Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Save the Schweddy Balls!

The original Saturday Night Live skit with Alex Baldwin as Mr. Schweddy, founder of a holiday bakery called Seasons Eatings.

I haven't written a lot about sex lately. I cover "stuff that's more interesting than sex" (see my header) and to tell you the truth, this post isn't even about sex. It's about people who have balls and people who don't.

Earlier today, I read a curious piece at Huffington Post about One Million Moms, a group of uptight ladies who are requesting that Americans boycott Ben and Jerry's latest limited edition ice cream.

The humorless, fun-averse conservative group One Million Moms, an offshoot of the American Family Association, is -- once again -- none too pleased with frozen treat liberals. . . .

Yes, boycott an ice cream, people. You heard that right. Like we don't have enough problems in this world.

Sorry moms, I am really grateful that you pushed a human the size of a watermelon out of your vagina and you are probably well-meaning, good moms, but this is simply ridiculous. Why not harness your energy for things that truly matter, like homelessness, famine and domestic violence? It is not and should not be your job to censor and edit the American population.

What is wrong with this country? You let your children play vicious and violent video games and yet you get all your Kmart giant panties in a twist over a completely innocuous and gut-busting funny sexual reference? Good lord! I am sure God is rolling his eyes in heaven in frustration. Why are you wasting your energy over something so harmless?

Guess what? You just did Ben and Jerry's a huge favor, because I am officially launching a Sex and the Beach "Save the Schweddy Balls" campaign. The puritans landed here in the 17th century. It's 2012. We have bigger fish to fry in this great nation. Get over it!

Dear readers, it is your democratic right to not only NOT boycott Schweddy Balls, but also eat it and relish in our freedom of speech to be able to call an ice cream something so memorable. In fact, if you don't eat this ice cream, nay -- if you don't absolutely demand it at your local store -- you are being un-American.

Support your right to be a sensual creature by indulging in this sweet and savory treat, made of fudge-covered rum and malt balls. Let's get crankin' so that Schweddy Balls be available forever!

Also, please eat in moderation. I'm not asking you to gorge and become a fat ass over ice cream. Oh dear, like I need another inch on my luscious Cuban ass and I certainly don't want you to be a photo candidate for People of Walmart either. This is an important symbolic gesture.

By the way, I am not working for Ben and Jerry's. Shit, I don't even like sweets. But this is something I'm willing to support. Oh and I'm trying to find out where the delicious dessert is available in our fair nation's dicktip. I'll update you all as soon as I find out.

Hey, at least the marketing people at Ben and Jerry's didn't call it Crunchy Cojones, but cojones is something you need to have, regardless of gender.

So what say you? Do you have the balls? Be ballsy in life! That's the only way to live and to make a difference in the world.

In fact, even those humble pilgrims had balls to cross an ocean and become pioneers who homesteaded a new nation.

Balls are synonymous with the United States of America.

Long live the balls.

Save the balls!

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