with just a thin application to the surface of the vulva. Upon return from a visit to the ladies room, all you'll hear is Harry Connick Jr. seductively crooning instead of your date incessantantly blathering about the Marlins, his dumb ass job and his evil ex-wife.

... instantly rid all vaginal, perineal and anal surfaces of sand after a romp on the beach, leaving you with a clean, fresh feeling.

I'm no marketing expert, but it seems to me that this product would benefit a great deal from viral marketing. Ladies who lurk here, can you think of other wonderful applications for the wondrous South Beach Vagina Cream?


"Do we need to wash after intercourse?" -- Scruffy in Sacramento

Hell yeah, girlfriend! Kick his lazy fat ass out of bed and make him do the dishes!

"I need to know how to make my thong not stink." -- Odorous in Ireland

Two things: a) Don't wear one. b) Fucking wash it!

"Do thongs cause wedgies?" -- Confused in Cincinnati

This question is redundant. A THONG IS BY ITS VERY NATURE A WEDGIE.

"Is my neighbor a velociraptor?" -- Terrified in Tallahassee

This is not a sex related question. However, if your neighbor looks like Sobesaurus and drives a Bentley, haul ass!

sobesauraus maneater paris hilton miami beach sex and the beach

Sobesaurus by Manola. Bikini babe with ambiguous crotch bump courtesy of the bokehlicious Miami Fever.

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Anonymous said...

I realize that "moose knuckle" applies to men and that women are technically not in possession of junk. Even so, I think "moose knuckle" should be a unisex, equal opportunity term as it is far more dignified than "cunt bulge" ... can you think of a better term?

Dan said...

I'm off to Google apartment availability in South Beach ...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I like a little vagina cream on my hot fudge sundae...with a big red cherry on top. I always lick the cherry before I suck up all the vagina cream.

Stacy said...

That was hilarious LMAO

GoingWiddershins said...

I laughed out loud at your gaydar comment, and my roommate laughed at me from the other side of the room.

A point of contention - why is a fat vagina a negative thing? Its supposed to be fleshy, just look at all the renaissance paintings. Who wants a Vicky Beckham bony crotch? Not me.

Nancy said...

The dog in the background doesn't seem to be bothered by her moose knuckle, well on second thought ... note his tongue *smirk*

Maisha said...

moose kuckle!bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha!you are funny!omg!

Anonymous said...

You should hit up a VC to market your SOUTH BEACH VAGINA CREAM, I bet you could make millions just because it has "South Beach" in the name.

Anonymous said...

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