Monday, June 12, 2006

BYOB: Exxxotica Miami Beach

Manola News, Miami Beach, June 11, 2006 - BRING YOUR OWN BATTERIES! With all the sex toys abuzz at the Miami Beach Convention Center this weekend, Miami Beach definitely felt some good vibes at Exxxotica -- the East coast's largest adult event billed as “A Celebration of Sexy." Manola Blablablanik also celebrates sexy as part of her daily routine, so she ventured out from under her rock to learn how to celebrate even sexier with a set of triple AAA batteries in her pocket and a press badge clipped onto her ample bosom.

exxxotica miami beach

[Warning: Some of the following links do reveal some explicit images. If you are at work, shame on you! And if you are under 18, you shouldn't even be reading Sex and the Beach!]


glass sex toy

No sooner did Manola start patrolling the exhibitor booths than she discovered the first of several non-battery and battery-operated items. The gentleman on the left handed Manola this space-age glass dildo, which was warm to the touch. The glass sex toys manufactured by Know Mind come in all shapes and sizes, are safe to use and are so beautifully sculpted, they could easily double as a tchotchke for your coffee table.


vibrating sex toy

Ladies, here's a case of crabs that's actually good and good for you. Manola personally endorses this cute little crustacean, received as a gift courtesy of Loving Craby and shown here in the hands of a convention model. On those days when you feel your man is nothing more than a whining overgrown mammal, give this fella a try.


golden penis world erotic art museum

Oh look! It's bigger than Colin Farrell's penis! Here is the famous golden phallus regularly on display at the World Erotic Museum on Miami Beach. For a mere ten dollars, attendees could pose with the shiny wonder.


sex toy parties

This hot mamma, owner of Simple Pleasures, knows how to throw a good party. What could be better than a girls' night out staying in buying fun and funky products for the bedroom in a discreet environment?

One of the more interesting products for sale at hot mamma's booth was the Chinese Shrinking Cream. On those days when your man complains about your vagina being larger than the trunk of his SUV, you can, after hitting him on the head with a frying pan, still please him by applying this lotion to tighten your sweet spot. Hot mamma also recommended using a pair of benwa balls to do kiegel exercises while walking around the house doing menial chores.


Ah, the world of sex is full of contradictions. One minute, your vagina is too loose and the next it's so tight that your man gets out of bed and heads for the garage for a quart of motor oil. After hitting him on the head with a frying pan, you suggest he slather you with this marvellous lubricant, which is odorless and non-sticky. Plus, it reactivates with water or saliva!

water-based lubricant


The inventor of My Buddy is very proud of his creation! On those days when you've had enough of hitting your husband on the head with a frying pan and he "volunteers" to sleep on the couch, here is a buddy you can always count on for consolation!

mountable sex toy


protesters at exxxotica miami beach

According to a group of protesters staged across the sidewalk at the Miami Beach Convention Center, each and everyone us present was a sex-obsessed heathen who will burn in hell!

Even Manola, with all her gripes about anal sex, would not give a damn about what folks do behind closed doors. And even if she did, it wouldn't do a girl proud to vociferate. After all, try standing on a soap box wearing platform heels!

Free speech rules and so does the celebration of sex!

And now if you don't mind, Manola must run to the store for a fresh pack of batteries!


Special thanks to Woody Graber of VT Shows for the press badge!

Tired of reading the Miami Herald? Try the Sex Herald instead.


mkhall said...

You are such a good person, to brave the pits of depravity and report back to us all.

Anonymous said...

How come you didn't call me to go with you? Next time, next time. BTW: this was an awesome article...pixs great too.

Maria de los Angeles said...

Dear Readers,

Spam is not sexy; not even in its canned form -- but Sex and the Beach is, and now Blogger is supposedly reviewing yours truly as a spam blog, shutting Manola down until further notice. Apparently, they suspect Manola is not a real person, so if you don't mind, please tell them here that Manola is not a figment of someone's spamination!

In the meantime, there will be no new bla bla bla on SATB. Feel free to browse old posts for your regular dose of Manola.

Yours truly,


Maria de los Angeles said...

And by the way:

MKH - the pit of depravity sure had some nice undies for sale!

miamigirl - I would've loved to go with you as a team reporter! Just imagine, the two of us walking into that convention beaming with sexiness! We would've upstaged the porn star du jour, for sure! In the meantime, let's hire hot mamma for a party!

Anonymous said...

I'm sure it's a fluke Manola... you're anything but spam.

Anonymous said...

Excellent Report, very informative and graphic...

Anonymous said...

So Blogger is going to read this? Perfect.

Manola not real? There are pictures of her as a flirtatious child, pictures of her in a pool with a phallic flotation device, pictures of her with her hair down, pictures of her with her hair up (yesssss, hair up...*dreaming*).....of course she's real.

Furthermore, Blogger people, you need to be concentrating your efforts on learning how to keep a server farm up and running, not harassing innocent clients like Manola. With the resources of Google behind you, you would think that wouldn't be such a challenging proposition. But you guys prove me wrong every week.

Blogger people! Let. Her. Post. Let. Her. Post. Let. Her. Post. Let. Her. Post.


White Dade said...

First off, "Chinese Shrinking Cream?" Where do I start with that one? Second, I have an ex that used those "around the house balls" things and aside form using them while driving down bumpy roads, she said they were pretty much useless. I am upset I missed this convention, though. Maybe next year, maybe next year.

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Grey said...

Awesome time. i loved it.