Gus the Grouper: More Than Just A Fish: Interview with Jeremy Wade

The third and final part of a series on angling and conservation in Florida focused on the Goliath Grouper. Inspired by Jeremy Wade’s by-catch at Fort Pierce Inlet, which was broadcast on River Monsters, the series looks at many different ways of interpreting this fish and its relationship to human interests. Click here for all posts labeled “gus the grouper.”

A magnificent Goliath photographed by master underwater photographer Doug Kahle.

HOW GUS GOT HIS NAME

"His name is Gus," Don Voss said.  The Vietnam veteran turned diver and sailor, spoke in a gruff voice but was sweet in his demeanor. "Yeah, I recognize the fish. I saw him around the time Jeremy caught him. He's still around."

Goliath groupers have a mottled exterior with particular markings that make them recognizable from other fish of the same species, so it's not unusual that Voss knew the fish when he saw him on TV. Voss, who was recently nominated for an Ocean Heroes award, spends a considerable amount of time underwater; he organizes diving trips during slack tide to remove marine debris from Fort Pierce and surrounding inlets through the Marine Cleanup Initiative.

SO WHAT HAPPENED?

The controversial photo that frustrated many Florida conservationists.

A group of conservation-minded divers became upset when River Monsters broadcasted an accidental by-catch of a Goliath grouper near Fort Pierce Inlet.  The catch took place last summer when Wade returned to Florida to film a targeted bull shark catch in the Indian River Lagoon for the season four premiere, American Killers.  (Watch the segment at Animal Planet online.)

I learned about the issue through the River Monsters Facebook page. (River Monsters on Facebook has since blocked its wall, so I cannot link to the original discussion.)

I researched the matter and was mortified.  Here I am preaching conservation and I had previously posted a photo of Jeremy Wade with Gus above the water; possessing the fish in such a manner is illegal according to the Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission (FWC). The problem was not the catch itself -- a by-catch is often unavoidable -- it was how the fish was handled for the camera and how no information was immediately available to audiences in the show's footnotes about the sensitive status of the species.

To be fair, Animal Planet does state that Goliath groupers are "fully protected" on the Discovery Channel website, but there is no reference to FWC regulations about handling the fish once it is caught.   Yet titling a video "How to Catch a Goliath Grouper" is potentially misleading to a naive public.

GOLIATH GROUPER REGULATIONS

Goliath groupers, formerly known as Jewfish, grow to monumental size and were nearly wiped out in the 20th century from careless fisheries management. Goliaths congregate when they spawn and anglers would slaughter entire schools.  Overfishing nearly led to extinction.

A former trophy fish, the Goliath grouper is now a protected species on the federal and state level. You can catch a Goliath, but possession and harvest of the fish illegal.  The sheer weight of the fish can cause its internal organs to collapse when subject to gravity.  As well,  the air bladder of a grouper will expand when raised to the surface from deep water, though many Goliaths are caught in relatively shallow areas.  If you catch one, try your best to release the hook while keeping the fish submerged underwater.

In practice though, a fisherman sometimes has to decide immediately on behalf of the animal's welfare whether it's better to cut the line at the leader, leaving the hook in the mouth, or to bring the fish above water in order to release the hook -- neither are easy tasks if the fish is still fighting.

And then there's a matter of photos. You're not supposed to mess with Goliaths unless you have a special license for scientific research or filming purposes. As stated on the FWC website: "The taking of photographs after removal of hooks and posing for pictures with goliaths is not considered an immediate release of the fish."

I had to ask myself: could Jeremy Wade, an angler whom I respect, who inspires many folks with his adventures -- some even consider him a mentor of sorts -- really have egregiously violated an FWC regulation on an internationally broadcast TVseries?

So I started to make a few phone calls.  Again, the issue wasn't that he caught one -- that happened by accident while he was targeting a bull shark. The matter was that River Monsters broadcast the catch without footnoting or explaining the protected status of this species with greater detail.  In the photo, it's obvious that the fish is above water.  As well, according to an FWC staffer I spoke to who wished to remain anonymous, no one from the production team had applied for a special research or filming license.

