Celebrate Valentine's Day in Miami For Under $50

Seven tips from local expert Manola Blablablanik for celebrating Valentine’s Day in Miami without breaking the bank.

Filled with love but not with cash? No worries, you’re good. Love’s the important thing that money can’t buy. Love should be celebrated every day, even if your ass is broke.

Remember: you’re just broke, not broken-hearted.

LOW BROW ROMP
Even if you can afford rent in Miami, get off your Downton Abbey high horse and have sex like the rest of working-class Miami, bro. Take your sex life down a notch in class but not in fun and experience the glory of Miami’s world-renown motel rows, where the elite meet to cheat! Whether it’s Okeechobee Road or Calle Ocho, Miami’s skankalicious motels range from church-mouse modest ($25) to ultra tacky luxe ($50 +) with everything you need to bump uglies for two hours. You haven’t screwed like a proper porn star until you’ve done the deed surrounded by mirrored ceilings, disco lights and cheap porn in your sacred, Lysol-scented sex cave.

BEST MAKE-OUT SPOTS
Miami boasts beautiful outdoor spaces that are especially enjoyable in the cooler month of February. Yet playboy ballers spend a big wad for a room with an ocean view when the average parejita can see the same shit and swap spit for free in the city's loveliest playgrounds. Do the world a favor, if you've got those Benjamins, donate them to charity and smooch at these cheap not-so-secret spots instead: South Pointe Park, Matheson Hammock Park, Thalatta Estate Park or anywhere along the entire freakin’ east coast of Florida with a beach. Vete pa la playa y ya!

Access to Matheson Hammock and Thalatta Estate is through gorgeous, lush and dreamy Old Cutler Drive, where you’ll never find Miami’s iconic billboards advertising butt implants. If gawking at a gigantic culo is your idea of romantic, stick to the Palmetto Expressway and thank the board of plastic surgeons for providing every Miami come pinga with cheap thrills during rush hour.

HUNGRY AND HEARTFELT
Ever wonder why restaurants raise their prices on Valentine’s Day? Because fools rush in … not just to love, but to the same damn eats at higher prices. How about a picnic at one of the smooch-friendly parks or on the beach instead? Skip Sedano’s or El Presidente for stocking up the picnic basket. I’ll bet you a set of 5 thongs for $5 from Valsan that you’ll walk out of The Fresh Market with delicious food and a bottle of wine to make your heart sing for under $50. You can call it a “bespoke gourmet experience” but don’t say that within earshot of your Hialeah cousins because they’ll call you a come mierda.

Image: Cartoonstock

STAYCATION IN YOUR OWN CASA
Why spend hundreds of dollars on a luxury hotel room when you can give your home a despojo from football season and turn your bedroom into a love nest? Yes mujeres, there’s a reason why Valentine’s Day happens after the Superbowl. Now is the time to redeem your football widow points and exchange your viuda black dress for some lingerie. Throw out the sports paraphernalia and bring some real Miami heat into the bedroom with scented candles, soft sheets and sexy lingerie – all of which you can find at ño que barato for under $50.

Roses are beautiful but priced-gouged to bleed your pocket book on Valentine’s Day. Buy some cheaper flowers and spray the room with Agua de Rosas, the kind you’d buy for abuelita. Smells lovely, like Chanel minus the L. If you want to fengshueisar your bedroom, make sure the man cave is in a different part of the house. Ponte las pilas and be creative!

NETFLIX AND CHILL
When was the last time the two of you actually relaxed at home? There’s nothing wrong with Netflix and chill between couples. It’s when a cheap ass tacaño douchebag thinks of it as a first date that you know ese huevo no se merece ni la sal.

On Valentine’s Day, it’s easy to find chocolate-covered strawberries and a decent bubbly for under $50 – even at a gas station. Or maybe you prefer to indulge in something that isn’t a Valentine’s Day cliché, so pick up a jar of chocolate dipping sauce and buy a fresh bag of churros from the guy on the street corner in Hialeah. Whatever it is, do it with love. Maybe even turn your bathroom into a spa. Take a chocolate bath … but be careful, because la malanga resbala!

