Manola Hearts Horatio Cane

Dear Producers of CSI,

Boy do you have it all wrong. Ending your season with impossibly blonde Calleigh Duquesne wearing black stilleto pumps to a crime scene? Oh and Mr. Hot Lips -- aka DELCO -- whose labial assets reminds one of the most delicious blood oranges sautéed in tender garlic is now lusting after Miss Alice in Fisticups? And seriously, screw the mojo, what about normally way cool and superbly stoic Alexx Woods -- honey pie, you may dissect bodies, but how can you wear such hideously obvious hair extensions and still call yourself a professional medical examiner?

Oy, it drives a Miami girl crazy, let me tell ya!

Most importantly, what about all the dead people, drug running, corrupt politicians, environmental abuses and crimes and shit?

OMG, your story lines are so freakin' pathetic. You think that just because you throw in -- a) a few anorexic models with attractive faces who act like stupid bimbos b) a smattering of highly photoshopped alligators c) boring-ass aerial shots of I-75 and c) random stupid undergraduate psych 101 course topics about fucked up peeps -- that you can make a TV crime drama set in SoFla?

Has it occured to you that maybe there are beautiful people in South Florida who have brains who just take perverse pleasure in the fact that you are making mondo bucks from misrepresenting Miami?

Plus the fact that you shoot 90% in LA, hello? That's Mickey Mouse set plus two! Mickey Mouse, you hear me? How can I possibly take this prime time tv drama seriously? Most importantly, you so need to hire Manola as your script consultant. Please call 1-800-SMART-WRITING and I'll help you put together a solid story line, ok?

Regards,

Manola BBB
1-800-SMART-WRITING

24 Hour operator available at your service! Need some verb advice? Got an itch regarding adverbs? Just need to jack off to conjugation? CALL US!

Oh and by the way THIS is the best outfit to wear in South Florida, especially if you are a crime scene investigator! Let me tell you something, people who read this blog from far and abroad, nothing, absolutely nothing, can compare to trying to be a respectable human being while sweating like a pig in our climate, which is why I'm trying to tell you, the first issue I have with Miami CSI is the fact that its cast of characters don't dress appropriately for the climate. Heck, I might even start a new blog: SWEAT AND THE BEACH. What do you think?


tags: sex, miami csi, michelin, horatio cane

PS ... the resemblance between Emily Procter and teh real Manola is scary! I had to make the mash-up OBVIOUS!

Steelclit: Sex Tips for Spiderman

Disclaimer: the following is not intended as professional medical advice, although it may make you laugh as humor is, after all, the best medicine.

In this installment, we answer a reader's questions regarding arachnophilia gone wild.

Dr. Annie:

Is it possible to get an STD from oral sex with a giant mutated spider? How about a scorpion?

Sign me Concerned.

Dear Concerned,

I'm concerned too. There are two issues to address here. First of all, that's not a spider, but a very bad case of crabs. Although the woman appears to be tossing her head back in pleasure, she is actually writhing in agony from severe twat itch. She is a model so she gets paid to pretend she's actually enjoying cunning linguist from a giant spider, but the truth is she is just an airbrushed bimbo bitching about how men get to scratch their balls all the time in public, while women have to deploy discreet maneuvers.

Who can blame her? Let me tell you something, the next time I see some dude fondling his huevos in public I'm going to so scratch my twat with equally smug pride -- I don't care if I'm walking down the red carpet with the Queen of England! That's what feminism is all about! Screw that bra-burning shit. We have every right to relieve our pruritus!

But back to your concern. Don't worry, while uncomfortable, pubic lice is easily treatable with OTC products available at any drustore. Or, if you're into holipstick medicine, try this special Hialeah cure: just wash every piece of fabric in your house in hot water, down three shots of Bacardi rum, watch the Chongalicious video and put a rooster's leg tied in fresh oregano leaves on the doorstep of that vermin you called lover for a night.

To prevent future incidents, find a full-length mirror and take a good look at yourself. What's up with screwing a douchebag with crabs? There's something to be said about moral inventory, honey! Wouldn't you inspect the basement before buying the house?

Second of all, yes it's dangerous to get oral sex from a giant mutated anything, unless it's Gene Simmons' tongue. And speaking of mutated things, I would not recommend idolizing a certain superhero who benefits from his spideresque powers to save the world. Who needs that kind of man? The only tangled web you want to weave is the one that involves your pubic hair and his teeth! Who needs a superhero who is too busy to neglect your sexual needs?

Having been blessed by the astrological sign of Scorpio, I must say there is absolutely nothing wrong with this extremely demented and highly disturbing Kafkaesque mis-en-scene. In fact, it's very important for any woman to be able to instantly whip out her stinger when cavorting with an asshole. Then again, he might enjoy having his tender bunghole ripped open by a sharp, irritating object. You just never know! My advice: if your sexual partners habitually turn into dangerous insects just prior to the walk of shame, you might consider laying off the designer vodka.

But whether your proclivities turn to the local jerk or the dandy tourist, make sure he covers his wanker with a rubber. Sure, you can deal with a case of crabs, but AIDS is not funny!

Just in case you're a scorpion who has been living under a rock for the past few weeks ... check out some brilliant spunkalicious chutzpah from Hialeah! PS ... lip gloss is not good sexual lubricant!

-- Steelclit question via email. Source: New Scientist. Advertisement for a French AIDS campaign: "Without a condom, you're making love with AIDS. Protect yourself."

tags: aids, chonga, parody, spiderman, sex