And this from a renown angler who promotes conservation as well as catch and release. In the Goliath Tigerfish episode shot in Africa, Wade seems very remorse about an impressive specimen that perished after a fight.  Wade doesn't come across as a Hemingway macho kind of angler.  Behind the toughened face of this 50-something explorer, there's a sensitive conservationist.

As an angler, I can relate. The attraction to the sport is rather perverse and contradictory. Let's face it, you're basically harassing a creature that wants nothing to do with you.  The fish serves no purpose unless you're going to eat it, yet you want to thank the fish because it fulfills your quest for the hunt and the story. And you certainly don't want to kill it, even though you risk a fish's life every time you cast a line in the water.

I know. That's screwed up.

Still, I expected more from Jeremy Wade. I was disappointed. And the fact that it happened in Florida, my own backyard, didn't make me happy.

THE RESEARCH

Epinephelus itajara aka Goliath Grouper. Photo by Albert Kok via Creative Commons.

I spoke with local divers, fishing guides, scientists, historians, FWC and even Wade himself on the subject.

I also spoke to Mark Palmer, the guide who took Jeremy Wade out fishing that fateful night when Gus bit into bait that was intended for a bull shark.  Palmer, a former shark fishing legend in semi-retirement, assured me everything was done by the books.  "You should see my fishing team," he said. "We're like a Nascar pit stop. We catch and release very quickly. The River Monsters film crew did the same."

Throughout many conversations, fishing guides complained about divers and divers complained about anglers.  I learned about political lobbies that affect commercial fisherman as well as recreational ones. Some fisherman were upset about the restrictions imposed by FWC, claiming that Goliaths are gluttonous predators who decimate populations of their prey like lobster and snapper.

A no-fishing zone in the Dry Tortugas -- a group of islands 70 miles off Key West, proves otherwise, according to scuba instructor Amy Lesh. Populations thrive without invasive species and human intervention. "The no-take zone in the Tortugas is protected marine area," she told me over the phone. "Fish live in balance.  Groupers, snappers and lobsters co-exist with no one species wiping out the other. I've seen it with my own eyes."

After the phone calls, emails were exchanged with Discovery Channel and Icon Film staff (Icon Films, a production company in Bristol, England, produces River Monsters).  If I were to really get into this, I'd have not one blog post but an entire book.  So I'm going to try to get down to brass tacks in this already long post.

In the middle of all this mess is Gus, of course. He has no idea.

THE PLEASURE OF SPORT FISHING COMES WITH RESPONSIBILITY

Celebrity anglers like Jeremy Wade have great influence. But when something like this slides off the hook (excuse the terrible pun), he loses credibility. He certainly did lose respect from most of the divers I spoke to, although to be fair, many of them had only seen this one particular segment about Gus.

But the diving community makes a great point.  Goliath groupers aren't killers. They're gentle giants.  I can see why they took exception to Gus being on film, even though Wade's grouper in Florida was an accidental by-catch.

Dr. Sarah Frias Torres, a marine ecologist and biological oceanographer at the Ocean Research and Conservation Association in Fort Pierce who specializes in Goliath grouper research, spoke to me over the phone about the human story in relation to this marine megafauna. "The 1950s saw a renewed craze for Goliath fishing," she said. "People would eat grouper cheeks as a delicacy but the rest of the fish would be turned to cat food or fertilizer. Because of their size, sometimes their carcasses would be used to smuggle drugs to New York."

Fishing practices in the past were rather appalling by today's conservation standards.  But it's precisely this kind of overfishing that led to a moratorium on Goliath grouper fisheries.

"River Monsters painted an image of the Goliath grouper being a terrible monster," she said. "But nothing could be further from the truth.  They behave like friendly Golden Retriever dogs. They are curious and come to you. He was violating the 1990 moratorium on Goliath fishing by bringing it above water."

But Torres admitted she had seen other River Monster episodes. "I'm not against fisherfolk and I think Jeremy Wade is doing a great job of delivering a conservation message," she continued. "It's just that something was wrong in this particular segment."