MORE FREE AND CHEAP IDEAS
Our buddies at Miami on the Cheap have their own list of Miami Valentine’s Day activities for the budget-conscious.

LOVE IS FREE
And remember … the important thing is to love, respect and honor each other every day. Your life doesn’t have to look like a Hallmark greeting card to feel like one. The best gift you can offer is your heart. Get your love on every day.

Funny Valentine

My parents recently celebrated their 53rd wedding anniversary and I'm spending today arranging for their hospice care.  Last year, my then boyfriend avoided the holiday and I remember walking in the rain to pick up some grub from a local restaurant.  I ate at home, completely alone, wondering why I would choose to love a man who didn't quite appreciate me.  He never deserved me.  And there's a pun there: de-serve. He rarely operated in the "service" of love.  In fact, he did me a great disservice.

But I'm none the worse for wear.  There are greater forms of love.  Pure love:  love that is boundless and that makes your heart swell, having nothing to do with romance or sex.

So this year, on this day, at least, I'm quite happy to be single and celibate, because I am enduring one of the greatest unconditional loves a human can experience: helping two people you cherish deeply make an end of life transition.  Yes, it sounds terribly sad, and it is, but there is also joy and dignity in your last days, just as there is joy and dignity when you begin your human journey out of the birth canal.

When I visit my mom at the skilled nursing facility, I sing to  Funny Valentine and other tunes to her.  I place my hand on her heart.  Her heartbeat was the first sound I ever heard in the womb and it's music to my ears.  The day it stops beating, her vibration and rhythm will still resonate within me.

And I'm sure my future husband will appreciate my capacity to love in this way.  See you soon, my funny valentine. Laughter with a infinite dose of love is the best medicine to help us heal.  What's keeping you, dear?  I know that if I ever walk in the rain again, it will be while holding your hand and we'll frolic like kids.

Hot Italian Sommelier Comes to Miami

It was a pleasure to break bread and clink a glass with Matteo Tosso, Italy's best sommelier, according to Guida Espresso.

I may not have a Valentine this year, but I did get to enjoy a media lunch with hottie Matteo Tosso at Anacapri in Coral Gables last week. Though young, Matteo has earned the prestigious rank of Best Sommelier from the Guida L'ESPRESSO 2012 -- it's the European version of Wine Spectator, but in a more beautiful language.

And speaking of language, nothing could top the day after listening to Matteo, his girlfriend (yes, of course he's taken!) and a Beni Di Batasolio winery rep wax poetically about the wines in English inflected with the lilting, lyrical tones of that ancient tongue.

Our actual tongues were none the worse for wear either, as we sipped several varieties of wine from the Barolo region of Piedmonte in northwest Italy. Matteo is the sommelier at La Rei, a restaurant attached to Il Boscareto, a luxury property in this wooded, hilly area. Even at the tender age of 26, Matteo has over ten years of hospitality and wine studies under his belt.

Now, to be fair, I haven't been to Il Boscareto, so I can't write about it. But after having lunch with these folks, I did feel transported to my own mental movie script -- think a cross between Under the Tuscan Sun and Eat, Pray, Love with some very delicious ending. And the Barbaresco wine with Anacapri's hearty spaghetti and meatballs didn't hurt. In fact, I may have to reconsider my opinion of Scarpetta's spaghetti, as a good red wine goes so well with a truly meaty meatball -- a meatball with substance.

During lunch, we spoke of romantic picnics, sneaking away to make love in the vineyards and the aphrodisiac properties of white truffles -- expensive and exclusive to the Barolo region. By dessert time, my Coral Gables repast had turned into a much needed Italian vacation for my imagination.

A tough job but somebody has to carb load.

But it wasn't all sexy talk and it wasn't all noodles. My favorite red was the Briccolina, somewhat dry yet fruity and sweet enough to make a great accompaniment for our third course, grilled steak and arugula.

Which got me thinking: what's a sexy drink for Valentine's Day? The sweet Moscato D'Asti with fresh peaches and lemon gelato might be a good way to start or end the evening. Heck, any evening for that matter, when love is in the air. You can find Batasolio winery selections at Milam's, Crown Liquors, Epicure, Doral Wine and Spirits and of course, at Anacapri restaurants.

Don't be surprised if this story continues with a dispatch from Italy later this year. Sex and the Beach loves to cover romantic travel anywhere near or around a body of water, but I think a good glass of Barolo could count as a liquid equivalent. If I can't find a husband in Miami, maybe there's one abroad waiting to give me big baci e abbracci sometime in the future, which reminds me, I need to renew my passport!

Valentine's Day in Miami for Single Schmucks

Cartoon by yours truly drawn at The Abbey, South Beach in '07.

I hate Valentine's Day. No, no, not because I'm single, but because every freakin' establishment has some kind of Valentine's Day special that makes it impossible for single people to have a normal dinner or drink anywhere. Everything is for two: dinner for two, drinks for two, hotel room for two, massage for two ... bla bla bla. What's next? Colonoscopies? Yeah, whatever. On this holiday, try making a reservation for yourself or a group of friends and you'll be treated like a leper.

Surely, there must be something for single people to do on Valentine's Day here in the Magic City. How about these exciting options?

• Dinghy out to the "Piano Bar" on Biscayne Bay and have a picnic for one.
• Go to an AA meeting. You're bound to meet someone perfectly codependent there.
• Hang out with the pervs under the Julia Tuttle causeway. They get it; they aren't welcome anywhere either.
• Make a dinner reservation at The Forge for two then pretend you were stood up and make a scene. See feathers ruffle. OMG!
  

Ok, seriously. I'm kidding! Here are some actual legit options for those of us who aren't in relationships.

BOWLING
Nothing says "screw you, love" like slamming a heavy ball against hapless pins. Splitsville at Sunset Place in South Miami isn't catering to couples but to all lovers of bowling. Expect the following on Monday, February 14: $3 per person per game, $2 shoe rental, $5 well liquors, starting at 4 PM until close. Plus additional happy hour specials 4 to 7 PM. And if you're in the mood to celebrate singlehood with bubbly, consider 50% off premium champagne on this special day.

MOVIES
Thank goodness for Coral Gables Art Cinema, a Sex and the Beach favorite, because after years of no cinematheques, we now we have independent, alternative movies in the City Beautiful once again, with easy, inexpensive parking next door. It's cool, civilized, smart and an utterly refreshing escape from the every day. Imagine going to a movie in Miami-Dade with no chongas from Hialeah making out with their papis while smacking gum in the seat behind you. All this without having to pay the $15 ass-rape parking fees of South Beach.

On Valentine's Day, you won't want to miss the 9 PM showing of My Dog Tulip, an animated film about a confirmed British bachelor who gives up on love and finds a great companion in an adopted dog. The film, based on the novel by J.R. Ackerley, features the voices of Isabella Rossellini, Christopher Plummer and the late Lynn Redgrave.

SINGIN' THE BLUES
It's business as usual at Tobacco Road on Monday, February 14, as they'll be most likely recovering from their big Valentine's Day bash on Saturday. So if you're feelin' blue, go lend an ear to Big Papa E at Miami's oldest bar. It's free ... yes, you heard that right. No cover!

DOUCHE YOUR SOUL
When Jane Austen wrote about truths universally acknowledged, she obviously forgot to mention that you would never be bored by the characters who show up at Club Deuce in South Beach. I don't care what day of the year it is, Club Deuce is an alkaline cleanser for your acidic soul. And just like the Catholic Church, the Deuce takes in all us lonely, wayward idiots without judgment. You needn't wear your Sunday best, but leave the plastic at home. It's cash only and no fake people, either.

MOONLIGHT MUSIC
I'm pretty sure that "music under the stars" was an inalienable right under the U.S. constitution for all people -- not just couples. I almost hesitate to recommend this, but I love the Deering Estate and at $20 a pop for a groovy harpist, it just seems like a really cool thing to do, regardless. Grab your friends and fill up the picnic basket, but leave the coolers at home. They're not allowed.