And there's the rub. TV networks and production companies should espouse serious corporate responsibility in airing wildlife programming. Now, as a small fry filmmaker myself, I know a money shot when I see one and understand the pressure of location scouting, scheduling and other challenging logistics, but there are the consequences to what ends up on the editing table.  I do think this comes down to an ethical decision.

Someone as influential as Jeremy Wade has the power to teach conservation on so many levels and yet you see this:

(Since River Monsters closed its Facebook wall, links to other posts are currently unavailable. I only recorded these two screenshots.)

And to make matters worse, Blair Bunting was hired to shoot Jeremy Wade with a dummy Goliath grouper in the shallow waters off Florida.  The image of Wade battling a grouper became the headline for the entire 2012 series when you are not, under any circumstances -- at least in Florida -- supposed to fight a Goliath with your bare hands above water.  The photography is stunning and the process fascinating, but it's easy to see how this would offend anyone who's taking a stand for Gus.

(Read about the shoot and see the photos at Blair Bunting.  Duly noted, the company -- which clearly produces amazing photography -- removed a video about the shoot out of respect to animal right's groups.)

The visually beautiful but controversial image used in Animal Planet publicity.

Now, even after having spoken to many impassioned divers who rightfully defend their claim of kinship with finny creatures, I was about to let this go.  And one day, a source leaked a private letter to me from FWC that River Monsters had, in fact, "officially" violated the Goliath grouper regulation, although the original anonymous staffer I spoke to made no claim on behalf of the commission.

I followed up with a phone call to Katie Purcell, the Communications Relations Coordinator for the Division of Law Enforcement at FWC.  "We are supportive of the show coming to Florida," she said. "We have contacted the production team with information on the regulations."

But this was after the catch. If they notice a photo of the fish online, FWC might simply slap you on the wrist with a letter.  Caught with the fish in your hands, the creature dead or alive, you get a citation with a court date. The judge then determines your fine, according to FWC's Miami law enforcement office.

PROTECT INSTINCTIVELY

 The best way to photograph a Goliath. Photo via ORCA by W. Stearns.

Jeremy Wade himself admitted to me over the phone that they could have done more to discuss the protected nature of the species.  Discovery Channel, Animal Planet and Icon followed suit on his statement.

Wade himself is an avid diver. After my phone rang with the 44 code from England, he told me right away that he had just returned from practice dives in a cold quarry.  "I can sympathize with the diver's point of view," he said.

"We have a limit of what we can include in the show," he continued. "But I'm very glad people are concerned about welfare of all fish. Legislation has a place but people should just protect instinctively."

"No fish species should be singled out, education should be across the board for all species," he added.

Goliaths are predators, and smart ones at that, to which Wade opined.  "It's good to see populations returning.  Don't cull a predator.  Their presence is a sign of a healthy ecosystem."

IN CONCLUSION

Many lawless Floridians would take this to mean open season on a fish that is only monstrous in size.

Is Jeremy Wade an unconscientious angler because of his hook and line encounter with Gus the Grouper? No, I do not believe he is.  In fact, he may have done the Goliath a big favor by indirectly bringing the issue to light; I would encourage him to make additional statements about species conservation in Florida.

Wade's final comment: "If we get too preachy, no one would watch, but yes, in hindsight we could have added more detail about the state of the Goliath."

In spite of all the dramatic music and editing, River Monsters is still one of the best, if not the best, TV productions on sports fishing and the ethnographical as well as anthropological connections between fish and human culture.  The two are inseparable.

But there's another side to this story. Were the Florida conservationists and divers justified in their assessment about Gus the Grouper being ill-treated on TV and in network publicity? Yes, they had every right to be. And I stand by that, too.

There's a good ending here, though, at least in the sense of an opportunity for education.

For one, one of the divers actually asked me to relay a message of good faith to Jeremy Wade: come to Florida and dive with the groupers.  "Get to know them," she said.

And not all fishermen want to see open season on Goliath groupers. Tom McLaughlin, a fishing guide who owns Another Keeper Charters on the gulf coast of Florida, is part of a tagging and DNA study that will help us better understand Goliath behavior.  McLaughlin "sells" Goliath trips -- remember, it's not illegal to catch them; it's how you handle them that matters.

The study is timely, according to McLaughlin.  "Biologists don't know enough about fishing and fishermen don't know enough about biology," he said.  "We are building a special raft to tag the groupers without lifting them out of the water. We will take measurements and examine stomach contents without harming the fish."

"The harvest of Goliaths should be limited by catch and geographic zone," he continued. "We don't want a repeat of the time when they were wiped out.  That would be the danger of doing a full open season."

In a follow-up email, Mclaughin reminded me that Goliath laws also vary depending on jurisdiction.  "It's not illegal to remove Goliath in federal waters in the Gulf of Mexico if the angler deems it best for the safe hook removal or venting of the fish," he wrote. "This is not true for federal waters in the Atlantic."

WHAT YOU CAN DO

A friend of mine took a photo of  5 ft. Goliath washed up dead by the shore of a Miami bayfront park. Cause of death unknown. Via grantstern.com.

If a major TV corporation doesn't want to bother with educating the public thoroughly, well then it's up to individuals like myself and YOU the outdoors enthusiast reading this to be a steward of the environment.  As Wade says above, "protect instinctively."

If you are going to fish in Florida or any where else on earth for that matter, make sure you understand that it's not a "free for all" in rivers or oceans. We are at a point in fisheries management where the utmost care must be taken to protect fish if we are going to indulge in the sport, let alone harvest them as food source -- and neither Jeremy Wade nor the divers would disagree with that.

Take a moment to check out the resources below to learn about wildlife regulations and Goliath groupers.  And if you happen to dive near Fort Pierce Inlet, make sure you wave at every Goliath you see -- it could be Gus or one of his offspring.

RESOURCES

Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission
Goliath Grouper Studies at Oceanographic Research Conservation Association with Dr. Torres
Marine Cleanup Initiative
Underworld Photography by Doug Kahle
Jupiter Dive Center
Jim Abernethy's Scuba Adventures
Ocean Research and Conservation Association
Restore Florida Bay

Jeremy Wade and Monster Rivers of the Imagination

Close up of Jeremy Wade holding up Shark teeth and jaw in Australia.  Photo: Animal Planet.

Season 4 of River Monsters ended last night with Lair of the Giants -- a beautifully photographed, two-hour series of exploration on the Essequibo River in Guyana. Jeremy Wade wends his way deep into the forests to arrive at a secret lake where he catches what is apparently a new species of arapaima.

What seduced me was not only the fertile but forbidding landscape where life seems undisturbed by human intervention, but also the many parallels with literature of exploration in this region of South America and beyond.

Jeremy Wade makes several impressive catches here, but in the spirit of magical realism, I expected butterflies to rain a la Gabriel García Marquez.

Guyanese author Wilson Harris’ Palace of the Peacock came to mind -- the first installment of The Guyana Quartet. The narrator is a dreamer in this tale about a doomed crew making its way up a Guyana river and the colonial politics of the savannahs.

The bodies of water flow but are impenetrable as the land. I couldn't help but think of Werner Herzog’s film Fitzcarraldo  -- the quixotic quest to bring opera to the frontier requires delivering a riverboat through thick jungle. Jeremy Wade’s task of portaging a heavy dugout canoe over logs to avoid the rapids seemed no less daunting, if on a smaller scale.

My mind then turned to Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness. Set in Africa, traveling up river is a geographical and psychological journey. Its modern film interpretation, Apocalypse Now, is a story about war and battling one's inner demons, set on a river that is in many ways a central character.

It seems that rivers bring out the best and worst -- the monsters within that are caught and assuaged without rod and reel.

Jeremy Wade with an arapaima caught in a previous season in Brazil. Photo: Animal Planet.

The myth of El Dorado was alive and well in Lair of the Giants, when Jeremy Wade decides to go up river because gold-seeking vessels close to civilization interfere with the natural balance of wildlife.

And finally, while seeing Jeremy Wade stand on a ledge over a powerful waterfall, I thought about the inspiration at the spring well of rivers, the source of mysteries. The moment echoes Alejo Carpentier’s masterpiece, The Lost Steps. In the novel, a New York composer searches for the origins of music in the jungles of South America. He travels up river and finds what he was looking for -- only to lose it again once he returns to civilization. His reason for leaving? He needs pen and paper in order to sketch a great musical work. The one secret path to Eden in the thickets of the river banks is forever gone.

Such is the life of an explorer. Being present in the moment yet recording what has past must be bittersweet.

RIVER MONSTERS

There’s no official word yet if River Monsters will continue with a Season 5, though rumor has it Jeremy Wade has been fishing in Lake Champlain.

By the way, my Gus the Grouper series has yet to be completed. I’ve been “in the moment” myself, tarpon fishing on the gulf coast of Florida. More fishing and fishing-inspired stories to come.

Jeremy Wade of River Monsters Tackles Giant Fish in Florida and Proves Noodles Aren't Just Ramen

Jeremy Wade visits a taxidermy shop in Stuart to confirm the existence of large gar. Reminds me of Quint's famous line in JAWS: "Taxidermy man gonna have a heart attack."

Season 4 of River Monsters kicked off last night after a live fan chat, so I finally get to share my thoughts on the episode, which is of particular interest to us here at Sex and the Beach, since the first segment of American Killers takes place in Florida.

WATER WATER EVERYWHERE AND LOTS OF PISCINE CRITTERS

It's no surprise Jeremy Wade alighted here last year in search of potentially dangerous fish. The state is a peninsula surrounded by the Atlantic, the gulf of Mexico and influenced by one of world's most formidable underwater currents, the Gulf Stream. Floridians live on giant porous rock with a flowing subterranean aquifer.

As a Floridian, I would have enjoyed seeing Jeremy Wade explore deeper into the backcountry, where freshwater runs from spring-fed sources. But some of those areas are still relatively untouched by human habitation, so the danger to humans is minimal. It's the tidal rivers that are of concern and sometimes man-made urban canals, though I have yet to hear of anyone crazy enough to swim in one -- they're ominously murky and home to alligators, probably a few dead bodies and submerged trash, too.

THE INDIAN RIVER

In the Season 4 opener, Jeremy Wade explores sections of the Indian River Lagoon system, 156 miles of tidal estuarine environment stretching from Ponce de Leon inlet just south of New Smyrna Beach to Jupiter Inlet just south of Stuart. Many spots in this area of Florida remain relatively uncrowded and free from coastal urban congestion -- compared to the waterfront concrete jungles of Miami, anyway -- but it's by no means remote from human habitation. Communities along the Indian River are a laid-back haven for water babies who love fishing, swimming and water sports.

(It's also beautiful drive, by the way, especially if you wander up or down A1A from Hutchinson Island to Sebastian Inlet.)

Earlier today, I spoke over the phone with Mark Perry, executive director of Florida Oceanographic Society in Stuart, about the waterway. "It's a mix of freshwater and saltwater," said Perry. "Five tidal inlets through barrier islands make up the system, plus freshwater rivers and creeks that run off into the lagoon. Sometimes we get freshwater discharge from Lake Okeechobee, but that doesn't last long as the tide flows in."

To paint a mental picture, this isn't a freshwater "landlocked" river. It's a body of water in between the peninsula and barrier islands, a common geographical feature on most of Florida's east coast. I'm not quite sure what makes a river a proper river in this case, instead of a bay. Biscayne Bay isn't considered a river, but it's the same thing -- a body of water in between the mainland and the barrier islands. (The Matanzas in St. Augustine is another example of a beautiful tidal river that runs parallel to the mainland.)

Natural history aside, the cultural background of the Indian River is also quite interesting.

This river was originally named Ais after the Indian tribe that lived there in pre-colonial times. In the heyday of the Spanish Main, treasure-laden galleons, led astray from the Gulf Stream by fierce storms, wrecked on the coast just outside the barrier islands. Marauding pirates would lie in ambush or attack the encampments of shipwreck survivors.

It's in this region of Florida, known as the Treasure Coast, so naturally and historically rich, where Jeremy Wade catches a giant 350 pound Goliath grouper as well as a 6-foot juvenile bull shark.

(He also loses a tarpon and mentions that some folks have been killed by the jumping predators, which I have never thought twice about when tarpon fishing. For great tarpon jumping action, by the way, head to Robbie's Marina in the Florida Keys to hand feed the king of the backcountry.)

In the episode, Jeremy Wade interviews a shark victim from one of the local beaches. She makes a great point -- be aware if you swim in the early morning or early evening, when predatory fish are feeding. And yes, if you see bait fish jumping, that's probably because something bigger is chasing them. Anglers are used to seeing these fish behaviors off the surface of water.

GROUPER ISN'T A NEW DAILY DEALS SITE


But forget the sharks. The grouper had me scratching my head. Goliath groupers -- a prohibited species at the time of publication -- spawn offshore and usually congregate around reef structures. Juveniles grow up in brackish mangrove estuaries. What was a monster doing off a beach near Fort Pierce inlet?

Mark Perry confirmed that they do sometimes dwell inshore. "Goliath groupers are definitely in the area around docks and near inlets."

So anglers, take note and prepare your heavy tackle. A 350 pound Goliath grouper like that caught off a beach by Fort Piece was definitely impressive, even if it wasn't in a deep inland river.

HOLY CATFISH!

Later on in the show, Jeremy Wade fishes for alligator gar in Texas and giant catfish in Missouri. But I'm going to fast forward to noodling in Oklahoma, which I think was the best segment, as it reveals Jeremy Wade in a state of trepidation about this fishing technique.

A quick look around the internet tells me it's an "ancient fishing practice" though it would only be truly ancient if natives living on the continent were doing it long before the pilgrims landed on Plymouth.

But speaking of rebellious Christians, there's something oddly religious about the practice of noodling -- dunking your body underwater, sticking your hand down a dark hole only to have a territorial fish that's protecting its nest clamp down on your hand, with your fellow anglers spotting you just in case the fish sucks you down. It seems like a baptismal ritual, a "come to Jesus" moment.

At one point, Jeremy Wade describes it "as a stupid thing to do," and surely, it is dangerous, but if it really is a truly American fishing practice -- even dating back to native cultures -- then it should be respected as yet one of the thousands of ways folks harvest fish out of any body of water, in a non-invasive, ecologically friendly way. It's really almost like hand-to-hand combat, with the fisherman at a great disadvantage.

(By the way, the catfish in this episode, which Jeremy Wade catches for a competition with his noodling guides, are released and not killed for consumption. This is a good thing, considering the fish are spawning. I just wonder if the parents make it back to their nests.)

Noodling is clearly a strong midwestern fishing tradition. In the episode, Jeremy Wade remarks that this kind of fishing is "mad" but does prove America is the land of the brave.

Good grief, I don't have a brave bone in my body, if that's the case. I think I'll stick to rod and reel. The only noodling I want to be involved with requires broth and vegetables!

River Monsters will continue to air in the coming weeks on Sundays at 10 PM.

All photo credits: Animal Planet

On Jeremy Wade, River Monsters Season 4 and Digressions That Have Nothing To Do With Fishing

Ladies, do you know what our Hurricane Season Boyfriend has been doing since we last featured him in June 2011? Well, of course, fearlessly chasing river monsters around the world, but he did make a pit stop stateside to unravel the mystery of dangerous American creatures -- and he wasn't even following political candidates on the campaign trail!

Just in case you forgot, Hurricane Season Boyfriend is an annual series here at Sex and the Beach -- a pantheon of famous and sometimes infamous celebrities we'd want for chores around the house when another Category 5 hits the peninsula of Florida. Yes, because it's not a question of if it hits again, but when.

In 2011, Jeremy Wade blew the competition out of the water like a school of mullet freaking out over a pursuing tarpon.

Ladies, if you think your life is hard, just imagine being a 1-pound fish worrying constantly about being gulped down the cavernous mouth of a 100-pound fish that is basically nothing more than a Dyson vacuum with fins. Please donate your Xanax to the Mullet Anxiety Disorder Foundation. Sharing is caring.

Anyway, Jeremy Wade earned this exclusive, much coveted honor because anglers tend to be very handy in crisis situations -- especially foolhardy, obsessive ones -- which is basically synonymous with being a good angler. They know courage. They know determination. They know patience. They know tools. They catch dinner. And they tell good stories. You get my point.

So on April 1 -- yes, April Fool's Day -- all us fishing fools waiting with "baited" breath will be glued to our TVs for the season 4 premiere of River Monsters: American Killers.

How ironic! American Killers airs two weeks before taxes are due. You see, big fish should be caught with big taxes. Small fish should be caught with small taxes. You can't catch a shark with a cane pole and you can't catch a mullet with a shark rig.

Ladies, if you aren't familiar with rigs, here's a primer. A rig is the way you tie together the business end of a fishing rod, the point of contact between you and fish: bait, lures, hook, leaders, sinkers and so on -- all connected to the line.

You know how you prepare ahead of time what you're going to wear on a night out on the prowl? A rig is somewhat the same.

It's all about tackle balance. A shark rig would be one aspect of the complete "outfit" you'd need to pull a speeding semi truck out of the water with your own weight at the butt end of the rod, much in the same way you choose a slutty, head-turning black dress instead of schmatte to lure a sugar daddy into your arms.

Fishing is a seduction strategy of sorts, albeit a more rustic kind. Not that yours is any classier, mind you.

And speaking of shark rigs, it seems our Jeremy Wade was in Florida checking some monsters in our own backyard, without even having paid a visit to our governor!

Possible bull sharks in rivers? Goliath groupers up stream? Oh my!


I can understand the bull shark -- in a previous season, Jeremy Wade recounted shark attack reports on Australia's Gold Coast in a lake ironically called Miami. In the River Monsters book, he describes Miami Lake as "a high density development where trimmed lawns go right down to the water."

Sound familiar, my Floridians?

Yeah, but the only difference is that here you wouldn't find some Housewife of Bal Harbour in an intracoastal channel using her Louis Vuitton bag as a flotation device.

It does make me wonder though: when I was a little girl, I would see sharks in the canals by the Coral Gables waterway. But they were most likely nurse sharks and not the notorious minotaurs of the seas.


In any case, what the hell was a big-ass grouper doing up a river? I thought groupers spawned in the ocean and only juveniles lived in estuaries for protection. And I wonder if unusual migratory patterns are related to a grouper's ability to change sex according to the number of available mates.

Yes, I know some of you do this at South Beach clubs regularly, but it's not the same.

And truth be told, if Jeremy Wade wants to see some real Florida maritime predators, he should stop by South Beach on a Sunday afternoon in peak tourist season. They live on sand, not shore. Some of them have fake boobs, speak with Eastern European accents and carry roofies for their unsuspecting prey. Others wear gold chains and stuff big wads of cash in their speedos to lure two-legged blonde fowl. They prey on each other. It's amazing they've evolved so far without species annihilation.

Oh, what the hell do I know? That's why there's good folk like Jeremy Wade to explain these mysteries.

As for the bull sharks and groupers, we have more questions than answers at this point, so I reckon we'll have to tune in April 1st on Animal Planet for the two-hour season opener starting at 9 PM (ET/PT). The series will air regularly on Sundays at 10 PM.

Actually, I've seen a press teaser for the first episode, but you'll have to gut hook me for a spoiler ... and ladies, I'm not going to show you that technique. That's bad fishing.

You, however, can see this one:



All photo credits: Animal Planet

FISH ON! Hurricane Season Boyfriend 2011

Oh great. The nation's dicktip looks like it's inflamed with herpes!

It's June 1, ladies and here we go again ... another six months of grueling anticipation that reminds us of love: "expect the worst, hope for the best." That's hurricane season for ya and if you're single, it's always helpful to have a man around, a real man with true grit who cannot only keep us entertained in those long, sweaty, mosquito-infested nights, but can also do a few things around the house.

In years past, we have showered Harry Connick, Jr. with love because he could sing us sweet lullabies while rescuing people from receding floods. We also admired Chef Robert Irvine's biceps and no-nonsense, wicked talent in the most spartan of kitchens. We even thanked God for bringing us lusty Father Alberto, who left the church to fulfill his carnal needs, but who could at least put in a good word with God about diverting storms to Palm Beach County.

You just never know what's going to happen each hurricane season -- some years can produce fierce storms and others blow no more wind than a hamster fart. The same goes with Hurricane Season Boyfriends -- 2008 and 2010 were duds -- producing no worthy candidates.

But ladies, this year is different! I am so thrilled with this year's Hurricane Season Boyfriend because he fills in a categories we've never covered in this pantheon of tropical demigods! We've already had musical, culinary and spiritual boyfriends, but this fearless man packs a triple punch: he's an explorer, a sportsman and an adventurer who has survived malaria and a plane crash. He doesn't drink Dos XX but he is quite possibly really truly the most interesting man in the world.

THE ENVELOPE PLEASE ...

Move over metrosexuals. We don't want any pussies for Hurricane Season Boyfriend. Any man who can catch a Goliath Tiger fish in the Congo and not fuss about a manicure is a friend of mine!

This year's Hurricane Season Boyfriend is none other than extreme angler Jeremy Wade of Animal Planet's River Monsters!

Come on, what's not to love? If we could only get him to stop fishing for a while, Jeremy Wade, with his lean, rugged good looks, would make a great Hurricane Season Boyfriend!

This fisherman has lured us in and here's why:

First of all, he could catch dinner. Vicious snakeheads, which they say are good eatin', have invaded Miami's canals and should be eradicated. See? He'd even be doing the environment a favor by putting a dent on this non-native species.

And besides, River Monsters has featured several kinds of fish from around the world that we also find in South Florida: alligator gar, peacock bass, bull shark, sawfish and catfish. OK, so a slimy, grunting catfish aint no dainty sushi, but when you're in survival mode, you can't bitch about fresh fish.

He always carries his angling tools with him, which put to creative use could come in handy. You can tie up a lot of things with fishing leader, although I wouldn't recommend that for the headboard. And because he's British and not from Miami, you know he'll always do repairs on time.

As a writer, he has a creative side, able to regale you with stories about his adventures around the world with that delicious accent. Oh and he could build you a fire to cuddle around for said storytelling. Because yes, a fire when it's 80% humidity outside and 90 degrees farenheit is still much more romantic than a gas Coleman.

A fishing freak, Jeremy Wade likes weird finny creatures and their myths but he's also a scientist who tries to stay objective. This means that if the chupacabra shows up at your house, he'll probably ask him in, get a couple of beers out of the cooler and prep the sucker for an impromptu interview.

Jeremy Wade has gone deep into the heart of the Amazon, the Congo and India's mountain rivers ... how could an ice collecting trip to Hialeah possibly faze him? He once tossed himself in a pool full of ravenous piranhas in Brazil and fed himself to voracious, chomping eels in New Zealand -- driving in Miami without traffic lights would be a walk in the park for Jeremy Wade!

With his mad shore casting skills, Jeremy Wade could hook you that last bottle of Chardonnay at the Publix shelf all the way from the check out, skipping every desperate Pinecrest housewife who has booze on her hurricane supplies list.

Two weeks without electricity? No big deal -- Jeremy Wade has lived in the wilderness far longer! Bugs? Who cares? Jeremy Wade isn't going to run away from an insect like some wuss. Flooding? Jeremy Wade knows how to paddle a canoe over fallen trees. Feeling unsafe after curfew? Jeremy Wade has stayed up countless nights waiting for the big one -- he's got built-in sentry.

Jeremy Wade can fight a fish for hours. Most men don't even last for more than 15 minutes.

But the most important thing, ladies, besides clearly having the cojones and determination to catch humongous, rare and dangerous fish in the most remote places in the world, is the one thing that singles him out from all the rest.

PATIENCE.

Fishing requires a lot of patience. So much patience, in fact, that you'd think it'd be a woman's sport.

But even a woman loses patience at times. So when you're whining about how you haven't had a hot shower in two weeks and you're sick of moldy peanut butter sandwiches, Jeremy will be patient.

Who doesn't love that in a man?

Who wouldn't want to be his girlfriend during hurricane season?

Congratulations Jeremy Wade for finding your way into this most coveted hall of fame.

FISH ON!

____

Old fishing stories by yours truly: Nature Girl, A Sea Change